Discovering Recovering

It really IS all about me!!

2010-01-16T10:13:00.002-05:00

I lost my footing in my quest for balance this week. I'd been to a family session at the hospital, where my partner expressed her anxiety about feeling like she couldn't control her behavior and then I'd put her out. I'd asked about being supportive without being enabling, and the therapist threw it back to my partner. The therapist said something about it never being helpful to be punitive, and I found myself running to MY therapist to ask her to desensitize me so that I could live with cutting.

Luckily, I realized how crazy I was being before I even got to my therapist. Here's the insight I want to try to hang on to. If I decide that I want to get desensitized so that I can feel better, that's fine. If I want to get desensitized so that I can make it more comfortable for my partner to continue to engage in unacceptable behavior, that's NOT fine!! It truly is ALL about ME!!

Hope

2010-01-12T05:18:00.003-05:00

My love,

I'm REALLY encouraged to see you starting to USE tools and suggestions. Thank you soooo much for sharing your stepwork with me and for letting me know about the suggestions you're hearing that make sense to you, like the hurricane box and wall sits. I know how hard this has been for you. It's been really scary for me to sit on the sidelines while you've been so stuck. I don't want to lose you to any manifestation of the disease of addiction, and you were right, we got waaay to close to losing each other this time. I really do wish I could do the work for you, but I know that my attempts to do so keep both of us sick. It reminds me of the poem I wrote for a kid who's dear to my heart years ago. I'm modifying the last line, for you:

I wish that you had never felt the trauma.
I wish you'd never have to feel the pain.
If I could, you know I'd feel your feelings for you.
Protect you from reliving it again.

I wish that I could take away the hurting.
Or lead you to the rainbow without rain.
I'd hide the memories from you just to help you.
But we both know that it would be in vain.

But I know that you're stronger now, and ready
To face the feelings till the hurt does end.
And I'll be there beside you when you need me
Not only as your lover, but your friend.

Pound Puppy

2010-01-08T22:51:00.004-05:00

So, my partner is now on involuntary psychiatric hospitalization number 2, along with 2 partial hospitalizations- 1 "successfully" completed and one not, all since mid November. When I can separate myself and my feelings from all this, it's interesting to see her fight with herself. She wants help and she doesn't. She wants somebody to take care of her and she resents being controlled. She wants someone to keep her safe, and she wants to push limits of the people whom she's asked to do so. When I can look at the behavior from a place of healthy detachment, some of her behavior is really funny. She actually told the nurse last night not to put a needle in her hand because that would hurt and not to put a bandage on her arm after they took blood there because it would leave a bruise. That might make sense if it weren't for the fact that she was there because she couldn't contract to keep herself safe from significantly more pain and resulting in significantly more physical evidence.

That's what's going on with her.

As for me, I'm pretty pleased with my committment to myself to maintain my balance. I left her at the emergency room and went to my naranon meeting. Before I went back to the ER, I treated myself to a nice dinner and coffee. I'm enjoying having space. I'm doing my work without too many intrusive thoughts.

I'm stressing about the financial ramifications of her going from facility to facility NOT feeling her feelings, engaging in the behavior that put her there WHILE she's there. The bills are racking up and she appears to be unwilling or unable to do anything to bring in any money to pay them. My naranon friends tell me that that's NOT mine. I dunno what to do with that. It is getting clearer to me that I can't live with this particular manifestation of active addiction in my house. I don't know what that's gonna mean for the future. She's been pretty successful so far at treatment hopping without actually having to work on the issues that brought her to any of them. Guess that's not mine either. I'm frustrated and angry that my need to keep myself safe is being interpreted in her story as my not being supportive. My sponsor tells me that what other people think of me is none of my business, but it's painful when I'm trying so hard to figure out a way that I can manage my own feelings around her behaviors without putting her completely out of my life, and her interpretation of that is that she gets no support at home.

I have absolutely no power over whether she chooses to actually use the help that she seems to be pursuing or over how she interprets MY actions. What I can do is use my uncomfortable feelings to help identify what I need to do to take better care of myself. I don't have answers yet, but at least the questions are getting a bit clearer.

This morning, I woke up with the first phrase of IF, by Rudyard Kipling, running through my head. "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you..." For the most part, I'm managing. Guess I'm becoming a man, my son. Who'da thunk???

"Take that behavior somewhere else!!"

2010-01-06T00:12:00.002-05:00

That's a big new thing for me. I actually told my partner that if she has to engage in self mutilation, she needs to go do that somewhere else. Ok, so I only asked for 2 days, but it's a start. And I'm realizing that finally, I'm really enjoying the peace of not having her in the midst of her latest addiction in MY midst. I'm not even torturing myself over where she is and whether she's safe. I'm not being quite so successful at keeping my head where my feet are, but I'm certainly maintaining my balance a lot more easily when her scars are not in my face.

I probably need to look at why the behavior is so triggering for me. But, just for today, I'm feeling good about taking care of myself, the only way I could- by giving me the gift of space.

My Word for 2010

2010-01-01T11:22:00.003-05:00

I do love this tradition I stole from MPJ 2 years ago of choosing a word as a theme for the year. My first word was self care. I was pretty new (again) in recovery, and I worked on self care with a vengeance.

Last year, my word was recovery. I had just started a second on-line step group for compulsive overeating, and we'd planned to do a step a month, so I was scheduled to have completed it last month.

Well, things didn't go exactly as planned. The online step group had some false starts and stalls and didn't quite make it to step 4. But, I got myself an OA sponsor, and started working the steps in a new way. I'm still on 4, but I'm still working it. So, here I am, doing what I said I was gonna do, albeit perfectly imperfectly.

I'm loving that concept- perfectly imperfectly. It's leading me to my new word, BALANCE. The last couple of months of 2009 were pretty rocky for me. My sister gave me a rock she'd gotten for herself, with the word, "balance," on it, and I've been clinging to that rock and trying to hang on to my balance. It seems to be getting a little easier, but I do think it's a good focus for 2010. So, that's my goal for the year. Balance. I'll let ya know how it goes.

What I know, what I want

2009-12-16T04:26:00.005-05:00

My Dearest Love,

I love you to the depths of my being. I see you hurting, and I hurt too. Sometimes, we get stuck in this pattern, where you want to avoid the hurt, and I want to absorb your hurt for you. I know that's not healthy for either of us. I'm trying to get to a healthier place, and I know that you want that too.

I know that you've been through terrible experiences that nobody should have ever had to experience. I know that you're doing the best you can right now, and that it's not your intention to hurt me. My head knows that when you engage in self injurious behavior, it's not about me. I know that that doesn't mean that you don't love me, but that you can't see past your pain.

I know that I will love you forever. I want to be with you forever. I know that when I struggle with your acting out behavior, it's not that I don't love you enough, but that I love you too much. Sometimes, you know that too.

I know that I have tools to take good care of myself. I know that if I'm using these tools to the best of my ability, I can be ok, whether or not you are. I know that right now, I don't seem to be using my tools to the best of my ability.

I know that you have the right to be exactly where you are, even if where you are hurts me. I know that as much as I want to protect you from yourself, I really can't. I know that in the end, the only person I can truly protect is me.

I know that I came into this relationship with my own buttons, and one of my biggest buttons is being around someone engaging in self-harm. I know that you did NOT install that particular button.

I know that I want intimacy with you so desperately, that I am often willing to put myself in harms way in order to try to maintain a connection with you. I know that desperation is never a good place for me to be.

I know that we have family therapy scheduled for a week from now.

I want to try an experiment. For the next week until our family therapy appointment, if you choose to engage in ANY behavior that is harmful to you, I want you to find someone else to share it with. I want to hear your successes, if you're willing to share them with me. I'm willing to hear your struggles, as long as we can both remember that my job is not to fix it for you, but to love you while you work through it yourself. If you find that you need somebody other than yourself to keep you safe, I want you to find someone else or somewhere else to get that need met.

More than anything, I want to get to the other side of this together, and to be with you forever. I know that I will love you forever, no matter what.

My OWN Eternal Internal War

2009-11-29T09:00:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, a recovery friend told me that the one thing that she knows about me is that I'm always clear about not being able to protect my partner from herself. My friend frequently reminds me about how I told my partner on the day she revealed her addiction to me that I can't be responsible for holding her pills for her. Part of that is true. I did use those words. But I had to fight with myself and lose over and over and over again until I convinced myself that it was true. It's not quite as often today, but sometimes, I still need to fight me over that one.

Today, I'm remembering that on the very first day that I had a real conversation with my partner, I started that same pattern. I told her that day that I can't be her therapist and her friend. I then proceeded to spend the next decade trying to fix her so that I could feel safe and secure in our relationship.

Now, I've got another battle to face on the same front. My partner is engaging in significant self injurious behavior. And again, I used the right words. I told her that I can't be the one to keep her safe. My head knows that the words are true. Hell, she's continuing to show me. Right now she's with people whose job really IS to keep her safe, and twice, now, she's managed to engage in that same unsafe behavior.

The problem is that while I always use the right words regarding who owns her behavior, MY behavior doesn't match. I continue and continue and continue to try to say just the right thing or do just the right thing so that her behavior will change and I can feel safe.

It's funny. It's sooo easy to see the internal wars that the people in my life are fighting. It's not so easy to see my own, even though I continue to fight it again and again and again. I am powerless over others. When I try to change their behaviors so that I can feel safe, MY life becomes unmanageable. It's basic, step 1 shit. Guess I better go ask God to help me with that.

All my big scaries

2009-11-25T22:34:00.002-05:00

In the last couple of weeks, I've had to confront all of my big scaries. I started to name them, but to protect anonymity, I won't be too specific. You can insert your own big scary here. Mostly it's involved someone I love trying desperately not to deal with feelings and using maladaptive coping mechanisms to do so. Because of that, I had to deal with my biggest scary of all scaries- abandonment, and in two permutations. And you know what? I'm ok. I have an amazing support system, people who will call out of the blue when I'm not ok, people who will listen for hours and hours, and people who on a moments notice will say "of course you can show up for the holiday." And I'm getting the opportunity to remember something. I will NEVER abandon me. My higher power will never abandon me. I can use my adaptive coping skills, whether or not the people in my life choose to. On this Thanksgiving eve, I have things to be truly grateful for. Thanks, God!!

OK, God.

2009-10-17T09:03:00.003-04:00

OK, God,

Apparently you really want me to speak at a 12 step recovery program. The last time I was asked, my character defects got in the way. I said that I had already committed to another recovery program. What I didn't say was that I hadn't committed to actually do any service at that program, just to attend.

So, I got asked again. I'm supposed to speak about the principles behind the first three steps: honesty, hope, and faith.

Well, to be honest, God, my character defects of low self esteem and perfectionism almost got in the way again. But this time, I had hope that I could actually do this. And as I'm continuing on my 12 step journey, that hope has blossomed into faith. Today, I have faith that if I follow your will and do this thing rather than my will and avoid it, you'll help me choose my words so that I might be an instrument of attraction.

So, Help me, God. Remind me that it's ok to do this thing perfectly imperfectly. Help me to turn fear to faith. Help the words that we choose together to reach somebody who hasn't yet found the courage to start on this journey to start taking that first step. Help me to share at least some of the wonderful gifts that you've given me as I've journeyed through these steps again and again and again.

Thanks, God!

Heard from my therapist

2009-09-16T21:47:00.004-04:00

"Try not to take it personally. Remember that she isn't doing this on purpose. Ideally, it should be the two of you against the problem, not her and the problem against you." I did hear these words from my therapist today. But it wasn't my individual or couples therapist talking to me. It was my physical therapist talking to my partner! I have adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder) and he was teaching my partner how to help me with my therapy.

He also had words of wisdom for me. Let Go. Don't try to force change. Let me take control, don't try to be in control of the movement. Trust me."

Frozen Shoulder. Thanks, God!

Let Go, Let God

2009-08-18T00:18:00.005-04:00

I apparently have some God lessons to learn yet again about trusting the process, letting go, keeping my head where my feet are, and all that fun stuff. God keeps telling me to let go. When I don't, I get gentle, and then not so gentle reminders. There's some major ambiguity in my work situation. I think things are going to turn out the way I want them to. I KNOW (even if my body doesn't) that I'll be ok no matter what and that things will work out the way they're supposed to. I've done the footwork I can do. I'm having a really hard time turning off my brain and going to bed. Guess God and I need to have another conversation. Gnite.

Money Money Money Money!

2009-08-02T11:04:00.004-04:00

I've been struggling with how to set boundaries around finances for years. My partner is always wanting something, and I'm always feeling like I have to guard the gates. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me and I have huge anxiety around having what I need in my old age. My tendency is to NOT buy a soda because I'd rather save the money. My partner, meanwhile, would buy starbucks 3 times a day, so my denying myself is not helping me reach a place of financial security. She's constantly wanting something and I'm constantly in the parent role. It's not healthy for either of us.

I was provided with a substantially higher level of education than she was, so I have the ability to make a substantially higher income. She's not very intrinsically motivated to make money, and why should she be. There's been no response cost if she chooses to take a day off of work without pay because she's used up all her time, or if she doesn't seek employment at all, other than my nagging. Again, not healthy for either of us.

I've really struggled with the ideaa of separating finances. First of all, it's scary to see it as a way of moving towards separation, which is NOT what I want. Secondly, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do it fairly.

All of a sudden,last week, a solution came to me. I would LOVE feedback before we implement it. We can leave our savings exactly as they are, as ours. Since neither of us is looking to break up, there's no reason to mess with that. We can also keep our joint checking account for bills and shared expenses. From here on out, my idea is that we each contribute to the joint accounts proportionally, based on our income of the time. We also each open individual accounts, also with proportional income. I can save to my heart's content with that account, or plan big trips, which is what I'd love to do. She can do Starbucks every day or buy herself a pony or fulfill whatever whim she has at any moment, IF she has the money to pay for it. I can stop being the parent and deciding what she can and cannot buy. She can make her own choices about working and spending without having to get approval from me.

I'm really loving this plan. I think it's generous, since I'm paying about 3/4 of expenses, but reasonable. She's not too excited. She keeps saying that she's going to be so poor.

I'd love to hear experience, strength and hope on finances. Any practical suggestions about how to make the plan work would be most appreciated.

Emergency

2009-07-27T09:40:00.002-04:00

It's weird how calm I am in a real emergency when I can be so crazy emotional over small stuff. I was involved in a real emergency last night, designated so by the police. I made the calls I needed to make, got the person who needed to get to a safe place to said safe place, shared information that needed sharing, and calmly went home without that person at 2am. Meanwhile, it was just a couple of days ago that I was batshit insane because a piece of paper had yet to be put in the mail. Now granted, there are serious financial consequences to that piece of paper not being mailed. It's still not mailed, and I'm still relatively batshit. But, in a real crisis, when I need to be calm, I've still got it.

Fired! Redux

2009-06-18T09:34:00.004-04:00

Interesting times. This spring I was terminated and then unfired. I'd just gotten my legs back under me again. We even bought an expensive new (to us) vehicle on Tuesday. Then yesterday, my partner was fired. Not laid off. Actually fired.

It seems that while she had a part, it really was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to her termination. Even her boss appeared to be sorry that she had no other option. My partner has grown a lot in this position and seems to have learned what she needed to learn there. It really was time for her to move on, and now that will have to happen. I'm really proud of how she handled herself yesterday. And I'm proud of how we handled it together. I called a program friend before talking to my partner, and she gave me my talking orders- I could only say things that were "loving, necessary, and true." I think I did that. And I'm amazed at how we got through what could have been an even tougher day together.

I'm also really scared. It's not the best time to try to be searching for employment, especially with a recent firing. And there's the matter of the expensive new-ish car we just bought. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me. But, I guess God has some new lessons in store for both of us.

Let's talk about sex, baby!

2009-06-06T04:42:00.003-04:00

Physical intimacy is a struggle in our relationship. Well, no, that's not exactly right. We can be awesome cuddlers. And my partner would be willing to provide me with sexual pleasure any time and then jump up and go off and mow the lawn or clean the house or do her nails in another room or whatever. But mutual sexual intimacy is a struggle in our relationship.

It makes sense. She's got all kinds of baggage that makes it really hard for her. It doesn't make it easy.

Last week, we tried addressing it in couple's therapy. She came up with a plan- date night, which was to be Friday night. She's expressed excitement about it for days. We got started and then she told me she had a headache. She sobbed about disappointing me, and let me in on some of the baggage that gets in the way. She said that the longer it is between times, the harder it gets. Again, that makes sense, but doesn't make it easy.

Here's what's going on for me. I'm learning to shut myself off again physically. Before my partner came along, I thought I was asexual. What sucks is that I've discovered that I really am a sexual being. I learned that from my partner. There was a time in our relationshp where we had a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I really don't understand what's changed. It's hard not to take it personally. My head knows it's not about me. My body has hard time catching up.

And speaking of my body having a hard time catching up, it's had quite the roller coaster ride Friday evening. I HAVE learned to shut down. So Friday, I'm busy telling me that it's ok to let myself get excited. Tonight's gonna be the night. Well, maybe. Follow through is not always my addict's best subject. No, R, stay in the moment. She's been talking about it for days, and she's been touching me earlier with hints of what's to come. She asked me to draw her a bath. It's ok. I can relax and go with it. We get started and I think it's really a go. But then. BAM! Not tonight dear, I've got a headache.

The good news is that I was really able to process my feelings about it with her last night. I was able not to blame her or shame her but to let her in about how it affects me. And she was able to comfort me. We're working through it. We're not there yet, but communicating about it is a huge step forward.

New Meds, New Behaviors for Both of Us

2009-05-24T15:58:00.003-04:00

My partner has a new psychiatrist and was prescribed new meds this week. Her behavior has been really triggering me, and today, I asked for an intentional dialogue to discuss it.

I told her that I wasn't accusing her of anything, but wanted to point out some behaviors that looked a lot like relapse to me. I said that it could well be my own codie sensors misfiring or there could be another reason, possibly the new meds that were prescribed.

Then I described the behaviors. She's been even more distractible than usual lately. Her internal censor is off and she seems less inhibited than usual. For example, she shared some really explicit information in front of a 14 year old. She seems to have been keeping secrets. She told me that she's emailed and texted her sponsor to ask a question and her sponsor hasn't responded. In my imagining, she was asking her sponsor if she "had to" tell me about a recent slip, since that's often how she's phrased it in the past. She's had some substantial itching that doesn't have a known cause to the point where she needed a colleage to go out and buy her benedryl and took 2 to get through the workday. I told her that the biggest signal for me is the way I've been reacting to her. I've been all antsy around her like I tend to get when something's up and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Here's what was different on my part. I was loving and very specific about NOT accusing her of using. I owned my own shit, particularly my reactions and acknowledged that it might well be in my head or be something other than using.

Here's what was different on her part. She listened. She owned every example I gave and even gave more examples. She acknowledged my examples of lack of censoring herself and gave another example I didn't know about. She said that she'd also noticed how distractible she's been lately and how childlike she's appearing to herself. In addition to what I'd shared, she acknowledged that she's had a lot more energy lately (which is how she gets when she's using) and that she has been staying up extremely late. She asked me to write down the symptoms I saw so that she could share them with the psychiatrist and asked when I could go with her to see the psychiatrist. She said that she'd been waiting for me to mention it and that it was validating to her, because she wasn't sure if she was reading into herself the symptoms she was seeing in herself. She acknowledged that she liked some of the effects of the medication, but that they also scared her. I left the conversation feeling relieved and much closer to her, which is unusual when I broach such a hard subject. Shew!

UNfired!

2009-04-24T23:58:00.001-04:00

I got unfired today. Shew. I still have some choices to make, and whatever happens is going to involve some major changes, but my biggest crazy is behind me.

Crazy

2009-04-19T21:45:00.004-04:00

I'm doing that thing where I don't post and there gets to be more and more to post so I get overwhelmed and post nothing.

Work is crazy. Home is crazy. (Yep, I'm home. I left her and she didn't notice.) Mostly, I'm CRAZY!!

God's apparently trying to teach me something, and I'm not learning the lesson yet.

could one pill do us in???

2009-04-12T11:19:00.003-04:00

Since my partner's relapse, I've been in regular communication with my friends in recovery, my sponsor, and even her sponsor. Her sponsor has been awesome. She's providing validation and empathy for me, but maintaining boundaries between her relationship with me and her relationship with my partner.

Here's the first of her responses to me:

"I feel your pain and anger about your partner's relapse. I have been in your shoes many, many times with my first husband. Remember the relapse isn't about what you did or didn't do or where you were or were not. It was not a personal afront to you, it was about the disease of addicton. It's about your dumb ass partner not doing what she was told, disregarding the tools she has today and her disease of addiction. I too, tolerate only so many relapses before I let a sponsee go. At some point you need to decide for yourself when enough is enough and I mentioned to your partner that you may ask her to leave the house as a result of her actions. Just know that on my end we had a very straightforward conversation and will be having another soon.

I just wanted to clarify this statement:

She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it.

I suggested that she keep her own meds in her own lock box separate from yours and the left overs from other people who have been in your house. Not that you lock away her meds from her. You're right. You are not powerful enough to prevent a relapse. But I also feel, as a newcomer, she doesn't need to have her nose in other peoples stuff. She needs to have meds for her own mental health otherwise I'd tell her to flush everything.

Another option is to tell her she has to go through a treatment program in order to stay in the house. I don't know you're history of this or if she's ever been but ____ had some good outpatient programs and ____ hospital also has a detox wing. Again, I don't know the history here but it's an option. She may have already burned her bridges with you and so be it.

Wherever you are I'm glad are not alone and that YOU have the tools of recovery and use them!! :) Please know I am here for you as a friend and supporter. My relationship with your partner is a different entity and I'm old enough to know the difference."

After a few more emails back and forth between me and my sponsor and between me and hers, I sent this to my partner AND her sponsor.

"A, I tried calling a couple of times today, but you didn't pick up. I would love it if you would make some kind of attempt to initiate contact with me. I'm working through my feelings with other people, but I'd really like to try to work through them with YOU!! Meanwhile, here's part of my conversation with my sponsor today.

Here's what she asked/ said:

"What about this whole scenario bothers you the most? What is it about her actions that make you feel as though it's being done TO you? THe conversation with her sponsor which involves a change in behavior on your part? If that's it, you don't have to accept. We have choices!!

Be kind to yourself and take your time getting home. Hang in there!"

And my response:

"There was alot that bothered me. The whole convolutedness of the conversation. She started by telling me that she didn't go to a neighborhood social event as planned because she had a migraine. Then, later, she added in that she went to a meeting instead because her sponsor said she had to. Then, there was the relapse stuff about looking for, finding, and taking a "loose pill" because her hip hurt. Then, the stuff about her sponsor's conversation about me locking up the meds that aren't hers. That made no sense until much later when it came out that what she took was a sleeping pill of mine. She kept talking about it being loose in the box and that she wouldn't have taken it if it were in the bottle. I guess that was a big part of what triggered me. I'm not buying that bullshit; it just pissed me off. It bothers me that there's yet another boogeyman to be concerned about now that my sleep meds are fodder for her addiction. Oh, then there was the part where she asked her sponsor if she "had to" tell me. Oh, and we had another segment of the continuing saga of the missed work. She took yet another day off this week. When I asked her what she planned to do about the missing day, she said that she had another paid day. This keeps happening. She says she has no more paid time off, but then magically finds more and more days when she takes more and more time off. I've told her that I'm no longer willing to pay for days off. So her solution appears to be that she keeps finding more and more days. Feels like addict math to me!!!! And yeah, there was also the part where I'm supposed to lock up something else that I didn't know was a problem after the fact. So, which part bothered me the most? I don't know. I'll have to think on that one."

Again, I'm copying this to both you AND your sponsor so that you both know where I'm coming from. I've told your sponsor and I'll tell you that my intention for including your sponsor in these particular emails is that it's sometimes hard for you to hear me when we're in a hard place. If it gets too complicated for your sponsor, I've told her that you have dibs on her. I love you. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And I still love you. I really hope you choose to initiate some kind of contact. I'm done reaching out for now until I hear from you."

I've yet to hear ANYTHING from my partner. Guess I've got some praying to do about what comes next.

travel=relapse

2009-04-11T00:35:00.004-04:00

In my naranon circles, people often share that when they travel, their addicts typically relapse. Apparently, I'm not immune to this trend.

I talked to my partner last night, who shared, among other things, that she got into our medicine lockbox and found a loose pill and took it. She said that she told her sponsor right away and picked up a white chip. I started out with the politically correct feelings of gratitude that she caught it early and that she's doing the things she needs to do to take care of herself. But later in the conversation, which got more and more convoluted, she shared that what she'd taken was something that was prescribed for me for sleep. She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it. I feel not good enough. I just don't have it in me to play one more round of that particular game today.

Meanwhile, I'm having all kinds of complicated feelings about her taking this particular pill. I know that she wasn't purposely doing this TO me, but I find myself feeling ambushed. It's yet another area of my life where it didn't occur to me not to feel safe. One of my dearest friends in naranon uses the analogy of "please don't shit in the sink." Somehow, I'm supposed to know every condition under which my addict might use and set boundaries (oh yeah, and play the invade the boundary game) around it.

I'm also playing the "it's not bad enough for me to be having these feelings" game. It WAS one pill. She DID tell her sponsor immediately. The other people in my naranon circle deal with much bigger relapses. But my truth is, it's big for ME. She took what was mine, and gave me one more trigger to have to work through. I'm GodDamned tired of working through triggers where her actions, whether intentionally or not, HURT ME!! And I just don't have the energy to invest in this bullshit right now. I've got bigger things on my plate.

Which brings me to the "I don't want to go home" game. My original plan was to leave this morning, but I just didn't want to. I guess the good news is that I have a bit of time. I can take the weekend, talk to my sponsor, figure out a plan that works for me. Hell, I can even hit a few naranon meetings in this town I find myself in today. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I DO go home, that promise will be true for me- We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. Please, God!

More God Grad School

2009-03-28T02:00:00.002-04:00

I really thought that I was in a field that was somewhat protected from the financial madness of the times. Surprise! I got the word today that my job is terminated, effective in June. I have the opportunity to reaapply for one of an undisclosed but significantly reduced number of positions. I can also apply for one of a number of new positions for substantially reduced pay. Many of us in this same boat get the added bonus of being expected to go back to school (on our own dimes) to get additional training for this position on our newly cut salaries. Luckily or unluckily, as the case might be, I already meet the requirements for both my current position and the lesser paid one. It's a lot to absorb.

Meanwhile, I've got some ethical challenges in the weeks ahead. I've been put in a positon of having more to do than is feasible in the time I have left, and that was before the added stress of job seeking. I've been hanging on, by a thread, as more and more has been added to my plate. I've been being quiet, because we've been clearly told that job performance, as rated by our supervisors, will be the main factor looked at as cuts are made. This week, I was given one more task, one that I believe to be unethical. The person that I would typically turn to for direction was given even worse news than mine this week.

I think I'll try my favorite 12 step exercize.

Step 1. I am powerless over the financial state of this country and the effect it is having on me. I am powerless over direct supervisors and their direct orders. I am powerless over the number of hours in a day and the number of days left of employment. The first situation shows financial unmanageability. I am the primary breadwinner of our family. And, as a gay person, I can't even get health insurance once Cobra runs out. I've been trying to set boundaries in the second situation, but they've been continually trounced. My life is becoming more and more unmanageable as the clock ticks. I was given a direct order to do something that I believe to be wrong, which feels unmanageable.

Step 2. My higher power can help me sort out what I can and cannot change and take the steps I need to take while letting go of what I can't change.

Step 3. God, I give you my anxiety over the job situation. Help me to know the right things to do and help me to let go of the rest.

Step 4. Character defects that have surfaced include fear of economic insecurity, unwillingness up until now to ask for help because of fear

Step 5. God, me, and the internet, my fears have been getting in the way of my making good decisions.

Step 6. I am willing for God to remove my fears.

Step 7. God, please help me to let go of my fear and trust that I can do what I need to do and that I will be ok.

Step 8. Up till now, I've harmed me. If I do what I've been told to do, I will harm a child.

Step 9. I will amend my behavior by letting go of my fears, by asking for help, by doing what I can do, and by letting go of the rest.

Step 10. I don't think I've left anything out.

Step 11. I think that God wants me to go to the person, who like me, still has a job today, rather than making a choice that I believe to be unethical. I think that God wants me to take care of myself by confiding in this person what my current work situation is. Depending on the outcome of that discussion, I'll need to check in with God again for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. As for the future job situation, I think God wants me to do what footwork I can and trust the process.

Step 12. I do feel a spiritual awakening. I'm much calmer than when I started this exercize, and clearer about what I can do. Hopefully, I can get some sleep now.

Rickety Bridge

2009-03-23T07:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, my partner and I were having a conversation about a difficulty subject for both of us. She was talking about why she often pushes me away when I pursue intimacy. She said that because of her early experiences, it's like there's a rickety bridge that she has to cross over to get to her adult self. If she can make it over the bridge, then it's a wonderful experience. But, the bridge is really shaky, and often, she falls off. Meanwhile, I have my own rickety bridge that tells me that I'm not good enough and not desirable when she pushes me away. Sometimes, I can use the tools of the program and remember that it really isn't about me. But sometimes, I fall off. It makes sense that we activate each other. But the good news is that each of us is working on our own stuff and hopefully we're each fortifying our own bridges. And that today, we can talk about it.

5 words

2009-03-22T10:04:00.004-04:00

I asked Jay for 5 words to describe me.

The deal is she gives me five words that she associates with me, I write about each one and offer to provide five words for any readers who would like to do their own. If you're interested, let me know in comments.

Jay's words for me were attachment, commitment, clarity, healing, contemplation. I just wrote about clarity. Here's the rest of my homework.

Attachment:
I don't really blog about this because I have to be careful about confidentiality even with the anonymity I've tried to maintain here, but I'm a foster parent. A few of the kids I've fostered over the years have been diagnosed with or show characteristics of Reactive Attachment Disorder, which develops when a child doesn't form a healthy attachment with a primary caregiver. I talked a bit about RAD when I discovered my own spiritual fanny pack. It's interesting that these particular kids keep finding their way into my life as I'm slowly learning to develop more healthy attachments of my own. So much of my learning has come from the kids themselves, as well as an amazing group of RAD moms. I connected with this group of women online almost 15 years ago and I'll be flying across the country in a couple of weeks to visit them.

Commitment- One of the characteristics of codependency is a tendency to be too loyal, remaining in situations that are harmful. For me, this characteristic can be one of my biggest character defects or my biggest assets. I can make a difference by committing to a child who has never experienced that before. I've worked through the rough patches in my relationship by my strong commitment. But, sometimes, I've hurt myself when the commitment I make is not necessarily reciprocated. I'm learning today that I need to commit to myself as deeply as I commit to others. And sometimes, when the person I commit to is unwilling or unable to make the same commitment to me, the best thing I can do is to detach with love and take care of me.

Healing: I'm finding healing through my journey through the 12 steps. I'm developing a newfound relationship with a power greater than myself and even a newfound relationship with me. I'm learning better ways of relating to my partner that have turned out to be healthier for both of us. I'm learning to change my focus and change my life.

Contemplation: One of the greatest gifts for me of recovery has been blogging. When it's just me and the page (or more likely the screen,) I can engage in whatever circular thinking I need to use to get where I'm meant to go. I can let myself be so easily distracted by other people's thoughts and feelings. But, left to my own devices, I've really surprised myself along the way with my own insights.

So that's it. Another homework assignment out of the way. Comment here if you want your own set of 5 words.

Baby Steps vs. Do Nothing

2009-03-20T07:13:00.004-04:00

One of the things we talked about in our naranon meeting last night was baby steps. Many of us shared the feeling of getting overwhelmed and becoming immobilized. A few members shared about taking one small action and letting momentum carry us forward.

I'm in a pretty overwhelmed place right now. I have more to do than I think is possible to accomplish at work. I've taken on a new sponsor, who's given me step 1 homework. My online step group is on step 3, which we're committed to finish by the end of the month, and I've only completed one question. I asked for and was given words to write about by Jay. I was asked to take on a major leadership role in a local nonprofit organization. And that's just part of my overwhelm.

This morning, I started thinking about the slogan "Do Nothing." It's carried me through some hard times when I wanted to react out to my addict. But today, I'm realizing, that I need to look at the slogans "Do Nothing" and "Baby Steps" and apply them in conjunction with the serenity prayer. When what I'm stressing about is not mine, the best thing to do is "Do Nothing." But, when what I'm stressing about is mine alone, my best strategy is to take a baby step. I need to take one day, one task, or one minute at a time, but put my energy into what I CAN do rather than stressing over the possibility that I can't. In both situations, I need to work on trust.

So, I'm off to work to get something accomplished on my "to-do list." And meanwhile, I just realized that I've just taken a baby step on my homework from Jay. I just had a moment of clarity!

Thanks for listening.

Retreat- Acting In and Reacting Out

2009-03-16T21:59:00.003-04:00

I spent the weekend with a group of women addicts in recovery at an informal gathering. It was an interesting experience. I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to become a part of this group of women. Most of the weekend was wonderful. We had a candlelight meeting that was just awesome. Some of the time was challenging. Mostly, it was interesting to watch myself and watch the addicts as we interacted with each other. At dinner on Saturday night, one of the women, whom I'll call M, was having a hard time, and she acted in (I just coined that phrase. It's MINE!!) She retreated into herself. I found myself really wanting to draw her out- to react out to her acting in. I didn't. It was interesting to watch my own tension as I chose to stay out of her stuff.

Later, we all played a game, where we were on teams trying to solve mindbenders. My partner and M were on the same team. My partner missed a question, and there was what we thought was friendly teasing, mostly by M, but we really all took part. My partner got triggered, and left the room, with "fuck you" as a parting shot to to M.

M's sponsor jumped on M and M got angry. Meanwhile, my partner went into acting in mode. (Boy, retreat is a good name for this experience.) I was able to support my partner, because it wasn't about me, and because it WASN'T about me, my partner was able to hear feedback from me. After quite a bit of drama and a night's sleep, they were able to work through it. I was really proud of my partner, who was able to go to M to try to resolve things, TWICE! It was a big growth experience for her. It was a good experience for me to mostly be in observer mode. I was able to see how my typical experience of reacting out to my partner's acting in makes things worse. When my behavior was removed from the equation, my partner was able to successfully negotiate the relationship. She was able to own her part, while having compassion for M. My partner was able to see how much she and M were alike, so in some ways, she was able to show compassion to herself. All in all, it was a really good experience.

And it was really great to get to know my partner's support network. They're really good folks. They're good for her. And her ability to work through relationships is really good for us.

In a couple of weeks, I'm looking forward to my own retreat with my own support network. I'll be flying across country to spend a weekend with a group of women I got to know online about 13 years ago. I can't wait!!

God Lessons in Letting Go

2009-03-04T06:44:00.003-05:00

Apparently, God really wants me to learn to let go.

Even after writing that my partner has been choosing NOT to do what she said she was gonna do every time when it comes to doctors, I didn't understand that she really was making that choice, EVERY TIME. Here I am again, surprised. The person that I love is an addict. Addicts lie. Addicts are not dependable. I want to be with my addict AND I want her to be dependable. I want HER to change, so that I can be OK. My way is clearly not working, yet again.

Since I apparently haven't been getting the message, God decided to be a bit more clear. So, when I got to work yesterday, I found out that my hard drive has crashed. I've lost much of what I I believe I need to get my job done.

There's not a damned thing I can do about either situation. I've requested tech support at work, and I've spoken my truth at home. I can't bring back information on my hard drive any more than I can change my addict. Life on life's terms. AFGO!!!!

more doctor confusion

2009-03-02T16:33:00.003-05:00

Here's the game we play at my house over my partner's recurring sinus headaches.

She whines that her head hurts. I suggest calling the doctor. She chooses not to and continues to whine. I try ignoring, since she's not interested in my suggestion. She keeps whining. This part can continue for days.

In the next phase, she agrees to get help, but not the help I think she should get. She's gone to a doc in the box and to our former doctor, but NOT to the doc that we agreed on.

We've gone through two doctors together. The first was her pusher,the doctor who got her hooked on narcotics and patted me on the head when I brought the issue to him. The second accidentally gave her something with a narcotic in it and said that she didn't think there was enough narcotic in it to harm her, which led my partner to a relapse. We agreed (or so I thought) to go to an internist who is also an addict. He is an internist and also specializes in addiction.

But, every time she goes to the doctor, she chooses NOT to go to him or to his practice, which leads to my codiexplosions. The last time, we talked it through. She thought it didn't matter that she went back to the old practice, since our doc wasn't available on Mondays anyway. I said that since this is an ongoing issue, if she goes to our doc's practice, he has access to the records. I thought she got it and that she agreed, but apparently she just heard "blah blah blah" and agreed to shut me up, because, today, it's right back to the same old same old.

I'm trying to figure out why this is so huge for me. I want to figure out what my part is, and I want to let go of what's not mine. This hysteria is so not working for me. She's going to do what she's going to do. I have no control over her choices. What she's doing doesn't seem to be working for her, but what I'm doing doesn't seem to be working for me either. And hell, I guess the truth is that either we're both insane or what we're both doing IS working, cuz we're both still doing it. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will- Power

2009-02-22T13:16:00.004-05:00

I'm working step 2 online with my compulsive overeater group at TJWC. Here are a few of my realizations:

I'm realizing this time around how much I blame my partner for behaviors that I do as well. I get frustrated with her for not speaking her truth to me, but I realize that I'm doing the same thing. I am afraid, and I stuff my feelings rather than owning them and speaking them. I also blame her for the isolating we do as a couple. I want her to go to social things with me, in part because I'm fearful of going alone. I want her to change so that I can feel better, and I know that that's insane.

I'm also seeing more clearly today how I've really been clinging to my compulsive overeating. I've been working the steps, hard, when it comes to codependency. I'm a whole lot better in that area, though obviously not cured. (See above paragraph.) But, I continue to do the same things expecting different results when it comes to compulsive overeating, and that IS insane.

It's interesting how as I work the steps again and again I find different stumbling blocks. Before, I've really struggled with the God steps, because I didn't really believe in a God who would have a personal relationship with me. Today, I have an ever deepening relationship with my higher power and I KNOW that he can and does restore me to sanity when I let him.

But I've been actively keeping my higher power out of this area of my life, because I haven't been ready to let go of MY WILL. I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "La La La" rather than being WILLing to look at God's WILL for my life and asking for the POWER to carry that out. All of a sudden, I'm looking at those critical words from step 11- WILL and POWER. My willpower certainly doesn't work in the area of food. But, if I ask for God's WILL for me and the POWER to carry that out, I know that it will work for me. Today, I feel like I'm moving more towards being ready.

Threesome

2009-02-13T21:04:00.003-05:00

I was talking to a friend who's struggling this week with her husband and the addict that shares body space with him. I described it as being in a threesome. It's funny how easy it is for me to see in somebody else, and how hard it is when it's in my own relationship.

Last night, my partner confided in me that she's been in relapse mode for about a week now, and that she went through my purse to see if there were any leftover narcotics in there from my kidney stone. She said that her sponsor told her that she had to tell me. She said that she didn't agree, but her sponsor told her that she didn't have to agree, she just had to do it.

She really seems honestly confused about why it's a good thing to tell me these things. I told her that I'm really glad that she let me in, because right now, it feels like me and her against her addict where when she keeps things from me, it feels like her and her addict against me.

This morning, I had a new insight, though. It's only MY perception that when she keeps things from me it's her addict and her against me. And honestly, when we're in the midst of it, I don't see the addict, so I think that it's just her who's against me. When her addict is running the show, no matter how much I try to give her both hands, that is tell her the things I appreciate as much as the things that upset me, she can only hear the bad stuff. So, in her mind, it's me (and her addict) against her.

When we're not being intentional with each other, neither of us really see the addict as a player in our psychodrama. So we see each other as the enemy and we turn from or lash out at each other.

I want to try to hold on to the realization that I really am a part of a threesome. I wish I could just kick the addict out of our relationship, but since the addict is a parasite of the person I love, that's just not an option. But, maybe if I get clearer about who's who, it'll be easier for me to have compassion for my partner. I can really see her better. And maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see me with more clarity too.

Asking for what I want

2009-02-03T06:43:00.003-05:00

I have therapy homework. I'm supposed to write about what I want to ask for in my relationship. It came from a daily meditation that I brought to therapy last week (January 27) from The Language of Letting Go on Needing People. I realized that not only am I the person who has unmet dependency needs and drives people away by needing too much, but I've also become the opposite end of the spectrum- someone who's become used to someone not being there for me, so I push her away, and don't allow myself to need.

So, what do I want to ask for?

I'd love to have some kind of routine with intimacy. It doesn't have to be sex, but physical intimacy. Routines seem to work for my partner. She's gotten herself back into a routine for attending meetings, and it's got her in a good place again. She has some routines for expressing her love by taking care of me. She lays my clothes out every night. I wake up in the mornings and feel loved. I'd love to have some kind of routine where we are physically intimate. It'd be fun to make up a ritual together. If we made it into a routine, I'd know when to expect it, and it would make me feel safe.

I'd love for her to figure out a system to help her remember her committments that are not routines. She's supposed to be asking for an intentional dialogue a week. She forgot again. My guess is that she forgot to do her homework this week. I understand that she has a hard time with memory, but when she forgets things regarding our relationship on a regular basis, I end up feeling unimportant. So, I'd love her to develop a system- a calendar, a place to keep reminders, a string around her finger, sticky notes on her forehead. I don't care WHAT the system is, but I'd love her to make that kind of a committment to us.

I'd love it if when she commits to do something "someday," she could give me a timeline. Months ago, she said she'd attend an OA meeting with me. She's forever complaining about her weight and her compulsive eating. But, we got this dynamic going where every week I'd ask her and every week she'd say no. It's part of what prompted me to bring the writing which promted this homework. So, I would love it if she'd say that she'd come by a specific date, and then use whatever system she creates to do what she says she's gonna do.

I'd love more time devoted to recovery TOGETHER. It could be OA. There's a couples recovery group that Margaux told me about that meets not too far away from here. It meets on her homegroup night, so I doubt we could go all the time, but maybe that could be something we check out together. We started a tradition study a long time ago, and then did tradition 1 again a couple weeks ago. We could get ourselves back into a routine with that. I don't really care WHAT form of recovery we do together, but I'd love to do some kind of recovery together, and again, have it be something I can count on.

I guess, bottom line is I want there to be more of an US, and I want to be able to count on her.

Homework done.

Bless the Defenses

2009-01-21T18:43:00.002-05:00

We had therapy yesterday. Because of the weather, we opted to have our session by phone. I ended up downstairs while she was upstairs. I was doubtful as to how we could work effectively being in 3 different places. But, it seemed to work.

We always start with a grounding exercise and then an opportunity to say what we want to work on. I wanted to work on getting through the stuck places. My partner wanted to work on becoming closer.

We got to a stuck place pretty early in. I heard my partner filing her nails, which was really annoying in the middle of a therapy session we were paying for. The therapist suggested that I bless the defenses that she's built to keep herself safe. In a way, it made sense, because it was the defenses that kept her safe and brought her to me. But, those same defenses are used today to keep me out. I've shared before about how lonely it is to be the partner of someone who's busy building fortresses to keep me out. If I blessed her defenses, wasn't I saying that I wanted that behavior to continue? I wish I remembered the therapist's exact wording, but it was something about defenses won't relax until there's complete safety. So, we each did this ritual of blessing and thanking the defenses that kept her safe. It really was miraculous. She was able to open up and start letting me in in new ways.

It reminded me of something I hear from long-timers in 12 step programs. They suggest that to get rid of a resentment, you pray for the person you resent to get everything you want. I guess I have resented the part of her who keeps her from me. And blessing that part seemed to make a real difference, for both of us!

Banished from my own home

2009-01-11T12:15:00.003-05:00

My partner is having a sponsorship family gathering at my house in early February. When she first told me about it, she said "we" were having a breakfast and that I was included. I have felt so isolated from her and she has so often opted out of any opportunity to socialize with me, so I was thrilled for an opportunity to be a part of- especially to be a part of her recovery family. Later, she realized that spouses were NOT included and told me that I would have to leave the house that morning.

As the time is nearing, I'm having trouble with this. For one thing, I guess I do have to acknowledge that I am having feelings about being included and then unincluded. I understand that this wasn't her doing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have feelings about it. It's also bringing up old stuff for me. When she first separated from her husband, she came to stay with me. Part of the separation agreement that THEY made was that I would leave my home for one weekend a month so that the girls could come to stay there with their mother. Now, at that point, it was not our home, it was MY home that she was staying in rent free. And they made this agreement in court that I was not a party to but had to comply with. It sucked in all kinds of ways. And yes, those feelings are getting triggered, so I get that my reaction is bigger than it would be because it's pushing old buttons.

But there's other stuff too. It's interesting, because she's been struggling with feeling like she's being controlled in the situation where our therapist told her she needed to go to 5 meetings a week if she wanted to continue to be in therapy with him. It's funny how she refused to hear the difference between setting a boundary and being controlling. In this situation, I get it. Setting a boundary is if you do or don't do this, I will or won't do this. Controlling is saying you have to or you can't. He set a boundary- if you don't go to meetings, I won't see you in therapy. She, on the other hand, was being controlling- you can't be in the house.

I tried talking to her about it. I asked if it would be ok if I stayed in the bedroom. Her first response was no, because I might hear something. I told her I could keep the door closed and the TV on. She went on and on about how uncomfortable it would be for me, because I'd be stuck in the bedroom for hours. I asked her what other spouses do, and she said they all vacate their houses. She finally acknowledged that that was my choice to make and said that she'd been caretaking by trying to decide what was best for me. I told her that I'd like a vote next time about whether the function is going to be in my home.

At one point, she got pissed and said that I'm a grownup, and I can do anything I want. I can even come sit in the middle of it if I want to. Then she barricaded herself in the bathroom. When she came out, I asked for an intentional dialogue, and she refused. But she wanted me to think about the fact that she didn't do this on purpose. I started to respond to that, and then said that if she wasn't ready to engage in an intentional dialogue, that's fine, but that I wasn't willing to listen to her when she was choosing NOT to listen to me. I said I'd be more than happy to listen to her IN an intentional dialogue. Her response: "Fine!" She told me she'd be ready in a couple hours, which was of course more than a couple of hours ago. I told her to let me know when she's ready.

The problem is getting bigger and bigger. I started out struggling with her trying to control me. Then, it got crazy making when she was doing her mind bending reality altering shit by saying that what she was doing was trying to take care of me because I might be uncomfortable staying cooped up in the room, when her argument started with "no, you might hear something." Then, when she walked out in the middle of the conversation it pushed my abandonment buttons. Next, when she refused to dialogue with me but wanted ME to think about whatever the hell she wanted me to think about, it pissed me off. Now, I'm struggling with her not doing what she said she was going to do, which was to come to me in a couple of hours when she was ready for a dialogue.

My new step group is working on Step 1, and here I am faced with yet another situation over which I'm powerless. I can't make her work through an issue with me start to finish. I can't MAKE her agree to an intentional dialogue and give me the validation and empathy I need. I can't make her honor her commitments and come to me in a couple of hours. What I CAN do is take care of me. So, I've processed with my sponsor, with a friend and my sister in recovery. I went out with one of my recovery friends and ate interesting things. Now, I think I'll call another friend and invite her to a meeting.

My Word- 2009 Edition

2009-01-01T13:44:00.002-05:00

It was interesting looking back to see my word of 2008. I didn't do such a great job of keeping it in my head as a focus, but I think I did do a good job of practicing self-care anyway. This was the year I bought myself my own fucking Hallmark Card. I got much better at using the phone tool. I participated in an Artist's Way book study, which included dating myself through Artist Dates, Morning Pages, and even a Reading Diet. I got better at using affirmations. I got a really cool self-nurturing tool in therapy last week that I haven't posted about yet, but it's turned into a cool way to end one year and start the next.

It's interesting to look back sometimes and see patterns AND growth. When I went back to see my word for 08, I got to look again at how it started for me. My partner and I went through a dance last night around new years that, in looking back, was very similar to last years. She wanted to isolate. I didn't. She was sick. But, instead of pouting, I chose to practice self-care. I went to figure out what I could do with my own self for new years. I decided that I'd take myself to see fireworks. My partner didn't like the idea of me spending the new year without her. The new behavior we both practiced was working through it together and coming up with something we could both live with. We decided to go to our local NA holiday meeting marathon together. Starting the new year with recovery felt like a good thing.

Hmmm. Recovery, maybe that can be my word. It kind of encompasses everything I've thought about and everything that's important to me today. God's already taken. I thought about gratitude, because I find that my life works better when I focus on the stuff I have to be grateful about. When I started this post, my word was gonna be Steps. I just finished step 12 with one online writing workshop this week. We finished with the 12 step exercise, which is always so powerful for me when I remember to use it.

I'm starting a new online Step Study focusing on my compulsive overeating. We're gonna do one step a month, so I'm excited that this one will take me right through this year.

So, I think I will choose Recovery as my word this year. That encompasses God, the Steps, and Gratitude. Happy New Year!

One step forward and...... FIRED!

2008-12-24T08:00:00.003-05:00

My partner and I were conditionally fired from couples therapy last night. Well, actually, SHE was conditionally fired, but since it's pretty difficult to do couple's therapy alone, the effect is the same.

I know she's confused. She has been stepping up lately. She took care of me when I was sick, and she got her step 1 homework completed.

But, she was agonizingly passive aggressive in therapy yesterday throughout the entire session, and the therapist had had enough. He asked how many meetings she's been going to. She had committed to her sponsor to go to 5 a week after the last time she picked up a white chip in the beginning of November. I don't think she has yet to honor that commitment, and she hasn't told her sponsor that she's not doing it. The therapist told her AGAIN that she does her best work in therapy when she's taking good care of herself by going to lots of meetings. He said that he felt like he was in a session with a 6 year old, and he just can't do couples therapy that way. He said that he sees me getting healthier and healthier, and if she doesn't make some changes, he thinks I'll leave her. He said that he won't continue with us unless she goes to 5 meetings a week. She said she'd discuss it with her sponsor. It was hard hearing her not be willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship. It's interesting timing, because she's also been conditionally fired by her individual therapist for a couple of weeks now, because she's been choosing not to submit insurance papers for YEARS!!! She agreed during our 3 hour session with HER therapist not to go back until she'd submitted the paperwork. That was the beginning of December, and she just hasn't gone back.

I'm trying to stay in the moment and take care of me. Last night, our meeting topic was Live and Let Live. After the meeting, I went out with my sponsor and sponsee. I can't make my partner's choices for her. I can only make my OWN choices. Just for today, I'm going to work really hard on keeping the focus on ME!!!

Partner Stepping Up

2008-12-21T09:41:00.005-05:00

My partner seems to be starting her step-work in earnest today. She got herself a new sponsor a few months ago, and then at our therapist's urging, she asked for a deadline. A couple of days ago, she started making comments, INDEPENDENTLY, that she needed to get started, because her deadline was coming up. Today, she pulled out her book, and disappeared.

As most of my experiences in recovery, this is not on my timeline. I, like many of us, used to fantasize about my partner reaching step 9 and making amends to me. I felt I was owed amends. I know today that that expectation meant I wasn't ready.

She'll get there or she won't. She's not doing it in my time or in my way, and today I get that she's not supposed to. I have hope today, because I see her stepping up in new ways,both in recovery and in our relationship. She's doing it on her own and not as a reaction to me. I see how transformative the steps are in the lives of all of the people I see working them, and I want that for her. Ok, I admit, I want it for ME, too. I hope that the changes in her life will transform not only her, but our relationship as well. But today, it's a hope rather than a demand or an expectation. I'm ok with where we are today. I have tools and choices that I can use and make, when I'm not ok with where we are. I think it's not such a coincidence that I'm getting ready to start step 12, and that I really have had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. I wish the same spiritual awakening for her. And, if you're reading and recovery is something you want in your life, I wish the same for you. Peace!

Conversations with God- Kidney Stone Edition

2008-12-18T16:19:00.004-05:00

My stone was blasted to bits on Monday. I'm still peeing the bits out through a strainer. Fun times. I was doctor ordered to bedrest for 24 hours and then work as pain permits till December 31.

So, God and I had a conversation on Tuesday night. I asked for God's will for me and asked for a clear message, because I often get confused. God answered with throbbing pain at 4:30am requiring narcotics. That meant I couldn't drive myself to work on Wednesday. After I took the pill, it throbbed just a bit harder for a bit so God could let me know that I got the message right. Thanks, God!

So, last night, I told God that I'm listening now. You can be a bit more subtle if you want to, and I'll try to pay attention. Last night, no pain, and I've had no narcotics since yesterday afternoon. This morning, I got ready for work, listening to my body and to God. No pain. Off I went. I realized when I got out of the neighborhood that I'd left my nausia meds at home. As I pulled into work, I was nauseous and sweaty. So, I started talking to God. Ok, God, I'm listening. Can I just go in and get a few things done first, though? Hmmm, is this my will or yours. Oh yeah, the power to carry that out. God, will you give me the power to carry out your will please? After about an hour, I went home.

Hmm. Wonder how our conversation will go tonight and tomorrow.

Knowledge of God's Will for me and the Power to Carry it Out

2008-12-17T12:46:00.003-05:00

Our step group is on Step 11. Meanwhile, there's a situation brewing that's not about me but surely is affecting me. I have done absolutely everything I can do to help a kid in my life. But, she doesn't appear to be ready for help. The situation is aligning itself so that it's out of my hands. Usually, I'd be warring, warring, warring. I would KNOW what's best for this kid. The truth is I think I DO know what's best. But I can't make her choices for her. And if she continues on the path she's on, it will be out of my hands, and she'll be out of my life. Today, I'm more at peace with that possibility than I ever thought possible. I know today that I'll be ok no matter what. And when she's ready, the kid will be ok too. I may not be her particular instrument of change. But she's got a Higher Power too. And I can trust that she'll get what she needs, regardless of whether it's what she, or I, want.

HALT!

2008-12-16T09:56:00.002-05:00

I essentially have 3 lives. A work life, a home life, and a recovery life. I haven't been to my work life in a week because of my kidney stone. I won't talk about the home life outside of the parts involving adults. But let me just say, there are major issues. A professional associated with my home life told me to turn off my phone. Essentially, she's telling me to HALT. It's good that my recovery life gives me tools that I can recognize and apply in my work life. I may not always choose to use the tools, but I know I have them.

Please see me, revisited

2008-12-12T23:51:00.002-05:00

Here I go again with that feeling like I'm screaming out exactly what I need and I'm not being heard.

After calling the doc in hysterics this morning saying that I can't take another week of this pain, they agreed to fit me in today. I told them what meds I'd taken, and they said that it was ok, but that I'd have to stop taking the motrin immediately.

Today was a miseable day. The meds I'm on make me dehydrated, and I wasn't allowed to eat or drink all day.

At one point, I called my partner and begged her to bring me to the ER for the day until I could be seen. But the docs told me not to go, b/c they'd give me meds that would prevent me from having the procedure. So I stuck it out at home.

When I'm sick, what I need more than anything is petting. When I'm emotionally needy, my partner withdraws from me. Fun times. I felt like I was being really clear in telling her what I needed, but I just wasn't getting it. She needed her hand to smoke a cigarette while she was driving, so she couldn't touch me. I sat there trying to pet myself. It just doesn't have the same effect.

Once I'd gone through all my preop procedures including an IV and sedation meds, I was ON THE TABLE when they asked (for the third time today) when was the last time I'd taken a motrin. I answered the same thing I'd been saying, yesterday. They told me they couldn't do the procedure. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

We got home, and my partner went downstairs. She went and did a few errands, coming back into the house 3 different times, but not coming upstairs to check on me. I know she's overwhelmed, but I really needed her. I thought about ways I could get my petting and food needs met without my partner. I called a friend who's a great nurturer for me, only to find that she's in the hospital too. And my wonderful recovery friend offered to drive across town to bring me some broth.

I guess my secret message was in humility. I had to really humble myself to my partner and lay out what I needed from her. I told her I need lots of extra petting right now and I need her to check on me more often. I think I got through. I hate that it's such an effort.

Kidney Stone

2008-12-10T12:10:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I've been jealous of the collection of hospital bracelets everyone in my household has been getting in the last month, so last night I decided to get one of my own. During my Naranon meeting, I was having a weird pain in my lower back that was so intense at times that it was making me vomit. I ended up having a friend bring me to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with a 6 mm kidney stone. They say that that is really large, and it's unlikely that I'll be able to pass it on my own. To make things even more fun, I'm allergic to sulfa drugs, which means I can't take the medicine that would help my urinary tract. Sigh.

I'm proud of myself for speaking up and not suffering in silence, and for going straight to the hospital. (Of course, my original plan was to wait out the meeting and then go home if I was feeling ok.) But I did ask for and accept help.

I'm grateful that my partner is in a good place. She was really present and supportive. I'm a bit nervous about having narcotics in my house, but I'm trying to turn that over. As my sponsor says, if she ends up relapsing, I can trust that God has plans for more research for her.

Relationship Growth Spurt

2008-12-07T09:10:00.004-05:00

We had a 3 hour session with her therapist on Friday, and my partner has been fully present since then. It was really hard and really good. She told me later that her intention in inviting me was to have her therapist fix me by telling me to go on an antidepressant. What happened instead was that the therapist really helped us explore core issues and to really hear each other.

We talked alot about her dissociation and how it affects each of us. She was really able to own how much she goes away. She even told me that when I cry, she dissociates. It makes sense to me that emotionally charged situations would be really hard for her and that she would protect herself by going inside of herself. It also makes sense to me (and finally to her, too!) that I don't feel seen because of it.

We talked about her unwillingness to use intentional dialogues. She said that they're really hard for her because she can't remember what I said and then it's hard when she has to give it back to me. We both got that this, too, has to do with her dissociation. When she goes inside herself, it must be incredibly hard for her to validate and empathise with my experience. It's also incredibly hard for me when I'm pouring out empathy and validation and getting little back. I end up feeling frustrated and unimportant and out of balance. She ends up feeling frustrated and worthless and hopeless. I think maybe my sender responsibility is to pay attention to when she goes away and stop talking until she can resource herself and come back. Another sender responsibility that I have is to try to speak my truth, but in a way that she can hear, either by giving less information at a time, by containing my emotions to the best of my ability(by resourcing myself) and sharing with her honestly, but in ways that she's more likely to hear. I want to say what her receiver responsibility is, but that would be taking her inventory. My therapist tells me that I've been overcompensating, though. It makes sense to me that when I feel like I'm working harder and harder and harder and not getting much back, I end up with big resentments that are NOT healthy for the relationship.

We also talked about her experience that I can't hear her no. She says that when she tells me no, I harass her until she gives in. She gave some examples, and I validated her experience. It's true that in each of the instances she shared, I suggested more and more alternatives until she agreed to one of them. I can see how she's feeling like she doesn't have a vote, because in each of the instances, we eventually did one of the things I suggested. Given all that, I imagine she feels trapped and powerless. I even get that boundaries are really new for her, and she needs to build fortresses right now in order to protect herself. It's just how I operate with my mother. It bothers me that the person that she's protecting herself from is me, but even that makes sense. It's that Imago thing we're learning about, where we recreate trauma experiences until we work through them. I am NOT any of the people in her life who traumatized her and did not respect her boundaries, but she's projecting that shit on me because she hasn't worked through it yet and I'm the person she's closest to today. I am understanding all of this stuff to the best of my ability without being her.

But I really need her to be able to see my side. It's really lonely to be a partner to someone who's busy building fortresses to keep me out. It triggers the hell out of my abandonment issues. Those issues weren't installed by her, any more than her victimization issues were installed by me. But her behavior affects me. As much as I can understand it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt! What she sees as me not hearing no, I see as her not being able, yet, to enforce her own boundaries. That makes sense to me, too, because I have a hard time enforcing mine. I'm learning, through watching her struggle with this, that it's my job to enforce my boundaries and it's her job to enforce hers. It feels to me like she's blaming me for her failure to enforce her own boundaries. And, while she's busy building fortresses, she's not very negotiable. I see the same thing that she sees as me badgering her as her unwillingness to negotiate. Again, I get it. Boundaries and negotiation are new and hard for her. But it leaves me in a no-win place. She's not throwing out any alternatives. And then she's blaming me when I continue to come up with alternatives and then SHE finally agrees to one. Maybe this is my part here, and what I can try to do differently in negotiation. Again, I can slow down. I can pay attention to whether she's with me. I can ask her to come up with another alternative instead of continuing to put more and more options on the table.

Here's the good news. After our 3 hour therapy session, she's being fully present with me. She understood what I need in terms of validation and empathy, and she's really working on giving it to me. I'm not feeling abandoned right now, because she's not going away inside of herself right now. She's taking more risks and telling me her truth. As she's sharing her truth with me, I can be more compassionate and I can own my part and figure out what I need to change. We're being able to process things all the way through until we both feel heard and validated and we're being able to come to resolution together. For now, it feels like we're BOTH really working on the relationship. I don't feel so out of balance. And that feels really good.

Secret Message Decoder Ring

2008-12-06T09:20:00.004-05:00

My step group is starting Step 11, where we pray for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. I'm finding that I'm receiving a new gift of clarity. I've taken to calling it my secret message decoder ring. I'm asking for God's will for me, and I seem to be getting better at using my decoder ring to understand the answers.

I love the Promises from the AA Big Book, and I'm finding that with my new secret message decoder ring, this one's coming true:

-We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

It's a really cool gift! And speaking of that cool gift, this is my 100'th post. According to my secret message decoder ring, God wants me to keep speaking my truth here. And to know that this gift is a bigun. Thanks, God!!!!

PLEASE SEE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-04T22:58:00.003-05:00

I had a huge blow-out tantrum last week. I felt like I'd been asking and asking and asking and asking to be seen, validated, and empathized with. But my partner was too absorbed in her own stuff, and she couldn't see me. Finally, last Wednesday, I had a complete melt-down where I was a sobbing mess, begging her to see me.

I get that her stuff really isn't about me. But it does affect me. And I was completely done being invisible.

The scary hard thing is how effective tantrumming is. I don't like it. It feels way out of control and scary. But I have to admit that it is the one thing that gets attention when I'm feeling invisible. I see why 2 year olds use it.

Tonight, I did some work in therapy around it. We identified some of my really old family of origin wounds that created this overwhelming need in me to be seen. My therapist told me about some work she'd done around the same issue where she took pictures of herself as a kid and really saw that little girl and nurtured her. She reminded me that the only person who can really abandon me today is me. She helped me to really see my own little person and to nurture her.

I came home and told my partner about the work I did. I told her that I was working through feelings around last Wednesday. Her response: "Refresh my memory." ARGH!!!

Adding God to my amends list

2008-11-16T02:04:00.002-05:00

I recently completed step 8 with my online step group and am now starting 9. Meanwhile, a situation came up at work. I've been having difficulty with a person and a situation. It has been becoming more and more unmanageable for me, but I've been unwilling to deal with it directly. On Wednesday, the situation came to a head, and I ended up reacting out. I cried an ugly cry, as Oprah would call it, and poured out all of my feelings to one of my supervisors. She, in turn, wanted to bring it to the top boss. I told her that I was afraid, in part because the top boss is close friends with the person that I'm struggling with.

On my way to work the next morning, I prayed for the right words when it's time to talk to the top boss. I made an amend (in my head) saying that I was sorry for not trusting her when she had given me every reason to trust her. I rehearsed and rehearsed, trying to come up with just the right words.

Suddenly, it occured to me that this was another occasion where I was trying to control out of fear, and the solution to my fear is faith. I then realized that it's God that I owe that particular amend to- I haven't trusted God to give me what I need when I need it. So, I'm heading back to step 8 to add God to my amends list.

Heart Troubles

2008-11-08T07:51:00.004-05:00

My partner spent the night in the hospital on the Chest Pain Unit Tuesday night. She started having this pain during therapy (surprise!) A few hours later, after successfully completing a CPR class, she told the instructor about her pain, and he recommended that she go to the hospital.

This is not the first time we've gone through this. Each time, they run her through a series of tests, and each time they clear her to go home. I thought I handled things pretty well during the time. I wasn't overly anxious and I didn't completely detach to the point of ignoring the symptoms which may have been life threatening, although they have never been before. Our therapist strongly encouraged her to call her doctor when she started having symptoms during our session. She refused, and I left it alone. When we completed the CPR class, I suggested that she tell her symptoms to the instructor. When he suggested we go to the ER, I took her. When she decided that she didn't like the smell of the first ER and wanted to go somewhere else, I did what she asked. (Even though by that point it had been more than 4 hours since she'd first started having symptoms. If it WAS a heart attack, she probably would have been dead by then.)

Afterwards, I asked for permission to give her feedback, and when she gave it to me, I suggested that she give her doctor and therapist permission to communicate with each other. I also suggested that she might want to ask her therapist to help her with some body work to maybe work through whatever it is that keeps bringing her back to this place. I even told her the next day how I was feeling- unappreciated and unimportant. She acknowledged that she hadn't thanked me for being there for her through the ordeal and that she did just expect me to do something for her rather than saying please. She said that she was being self-centered, but that if she ever were really dying, she wasn't going to say please and thank you.

The following day I was hovering on tears. I don't know if it was just exhaustion or if I had some unprocessed feelings left. I'm kind of beating myself up for being frustrated with the time and money involved in these hospital stays that never find anything. It's also scary though to think that there could ever come a time when I'd ignore the whole thing and it might actually BE a heart attack and I'd be responsible for her death. A friend in recovery reminded me that I came by these feelings rightly, and that my partner could actually call 911 if she ever really thought she was having a heart attack and I wasn't responding.

I sure wish she'd sort this stuff out though. I'm getting tired!

White Chip

2008-11-02T15:35:00.003-05:00

My partner told me yesterday that she'd be picking up a white chip in the evening.

She told me that over the past couple of weeks she's been taking various medications, from a common over-the-counter cold medicine that has a lot of alcohol in it to some leftover muscle relaxants that belonged to someone who used to live in our house and some other things. She said that her therapist, who's a recovering alcoholic had told her weeks ago that she couldn't have the cold medicine, but she'd chosen to keep using it anyway and to use more than prescribed.

She has a new sponsor, who apparently told her that she didn't think that she needed to pick up a white chip. But my partner didn't feel comfortable with that, and kept asking others in recovery, and decided that she did need to pick up the chip.

I'm proud of her for putting it out there and for pursuing it when she was first given a pass by her sponsor. I'm glad that she's taking this stuff seriously and that it seems that for today, she's not sliding further down that slippery slope. I'm glad that she came to me and told me. I understand why I was the last to know, but that part is painful. The other part that's hard is the reality distortion. Just last weekend, we were at a recovery conference together and she was celebrating 6 months clean. Stupid me talked about how cool it is that they honor 18 months and that she'll be able to stand up for that next year. I was also starting to look forward to her finally having a year clean and being able to speak to my naranon group. What I now know is that she really didn't have 6 months when she was standing up dancing and cheering. I do struggle with that reality distortion thing. Oh well. I have tools. So does she. For today, she's taking her recovery seriously. I can't really ask for more than that.

Hung up on my mother

2008-11-01T12:43:00.003-04:00

Hmmm. It's interesting that my title can be taken two ways, and while I meant it literally, the other way is also true. I AM hung up on my mother. She still has a lot of power over me. She's very invested in trying to control me and I'm just as invested in not letting her.

Today, she shared a very reasonable concern for my safety. The problem is that she has shared this concern before and had my sister in law share it too. Today she reminded me that she and my sister-in-law shared this concern and told me that she had found a newspaper article that she wants to send me about the concern. She told me all about the dire consequences that will happen if I don't take the action she wants me to take and that I have to take that action to protect all the members of my family.

Every time she took a breath, I told her "thank you for your input." She asked me why I was thanking her for her input and why I wasn't doing what she was telling me to do. I told her that I understand how frustrating it is when you want someone to do what you believe is good for them. (GOD, DO I UNDERSTAND!!!!) She told me that she wasn't frustrated, she was panicked. Actually, I totally get that too. Finally, I told her that I understood what she wants me to do, and if she continues to discuss it that I'd hang up. She continued. I told her I love her and hung up. Later, I called back and left her a message saying that I love her and that she is welcome to suggest that I do something but she is NOT welcome to insist.

You know, the truth is that she is absolutely right about what she's saying. And I really do get that controlling comes from fear. It was a good reminder of what I look like when I'm trying to get my partner to do things the way I want her to, and that the more controlling I am, the less likely that she, or anyone else, is going to do things the way I want them to, no matter how right I might be.

Thanks mom! That wasn't the lesson you intended for me, but it's the one I got. Just for today.

Plotting with Mr. Junky

2008-10-18T08:50:00.004-04:00

I think my partner must be hanging out and plotting with JW's husband, Mr. Junky. Yesterday, she got all addicty when I confronted her about a particular behavior. She darted and weaved and I ended up apologizing all over myself for a behavior that I had owned and cleaned up when it happened weeks ago. Meanwhile, she was sulky and pouty and at the same time smirky over her current behavior that was clearly wrong. Then, she turned herself off and went to sleep.

You know, it amazes me that she can do that. For her, withdrawing to the bed and literally pulling the covers over her head is a coping mechanism that she's remarkably good at. Typically, her withdrawal to the bed activates my anxiety, and I have an even harder time going to sleep. So, when we're in a stuck place, she ends up oversleeping, and I end up undersleeping. Fun times.

I did pull out my maladaptive tool of projecting. I planned a miserable day for us for today with her being all withdrawn and me figuring out how to survive the day. I also predicted that she'd spend the day in bed and not follow through on a committment we'd made together for this day. I plotted how her poor choice was going to grow and impact our family all the way out to a grand finale that I'm particularly worrying about. More fun times.

But I also called a friend, who told me that my partner probably knows what she did wrong and reminded me that I can't make her feel more badly about herself than she already does. She suggested that I do nothing and do my best to enjoy this day. She said to use it as an experiment and see what happens.

And guess what? My partner must have consulted Mr. Junky again last night while she was sleeping. Because this morning, I got my own bread from the hardware store. My partner called me over to her, looked into my eyes, apologized for what she did, owned what she should have done differently, and then cuddled with me. All's right with the world.

Spiritual Fanny Pack

2008-10-14T19:48:00.003-04:00

My sponsee shared this great reading today about trust. I'm pasting it below this post. I can't give credit, b/c I really don't know where it came from.

I have a new child who came into my life yesterday who came with a laundry list of diagnoses. One of the diagnoses is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD.) One of the common behaviors of RAD kids is hoarding, b/c they have been deprived and don't feel that they will be provided with enough food to eat. One of the interventions that's used sometimes is to give them a fanny pack of food that they can keep with them, and keep restocking it when it's empty.

When I read the reading below, I realized that I've been hoarding when it comes to control, and that what I need is a spiritual fanny pack. The truth is that I already have this spiritual fanny pack, and I carry it with me. It's always accessible if I reach for it, and it's always stocked.

My sponsor tells me all the time that I should pray to turn fear to faith, and I'm sssssllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwlllllly coming to understand just what that means. Just for today, I'm going to trust that I already have everything I need. There's no need to hoard control, b/c I have a never ending supply in my spiritual fanny pack.

Here's the reading. Enjoy!

"CONTROLLING VERSUS TRUST
There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Anonymous

Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.

We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.

We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.

We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.

We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.

We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.

We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.

We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.

Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.

The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.

Trust, my friend, in today.

Just for today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through, today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow."

It's Not About the Batteries

2008-10-11T13:55:00.002-04:00

I'm on my 3rd day of struggling over a silly little squabble my partner and I had. It started when she was in the bathroom, and I came in and handed her some batteries and told her that they go in the charger. The next morning, when they were laying on the counter next to the charger, I got upset. She got angry with me and told me that I didn't ask her to put them in the charger. I agreed that I didn't ask, and told her I'd work on that. She said she didn't do anything wrong and left PISSED!

I tried to have an intentional dialogue with her later, and it went downhill fast. First, she delayed and delayed and delayed the dialogue, until she was in bed and had already taken "bedicine." When we finally had our dialogue, I really worked at owning my shit, and my perception is that she really worked at protecting herself. Needless to say, it didn't go well.

Today, I'm still struggling. It's really not the batteries I'm struggling with. It's the fact that my need to process through feelings together and come out on the other side together is colliding with her need to avoid conflict and to build her wall of self-protection when she thinks she's being attacked.

We have this same struggle often, when I want to process through something and she doesn't. She says I'm trying to control her, and in a way I have to own that I am. I want her behavior to be different, and I can't make that happen. Maybe I need to figure out a way to resolve my feelings without her, but that makes me sad. A friend in the fellowship reminded me that hadn't I just worked through a really, really, hard lesson in letting go? Did I really need God to provide more growth opportunities in that area? I was able to get clear that I need to let my partner know that I'm really struggling, not with the batteries, but with the dance we do when there's conflict between us. I need to speak my piece, and then I need to let go of the outcome. Or, God can certainly give me some more opportunities to practice that letting go thing.

Playing Tug Of War with God

2008-10-09T23:10:00.002-04:00

I guess I've had some lessons to learn, and maybe, just maybe, I've finally learned them. God and I have been playing tug of war over a kid who's very important to me. I think I've let the situation go, and it comes back to me. And around and around we go, faster and faster. Each time the possibility returned that she might come back into my life, I got excited, and each time it didn't come through, I was crushed. My sponsor told me that at some point, I'm going to get to the point where I can say "whatever." Well, the final (at least it appears to be final) decision is in, and she's not coming back into my life. I can't say "whatever," but I'm not crushed. I hope things work out for her the way she wants them to, though I don't think it's likely. I really hope that she learns what she needs to learn from the situation and that she comes through it stronger. Today, I participated in a healing service during the Yom Kippur service. We sang the MiSheberah, and I put her name and the name of her mother out there. I wish healing for both of them. I wish healing for me.

Not My Will

2008-10-06T18:25:00.003-04:00

I've had quite the roller coaster of a week. First, my partner and I had to make a decision. Once we came together, the kid in question, and the folks who are supposed to protect her, fell apart. The decision was put to me during Rosh Hashanah, and I really worked on giving it to God right from the start. I'm not sorry I opened up my heart again, though the outcome is clearly not what I wanted, at least for today. I've been riding the roller coaster of my feelings as the decision keeps being for sure one way and then for sure the other. Now we're back in limboland again. We've been asked to keep the option open for this child of my heart while she's thrown to the wolves. My sponsor once told me that if my partner decided to relapse that maybe she had some more research to do and that I needed to trust my higher power and hers. It appears that's where I am again, only it's this child that apparently has more research to do. God, please take care of her. God, please take care of me. Amen.

service work as an opportunity to work through character defects

2008-10-05T22:04:00.003-04:00

I heard in an OA meeting not too long ago that service work was an opportunity to work through character defects. I didn't believe it, but it's true. I've recently taken on some service work in my online step study. One role I took on was homework monitor. We all made some shared agreements about how we would do homework on the steps. We agreed that if people didn't post for two consecutive weeks, they'd be put out, but that they could request the opportunity to come back if they agreed to do the work.

I was one of the people who agreed to share the role of monitoring. The first time I did it, I totally obsessed. I counted each response for each individual in the group. It wasn't too hard, because it was only the first week, so there was no worry that someone could actually reach the limit of being out. But I started getting anxious. What if they answered some questions, but not all? How do I word a reminder?

By my next turn, people actually being put out became a distinct possibility. I decided to add yet another reminder. This time, I'm serious, kinda thing. I told them that I'd be checking the next day, and gave the time. When a couple people didn't respond or post, I had a really hard time. So, here I was having the opportunity to practice setting and enforcing my boundaries. AFGO!!!

It was kinda reassuring this week, when someone else took on the task, and struggled with the same things. I wasn't alone. Shew.

Meanwhile, I discovered that I've been acting out more character defects in the group- people pleasing and controlling. In the beginning, a member of the group asked for help posting the questions. Of course, good codie that I am, I jumped in and did them. Then, week by week, I took on the task of finding someone to post the questions. This week, I just stopped and did nothing. Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Someone commented that we forgot to find someone to post questions. My anxiety alarms ran, but I did nothing. Someone else picked it up.

Funny, this week, we're working on step 4, and look at all these character defects popping out of hiding. Guess I'd better go do my homework.

knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out

2008-10-03T00:25:00.002-04:00

The last few days, my partner and I have been struggling with a decision regarding a child who is very important to me and who has been a big challenge for her. The child was pivotal in our addiction story, and came close to causing the end of our relationship. She's also what brought us into therapy and resulted in huge positive changes in our relationship. Today, we have the opportunity for a do-over. My will is clearly that we take that opportunity. My partner has been all over the map with the decision. She's scared, which certainly makes sense. I've been trying really hard to turn it over to God.

Yesterday, the second day of Rosh Hashanah, was emotional for me in all kinds of ways. During the priestly blessing, parents who were with their children put their hands on their children's heads and blessed them. Those of us whose children weren't with us were told to send the blessing out to them. My parents were there giving me their blessing, and I was sending mine out to this child of my heart.

Later, during the last sounding of the Shofar, the leader of that part of the service suggested that we think about 3 things during the sounding. The first thing he said to think of was the sound of Sarah when she thought she had lost Isaac and to hear the sound of mourning. The second was that the shofar is a call to worship and a call to awaken spiritually. The third thing he suggested was that the shofar is to be sounded at the coming of the messiah, so to hear the shofar sounds as sounds of hope. So here I was, trying to turn this child over to God, and being told to hear the sound of a mother mourning her child, but also the awakening of the spirit, and the sound of hope. It kind of summarized where I've been these last few days- opening up this wound and opening myself up to the possibility of mourning yet again, but also connecting to God and to hope.

ELUL and the Steps

2008-09-28T15:16:00.005-04:00

Last weekend, the student rabbi of my congregation gave me an ELUL journal. She had shared that we would have some opportunities to look at ways to journal in this month getting ready for the High Holidays. Since we didn't get to it as a group, she shared it with me. It was truly a gift.

I love how my religion, just like any religion or spiritual practice, matches so closely with the 12 steps.

Here's what I read about the four steps of Selichot, the quest for forgiveness:
1. Honestly admit the harm we have caused.
2. Make amends unless doing so causes further harm.
3. Ask forgiveness from those we have hurt.
4. Turn away from the hurtful behavior and do good.

For me, this fits exactly with my steps, though just not in the same order.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Then, there's Teshuvah, returning to God and godliness. For me, this fits with these steps:
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out.

I am supposed to be almost finished with this journal, since Rosh Hashanah starts tomorrow night. But here I am again, doing it perfectly imperfectly. And now I have yet another tool for my toolbox. Thank God!

Step 2- OA Edition

2008-09-28T12:07:00.003-04:00

We just finished step 2 in my online writing workshop. Yesterday, we read step 2 in the OA 12 and 12 in my OA meeting. The beginning of the reading focused on the insanity of the disease of compulsive overeating. There was so much that fit me. Eating way past being full to the point of being uncomfortable over and over again is the one that resonated the most. It really is compulsive behavior.

You know, one of the first things someone told me when I was trying to understand abstinence in OA was to choose one trigger food and abstain from that. For me, it was car candy. If I have candy in the car, I over-eat it. Last week, for the first time in a while, I bought a bag of candy corn and put it in my car. I decided a few days ago to limit myself to 5 pieces in every car trip. That worked for a few days. I thought to myself that maybe I'd figured out a plan of eating car candy. But then yesterday, ON MY WAY TO MY OA MEETING, I finished off the bag. Ok, God, I guess I really AM an addict, and I can't have car candy and eat just a little.

Later in the step 2 OA reading, they talked about the destructive cycle we go through. It talked about how we turn to food for comfort, but we need more and more. It said that we keep seeking that comfort that comes from food, even when it stops working. You could have inserted crack or opiods for food in that passage, and it would have been the same. I really DO have an addiction and I really am powerless over it. There really is insanity in my relationship with food. And I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. It works for my disease of codependency. It can work for my disease of compulsive overeating as well.

$5,000

2008-09-26T23:04:00.002-04:00

My partner procrastinated on something, and it looks like it's going to cost her daughter $5,000. She'd been asked to send in her tax returns to the financial aid office. The school hasn't been really firm with the boundary. First they said that her daughter may not be able to register for fall classes. The boundary kept getting pushed. Today, her daughter called crying saying that the deadline was today at 5pm and it'll cost her $5,000. It's now done, and I don't know if it's too late. I also don't know how I feel about it. I don't want my stepdaughter to pay for my partner's mistake, particularly in her senior year. But I don't want to pay for it either.

I'm working on a balance between compassion and detachment. I'm trying to stay on my side of the street. I'm trying to stay in today. And I'm trying to trust that whatever happens as a result of this will be for my stepdaughter's, my partner's and my best.

God of my Growing Understanding

2008-09-22T18:08:00.003-04:00

The first time I worked the steps, I believed in the power of the 12 step program and in the power of my group. That was enough for me to continue working the steps despite my status as an Agnostic Jew.

Then, the most recent time I worked the steps, I embraced the idea that I really didn't have to understand, and started praying to the God of my Lack of Understanding.

Now, here I am on Step 2 again, and I'm noticing that I'm much more comfortable with and in tune with a growing understanding of God.

This weekend, my Jewish community had a weekend study. We looked a lot at our undertanding of God. Our visiting student Rabbi talked about being made in God's image not being a physical thing, but rather that when we are doing right in the world, we bring a piece of God to the world. That works for me. She also shared some liturgy describing the relationship between God and people in many different ways and described it as many different entry points into a relationship with God.

I still don't buy the Disney Dad God or the Wrathful God. I don't know that there's someone up there watching every move I make and making decisions based on my behavior. I also don't buy God, the puppeteer, who's got me on a string and I only think I'm making my own decisions.

But God as the still small voice inside me that helps me choose the next right thing, that works for me. God as the message that really speaks to me from a reading or from a friend also works for me.

And regardless of my complete lack of understanding or my growing understanding, the program, and my understanding, works when I work it.

AFGO- Pain

2008-09-16T07:06:00.003-04:00

I've been working on Step 1, and we had these questions about pain. Here's what I said Saturday when asked what areas of my life are causing me sadness:

"Right now, I'm not experiencing sadness. My disease tends to be one of extremes. Things at work and at home are going well at the moment, and I'm really not sure what to do with myself. When my addict's issues are bouncing up against mine and there's nothing I can do to "make" her do things differently, I have great sadness. I have learned, through much pain, that I really can't control her. So, when she's acting out in ways that affect me, my only choices are to live with it or to make changes that can feel extremely uncomfortable, and in those times of deciding what I'm going to do, I experience great sadness."

Then there was the question that said that pain is a signal to act out my addiction, obsession or compulsion and asked what pain is my loudest signal. I said:

"My loudest signal is perceived abandonment. When my partner withdraws to the bed or refuses to work through an issue with me, it triggers me to act out my own addiction, obsession, and compulsion."

So, what happens? My partner has physical pain, she withdraws from me, and I start acting out in my disease. AFGO!

Using my tools- perfectly imperfectly

2008-09-15T06:57:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I said:

"And guess what? It's the weekend. My addict is piddling around the house, mostly NOT engaging with me. She's also being very loud about her back hurting. I'm not sitting around the house waiting for her to spend time with me. I'm not obsessing about whether she's going to decide to self-medicate and relapse. I'm busy with my own life and my own program. For today, I'm working it, and it's working!!!"

Well for the morning anyway. By night time, I was anxiety ridden over my abandonment issues and triggered over her combination of back pain and isolation and I overate and did not get enough sleep. Sigh. Today's a new day!

My post was supposed to end here, but speaking of today being a new day, my partner just came home after leaving for work. She said she forgot her bra and now she's in a bind. She said she can't afford another occurance, and if she goes in late, she'll get one, but if she takes the day off and goes to the doctor, she won't. I told her calmly, that I can't afford to pay for another day off without pay and that she needs to have a plan for when she runs out of days. She said that she'd have to come up with a plan when that happens. I told her that I need a plan NOW. She said she guesses she'll just go in sick. I asked what would happen if she doesn't. She thought for a bit, and then said that she'd make it up out of her spending money. I said that's fine, or you can do overtime, or whatever else you need to do, but I can't afford to pay for another day of lost wages. I said that this is a very clear boundary in my head, and you need to know it. I said what I meant. I meant what I said. And I said it firmly, but not mean.

One step back, but two steps forward. NOW, on with the day.

Using my tools

2008-09-14T14:55:00.004-04:00

Today, I did some step 1 work. I did what I committed to myself and the internet that I was gonna do, and addressed my compulsive overeating while working the step. Afterwards, I decided to make some program calls to members of OA. That's getting out of my comfort zone. I'm finally to the point where I'm totally comfortable picking up the phone and calling my naranon friends.

But today, I reached out in particular to someone that I really don't know, but who seems to have what I want. I asked her about her experience working the steps in OA. She told me about her experiences. She pointed me to a 4th step tool that's specific to OA. She told me about a 12 step guide that she used, and agreed to email me with information about the guide. She talked to me about some of her successes and some of her struggles. She talked about getting ahead of herself when on step 4 by thinking about the upcoming work she would have in making amends. She mentioned that she's in more than one recovery program (just like me) and that she wanted to do one inventory, but that that didn't work for her. She found that she needed to address her separate issues separately. She talked to me about things that were getting in the way of her 9th step work, and how she's handling them. I'm so glad I made this call. I hung up feeling very uplifted.

I guess when I think about it, I also did some 12 step work today- carrying the message to those who still suffer. I helped a friend who's got a whole lot of recovery behind her but is very new to step work. And I reached out to somebody online who's where I've been, and shared my experience, strength and hope.

And guess what? It's the weekend. My addict is piddling around the house, mostly NOT engaging with me. She's also being very loud about her back hurting. I'm not sitting around the house waiting for her to spend time with me. I'm not obsessing about whether she's going to decide to self-medicate and relapse. I'm busy with my own life and my own program. For today, I'm working it, and it's working!!!

Stepping it Up again

2008-09-13T14:31:00.002-04:00

I went to a new (for me) OA meeting this morning. I have this love/hate relationship with OA. It's taken me forever to identify myself as a compulsive overeater in those rooms. The format of this meeting is 12 and 12. They read and discuss the steps and traditions, rotating back and forth. Apparently, last week they finished tradition 12, so today, we started with Step 1.

Meanwhile, I've started another step study group online, and where are we this week? You guessed it, Step 1.

I'm getting pretty comfortable with my naranon issues, and getting much better at being able to look at myself when I'm working the steps of Naranon. But I've found that when I'm in OA meetings, I tend to focus on the Naranon/Codependency issues rather than my compulsive overeating, even to the point of being unwilling to self identify as a compulsive overeater.

So I made a committment in my OA meeting, and I'm putting it out here to, in order to hold myself accountable. This week, when I'm doing my writing about Step 1, I am going to be intentional about including my compulsive overeating. So, everybody, I'm R, I'm Codependent, I'm a Lesbian, AND I'm a compulsive overeater.

Live and Let Live

2008-08-17T10:57:00.004-04:00

Yesterday's reading in the Naranon daily reader, Sharing Experience Strength and Hope, talked about the slogan, "Live and Let Live." The writer said that s/he worked it backwards. S/he first learned to let live, and then learned to live.

I realized that that slogan worked for me yesterday as soon as I chose to work it. But for me, I had to live in order to let live. I chose to spend about an hour being home alone and miserable after my expected losses. And I waited, ever so patiently, for my designated babysitter to wake up and come play with me. You know, even while I was doing it, I could see how that waiting shit so doesn't work for me. And how I was playing out the exact same psychodrama I play so well and so often with my addict without the addict in the equation. It wasn't the giving my friend space to sleep in that was a problem, any more than giving my addict that same space. It was the fact that what I was choosing to do with my time was wait for somebody else. So after an hour or so of that, I made a different choice. I went out and played with a baby. It was just what I needed to jumpstart my day.

I went out and played with my designated babysitter. She indulged me in my fantasies of creating natural consequences for my addict. Of course, the fact that I'd be creating them makes the consequences decidedly unnatural. But my wise friend didn't point that out to me. We went to a meeting, where among other things, I heard today's reading on the slogan, live and let live. I then spent a wonderful 3 hours with another friend in recovery. We sat outside listening to live music and sharing.

On my way home, I was listening to the radio and came up with the silly but fun idea of throwing myself a dance party. So that's exactly what I did. I now have a fun artist's date to report back to my Artist's Way group. And I honestly had fun alone in my house. Whoda thunk.

The not so surprising thing is that the more I live my own life, the easier it's becoming to let live. I don't need to call my addict on her addicty ways. And I don't need to create natural consequences for her. I'm too busy living.

Abandonment AFGO

2008-08-16T11:41:00.004-04:00

I'm apparently supposed to be looking at my abandonment issues today.

My partner went away on a planned recovery retreat for the weekend. Then, Thursday, we found out that we'd be facing another major loss today. The other loss was not unexpected, but it doesn't make it any less hard. And because of her retreat, I'm having to face the work of it and the feelings of it alone. Rah.

Her leaving was unpleasant. I know she was excited, but she was also incredibly self-absorbed. I was trying to deal with my feelings surrounding her short leave and then today's permanent one. I was trying not to be clingy. She made it easier and easier not to be clingy with her obnoxiousness towards me and everyone else in the house. Before she left, I'd finally had enough, and told her so. I told her to have a nice trip, and went back into the house. As she left, she apologized for being bitchy.

Now I'm caught in that damned trap between detachment and accepting unacceptable behavior. I want her to know exactly how she added to my pain this weekend instead of sharing it. I want to spell it out for her, give her a laundry list of her transgressions.

I'm also realizing that I'm wanting to use my hurt and anger about her behavior yesterday to distract me from my feelings of today.

I'll survive this loss. I always do. And I've chosen this life situation which involves attaching and then losing people in my life. What makes me so good at what I do is the very thing that makes it so hard when it's over. This time, I knew going in that it was particularly short-term. The first time I went through this, I thought I was gonna die. But I didn't. And I didn't REALLY lose the person. He's just in my life in a very different way today. Today's loss makes number 8 and 9. I'll survive it, like I have every other one. And I'll willingly sign on for more.

I've made some tentative plans to take care of me this weekend. I'll get through it. I wish we were getting through it together, but that's just not in the cards today. God apparently REALLY wants me to work on this abandonment stuff today.

Julia Cameron keeps talking about me

2008-08-14T12:50:00.004-04:00

I'm on the second book in the Artist's Way series. Last week, in week 9, Julia talked about the difference between worry and fear. She says that worry is obsessive and flits from subject to subject, seeking out worst case scenerios. Worry's job is to distract us from what we're really afraid of, according to Cameron. She also says that while most of us are afraid of fear, it's actually a good grounding thing, telling us to do something to take care of ourselves.

Last week, while I was supposed to be reading this chapter, I was busy worrying- worrying that my partner was abusing my kid's narcotic pain meds, worrying that she didn't want to spend any time with me, and creating all kinds of miserable scenerios about going back to work next week. I was a mess. That wonderful friend I was just thanking said to me at one point, "What's wrong with you? You're doing everything wrong!" And she was right. Things were actually going pretty well in my life, but I was using worry to create all kinds of crazies for me all over the place.

This week, Julia's talking about me again. "Nervous, we create dramas to make ourselves more nervous. We announce, "I've been thinking about your character, and I'm not so sure I should trust it. What do you think about that, wife?" " Geesh, was she there in my house when I was codiexploding?

Julia has answers for me, when I choose to listen. This week, she's telling me to keep the drama on the stage, or for me, on the page. She says that when I'm not creating art, I am likely to create unecessary drama in my life. She's also telling me to catch myself a catcher's mitt- a somebody who encourages me, helps me focus, and when necessary, catches my pop flies. I have great catcher's mits in my life. But lately, I'm more likely to call them AFTER the balls are all lost in the field. So for today, I'm committing to writing here and to calling my catcher's mit BEFORE I throw my next ball. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Thanks, Friend!

2008-08-06T15:26:00.003-04:00

You might have heard that I've been codiexploding all over the place, lately. Well, a dear friend in recovery heard, and has been chasing me down to hear all about it.

She let me spew all of the minute details of my codiexplosions. She listened gently and without judgement, and reminded me to be gentle with myself. She pointed out things I couldn't see. She gave me the two gifts that have become the most important in the world to me- validation and empathy.

Thanks, friend!!!!!

Codiexplosions

2008-08-04T19:20:00.002-04:00

I've been codiexploding all over the place in the past few days.

Saturday, my kid had surgery, which led me to a series of people pleasing behaviors that backfired and ended up hurting all involved. In the meantime, I didn't fill his prescription, hoping that he wouldn't need it and I wouldn't have to deal with narcotics in the house. He did well all day, but by evening, he was hurting. I went out and filled the scrip, but he had unneccessary time in pain because of MY fear. And I spent the night feeling guilty, both for the consequences of my people pleasing and for the kid's extra time hurting.

Last night at dinner, my kid and my partner were acting strange, and I jokingly (sorta) asked her if she'd gotten into the kid's stash. Then, a few hours later, I miscounted the pills and was sure that she had. I figured it out, but was left with all these feelings. Then, when I told my partner about them, she wasn't as compassionate as I wanted her to be about MY disease rearing its ugly head. Duh! I'd just told her I'd been accusing her in my head of something she didn't do. And meanwhile, I'm sure the narcotics in the house are doing a number on HER addict. She turned her entire body away from me and I dissolved into tears in an abandonment codiexplosion.

This afternoon, she agreed to let a friend of one of the kids come over for dinner and said she'd make ribs. Then, she promptly fell asleep and couldn't be aroused for hours. (For those of you loyal readers, her sleeping for extended periods is a major trigger for me.) We've been playing tug-of-war with the dinner bucket of shit. As far as I know, she's finally ordered pizza.

I think Mantra's Pissy Pants has invaded my house.

Go See Swing Vote!

2008-08-01T08:47:00.005-04:00

And tell me what you think. I got free tickets to an advanced screening. It's not touted at all as an addiction story, but it certainly is one. The codie daughter broke my heart. It had its holes, but through my new lenses, I was clearly able to see the addict as separate from the man. I won't say more, b/c I know you haven't gotten a chance to see it yet. But once it's been out for a minute or so, I'd love to see some reviews. (MPJ AND TDA, this particularly means YOU!!)

Lose/Lose- Our current negotiation system

2008-07-29T09:09:00.003-04:00

I get this clutch feeling in my chest when we're negotiating, regardless of what it is that we're negotiating about. I keep bumping into it lately. Saturday, it was negotiating for time. Sunday, it was over the last two pieces of pizza. Yesterday it was about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

We really don't negotiate well, at least not yet. It's not pretty. It's also not adult. We're two little desperate survivor children, and whatever we're arguing about takes on waaay more importance than who gets the pizza or who does the dishes. It's about survival, not just survival of the relationship, but of each of our very selves.

Our arguments must look really weird to an outside observer. This is how it looks to me like they usually go, with credit to MPJ for the codiespeak and to A for the courage to tell me what she hears when we're in conflict.

Me: I want to talk about how this (time, pizza, dishes, life) situation is not working for me. (Uh oh. Am I stepping on a landmine this time? Here goes nothing.)
Her: OK, let's talk. (Warning Will Robinson. I'm about to be under attack. OK, just hang on till it's over.)
Me: Here's what I think, feel, want. (What she hears: "blah, blah, blah, attack, attack, attack.")
Her: OK, have it your way. (Things aren't going to go my way anyway. If I give her what she wants, maybe she'll stop attacking me. Besides, this is all I deserve anyway. I'm worthless.)
Me: No, wait, have it your way. (Please love me. I'll try harder. I'll do better!)
Repeat last two lines until someone gives up.
Me: Are we OK? What do you need for us to be ok? (Oh My God! She's LEAVING ME! Come Back! I'll do anything. Just come baaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!!!!)
Her: I'm tired. I'm going to sleep now. (I gave her what she wanted. Why won't she stop attacking me. What I hear: "I'm going away forever.")

Needless to say, this cycle is not working for either of us. But I'm having a hard time breaking it. I'm getting better at the first part. I'm learning to put my wants and needs on the table in spite of my fear of abandonment. I'm also getting better at the second part- identifying what I feel, what I need, and what I want.

But it's all downhill for me as soon as I hear "have it your way." I'm all wrapped up in her head and I lose me. You know, even when I'm writing out this dialogue, I'm in her head, and that's dangerous territory for me. I guess I need to get better at taking care of me, and leave the taking care of her where it belongs, with her.

The truth is that neither of us is going anywhere, even though it feels like it to me every time we start down this path. Hopefully, as I get clearer and more focused on me, she'll get clearer and more focused on her. But whether she does or doesn't is her journey. And I really gotta get back to my side of the street.

Ever So Patiently

2008-07-26T10:54:00.004-04:00

So, this morning, I was waiting ever so patiently for my partner to wake up so that we could go attend a very special event that we look forward to all year. This year, I'm doing something special there, that I'm excited and nervous about, and since I want to make sure I do it right, I wanna get there early and see other people do it first.

So, she's asleep, and I'm waiting, ever so patiently.

I try distracting myself by luring my sponsor to chat with me in our new toy. And I wait for her. Ever so patiently. Of course, ever so patiently involves stalking her, and bugging her and leaving secret messages for her everywhere, letting her know how ever so patiently I'm waiting.

Then, of course, there's a bug in our new toy, which gives me more and more opportunities to practice patience. There's no refresh button. God does have a sense of humor, doesn't he?

My partner finally wakes up, with just a teensy bit of encouragement from me. She gets a text message, and I lay her phone right next to her hand. Of course I let her know that I've been waiting, ever so patiently.

She decides that she has a particular shirt she wants to wear to the event, but it's dirty. She'll have to wash it. ARGH!!! I remind her about how patient I've been. I ask if she could at least wash it in the sink and then dry it so it can be done faster. We get into a silly argument over how long it takes to run a mini load in the washer. She tells me not to worry my pretty little head about it, and then tells me to quit whining. I get all tight inside, and then stop and tell her that it's ok for me to express my wants and needs and ask if we can negotiate. Negotiation is a tool we've been learning that we're not very good at, yet. We did it. Not perfectly, but we did it. And now I have more time than I wanted, but less time than I would have without negotiating. To wait. Ever so patiently.

keeping what i have by giving it away

2008-07-24T13:24:00.003-04:00

Somebody was talking about her struggle around money in the Junky's Wives Club today. In sharing my own experience, strength and hope, I was able to get clearer for me. Here's what I said:

"What I'm learning is that I have to work on acting, and not reacting. I need to look inside myself to figure out what I want, what I need, and what I feel. That's been the hardest part, b/c I completely lost me for a while, and I'm just now figuring that out. Once I know what I need, then I have to set boundaries to take care of myself. You might, after looking inside, decide that what you need to feel safe is to have control of the money for now. Many addicts and addicts wives have come to that decision together. If you decide that you need to be in control of the money in order to feel safe, and you set that as a boundary, then it's up to him to decide whether he can live with that boundary or not. If he chooses not to honor your boundary, then it's up to you to decide whether you can live with that or not. It's hard, hard, hard, complicated stuff. I surely don't do it perfectly. But I'm getting better. Hang in there. And keep sharing. That's what's helped me the most."

Then later, I was just talking to a dear friend who's struggling with boundaries. She called me white light, and said she thought I didn't need my step group because I AM white light. I told her that MY disease is that it's waaay easy for me to boss other folks around, but it's much harder to let them in and see me and my struggles.

In talking to this friend, I got even clearer about the losing me I referred to earlier. I think my greatest character defect of all time is fear of abandonment, and it draws me to go to any length if I let it. I won't even state a boundary, let alone decide for myself what the consequence of invading it might be or, God forbid, follow through on that consequence, because the end result might be abandonment. And abandonment feels intolerable for me.

But, as I'm learning to date myself (go on artist dates and write morning pages and get more comfortable with me), I'm increasing my tolerance. And that's making me, and my relationships, so much healthier.

I'm so grateful for the tools I'm learning and my friends, real and imaginary, who help me to get clearer and healthier, one day at a time.

White Light

2008-07-21T10:57:00.003-04:00

We finally met about the 12th step yesterday in our Step Group. It's been an amazingly powerfully healing journey. I look at the growth in the 4 women around me and I know I'm growing too. Getting ready to meet, I rediscovered a tool just when I needed it. I've been spinning for days and not realizing why. I'm finding that my feelings are a barometer for how my partner is doing. She's been working through something major and hadn't been ready to share it with me. My codie powers picked up that something was wrong, but the powers are a bit warped, so how it gets interpreted in my brain is that something must be wrong with me. Anyway, once I used this 12 step tool, I was able to get myself much better centered. And then, not so coincidentally, as soon as I felt more centered, my partner felt able to share what's been going on inside her. Wow! Yet again, it works when I work it.

Here's the tool, modified from from The 12 Steps- A Way Out.

Write a clear concise statement about a situation or condition that's really bothering you and bringing up big feelings (resentment, fear, sadness, or anger.) Then apply the principles of all 12 steps to work through the situation.

Step 1: Write about how this situation is demonstrating your powerlessness and your life's unmanageability.

Step 2: Ask yourself how your higher power can restore you to sanity. My response was that my higher power could help me focus on me.

Step 3: Write an affirmation about how you're now choosing to turn the situation over to your higher power. (Mine was "I now decide to turn my frustration and anxiety over to God.")

Step 4: Write down what character defects are surfacing. For me, it was control and fear of abandonment.

Step 5: Admit your wrongs to God, to yourself, and to another person. I used the exercize the book taught us in Step 5. First, I looked in the mirror and said it out loud to me. Then, I virtually, put God in a chair and said it out loud to God. Then, I told my partner.

Step 6: Write about your willingness or lack thereof to have God remove the character defects that have surfaced. I wrote that I am willing because I do want to stop spinning in response to her feelings and actions.

Step 7: Write a prayer humbly asking God to remove the shortcomings you just identified. Here's mine: God, please help me to keep the focus on me and to take care of myself. Help me to give A time and space to work through her own stuff.

Step 8: Make a list of those you've harmed. Mine was me and A.

Step 9: Describe how you intend to make the amend. What I wrote was that I needed to tell her that I've been getting all enmeshed again. When I told her and showed her my work, she said that she thought that I was supposed to actually amend something. Hmm. Guess I'm working on that living amends thing of changing my behavior.

Step 10: Look back over your work and see if anything else surfaces.

Step 11: Pray or meditate and then write about your higher power's will for you in this situation. I wrote that God wants me to have peace.

Step 12: Write about whether you sensed a spiritual awakening and your understanding of who's in charge, you or God. The book suggests that good indicators of who you see in charge are your attitude and emotions. I wrote that I did sense a spiritual awakening and that God is in charge, because I'm calmer and more focused on me.

This was such a powerful exercize for me. I want to make a little card to carry around with the book's version of this exercize. I'd like to try to remember to practice these principles in all my affairs. This, for me, was a very concrete way of doing that.

Hi, I'm R, and I'm a Lesbian

2008-07-18T10:43:00.004-04:00

I talked about this in therapy yesterday, and then dreamed about it, so I guess it's still a big issue for me.

Last week, we went on vacation with my family. My dad and I went for a walk, and he asked me if I thought that the couples in our family were happy. When I didn't jump in with a yes, he said it wasn't a trick question. He said that he thinks he and my mom, my sister and her husband, and my brother and his wife are pretty happy and that A and I are too. But he said that the rest of them are not as physically demonstrative in public as we are, and he wondered if we were trying to prove a point.

I told him that we didn't realize it had been an issue for him in years, so no, we weren't trying to prove a point. I told him that we are very physically affectionate, but not in a sexual way.

I pointed out that while we were having this conversation, my dad had his arm draped around me, and I wondered aloud if that felt like an uncomfortable display of public affection. My dad sheepishly replied that he somehow felt that the particular moment felt more private to him, which was interesting, since we were on a very public beach boardwalk with LOTS of tourists meandering about.

I challenged him to consider that what felt different about him draping his arm around my shoulders was that he and I are not two females, and that it's his prejudice that raises his antennae when A and I hold hands or cuddle. I then pointed out all the couples around us that were holding hands or touching in some other way, and challenged him to look again in our family to see if my siblings or even my parents touch more than he realizes and he just doesn't notice. He agreed to look at it, and I did NOT agree to stop being affectionate with A around him.

The conversation left me with mixed feelings, and I keep coming back to them. I'm glad that I did not cowtow to his prejudice. I'm glad that he really seemed to hear me. It makes me sad that I still have to fight this battle, in society and in my own family. Next week is Pride in my community. I'm looking forward to holding hands with my partner and not standing out. I'll continue to do so in the presence of my family of origin, and maybe someday we won't stand out there either. So, dad, no, last week I wasn't trying to prove a point, but the next time we're together in your presence, I will be. And I still love you.

Codies AND Addicts: our meeting of 2

2008-07-09T08:14:00.005-04:00

We've been travelling together. Night before last we tried to find meetings and got lost. So, like we did once before, we decided to have our own meeting, this time on the beach. It was really an awesome experience. Somehow, the formality of doing readings, choosing a topic, and not cross talking is really magical for us. Since it's been on my mind a lot lately, I chose the topic of what codies and addicts have in common. I started out sharing some of the stuff I talked about here, but as we went back and forth taking turns, we came up with a lot more. She shared that she thinks that both often come from backgrounds where we didn't get our needs met, though it may be less obvious in a codie's background. We talked about the vulnerability we both share. We talked about the fact that we both have to work the same steps and work through our own character defects. We talked about how for both, it's easier to look at the other person's character defects than to focus on our own. We talked about why the cycle seems to start out for each of us chasing and getting a high from our own behavior but why it ends up going south. She shared that the addict pulls in more and more as he or she is chasing that high, and that the codie chases the addict (our drug of choice). It makes sense to me. It used to work that I'd get all my needs of feeling important and belonging by taking care of her and her wanting to be taken care of. Then, as she isolated more and more with her drugs, I kept trying to pursue to get those good feeling while she was busy trying to withdraw. I wish I hadn't waited two days to post this, b/c there was a lot more that I'm not remembering now. But it was a GREAT meeting! And I'm really grateful.

Acceptance

2008-07-06T15:42:00.002-04:00

MPJ and Indistinct have been blogging about acceptance. I do that "accept, damn you accept" thing that MPJ talks about too. I guess that's what Indistinct would refer to as compliance. But here's what I've learned in my magical meetings about acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean that I like something or even that I agree with it. It just means that I recognize it for what it is and that I recognize that I can't change it, whatever the it that I happen to be struggling with at the time. Once I acknowledge that something is not to my liking but it is what it is and I can't change it,then I free up a lot of energy that I've been wasting in obsessing and/or manipulating. I have energy left now to figure out what I can change- my reaction, a boundary I need to set or a way to refocus my energy.

Codies vs. Addicts

2008-07-03T09:25:00.004-04:00

I've joined a new community, The Junky's Wives Club. There seems to be a thread within a thread in "How do you get better" that I'm really drawn to. I'm obsessing (of course) about the label b/c it looks like an antagonistic us vs. them when I mean it in the compare/contrast kind of way. I mentioned in the other thread that I see my primary addiction as to my addict. And that just like my addict does, I start out engaging in the behavior of my drug of choice (being enmeshed) because it makes me feel good. But then, it takes more and more to give me the high until I no longer get the high, I just have to engage in the behavior.

For me, the flip side is way more complicated. I've been noticing over the last week that the addicts in my community tend to open and close with the "we version" of the serenity prayer- God grant US the serenity... In our naranon circle, we use what the addicts refer to as the "me" version. I do think that both versions are appropriate for the groups that are using them. I think that part of getting healthy for me is learning to focus more on me, figuring out who I am and what I want. I use my addictive behavior to avoid me. My partner tends to isolate in her disease. When she's in her disease, she'd much rather be alone with her pill bottle than interacting with anyone, including me. She gets extremely self absorbed and she can't even see me.

On the surface, it seems that she get's self absorbed in her disease and I get selfless. I've often said that we got waaaay out of balance, and for us to get better, I need to focus more on me and SHE needs to focus more on me. But here's where it gets complicated. My selfless behavior really is SELF LESS. It's not generous and loving. It's disappearing. The more I think about it, our behavior here isn't that different at all. Both of us lose ourselves in our drugs of choice. And as we get healthier, both of us become more available, both to ourselves and each other.

Today's morning pages

2008-04-26T11:54:00.003-04:00

Part of my Artist Way class involves writing morning pages- 3 pages of free writing in the mornings. I'm supposed to hand write it, and being the rule-bound person I can be, I'm sticking to that, at least for now. It's been meaning that I've put less energy into writing here. But today, I think I'll copy what I wrote. It's a lesson I keep learning and relearning. For this moment, I think I've got it. Maybe if I put it here, I can at least reference it. Anyway, here are today's morning pages:

Here's my discovery of the moment. I AM being controlling, even though it's not my intention.

I wanted A to not go to Dr. P. It makes sense to me that I would have big feelings about this. And I'm relieved that she made the decision that she did. But it ain't up to me. What is up to me is what I do to take care of myself. My actions are my choice. Like, I could choose to turn him in to the medical board. Or I could choose to detach myself completely from her medical stuff. Or I could chose to end the relationship if it's just too painful for me. I do have choices, and sometimes they're really yucky choices. But what she decides to do is really not my choice.

So, it's the same with not going to work. It's just not my choice whether she goes to work or not.

My feelings are valid and real. I get triggered when she doesn't go to work. It makes sense to me that I'd get triggered. It's a loss of income for me. It also reminds me of really yucky times and it's often a precurser to more yucks. There's also usually much more to the story- omission- which is another trigger for me, b/c it makes it hard to trust.

I am completely powerless over her choices about whether to go to work or not. I've been trying to control this choice, and it's just not mine. I can't get her up and get her to work and keep her there all day. I can't get inside her body and determine what's really going on.

But I do have choices. I can go on with my life and find ways to fill it. I can separate finances if the money thing becomes too intolerable for me. And again, if she continues to make choices that are too damaging for me, I could choose to end the relationship. I can release her with love and hope that she and her higher power get things under control before they become too much for me. I can put the focus back on me. How am I feeling? What do I need to do to take really good care of myself? What I don't need to do is keep trying to manipulate her into changing. It just doesn't work. It's time to stop trying to fix her and start trying to take care of me.

Here we go again

2008-04-20T01:28:00.003-04:00

My partner brought up the idea again of going back to our former doctor last night. She's actually being very reasonable and accomodating about it and I'm being certifiably crazy. She said that she's ultimately responsible for her medical decisions and that it's her responsiblity to check out what's being prescribed to make sure it's safe for her. She said that she'd like to go together to see the former doc, and that she'd sign a new release allowing me total access to the doctor. IF I didn't trust her, she said I'd have full permission to check things out with him directly. She said that we'd make an agreement up front that she is not to be prescribed narcotics unless it's a last resort. She said that what happened was her fault, since she lied to the doctor and that we didn't give him a fair chance. She said that she really trusts him and that he's a much better doctor than the one we've been going to lately.

Almost all of what she's saying makes sense logically, but I just get completely crazy over the idea of either of us going back to this man. I feel sooooo betrayed by him. Just the idea of him is traumatizing to me at this point. I don't really get why my feelings are sooooooo big around this, but they clearly are.

Yet again, I'm having this huge war within myself. On the one hand,I feel really hurt that she keeps bringing this option up. Every time I get completely triggered and end up a total mess and she tells me she gets it and promises not to go back to him and not to bring it up again, but then she brings it up again and I completely lose it again. At this point, it feels like she keeps retraumatizing me. But then again, I don't want her to keep what she's thinking and feeling from me.

I don't know. It's late. I'm a mess.

Angry

2008-04-18T16:47:00.003-04:00

I'm finding myself angrier and angrier at the doctor who prescribed my partner's latest relapse. My partner holds some resposibility. She took the pills, she didn't double check about whether they were narcotics, she took more than prescribed, and she lied about it. But, on the other hand, my program says that the addict has lost all power of choice once they've taken the first drink, pill, or fix. It makes sense that she didn't take them as prescribed and that she lied about it. And she really did try NOT to put herself in that situation in the first place.

Here's what I've read about Tramadol (not Topomax, as I wrongly said first.)It specifically says not to give it to addicts or people at risk for suicide. Says that overdose can cause death within an hour and that there are withdrawal symptoms. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN!!!!!

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
next »
Ultram ER
Warnings & Precautions
font size
A
A
A
WARNINGS
Seizure Risk
Seizures have been reported in patients receiving tramadol within the recommended dosage range. Spontaneous post-marketing reports indicate that seizure risk is increased with doses of tramadol above the recommended range. Concomitant use of tramadol increases the seizure risk in patients taking:

Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRI antidepressants or anorectics),
Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), and other tricyclic compounds (e.g., cyclobenzaprine, promethazine, etc.), or
Other opioids.
Administration of tramadol may enhance the seizure risk in patients taking:

MAO inhibitors (see also WARNINGS - Use with MAO Inhibitors),
Neuroleptics, or
Other drugs that reduce the seizure threshold.
Risk of convulsions may also increase in patients with epilepsy, those with a history of seizures, or in patients with a recognized risk for seizure (such as head trauma, metabolic disorders, alcohol and drug withdrawal, CNS infections). In tramadol overdose, naloxone administration may increase the risk of seizure.

Suicide Risk
Do not prescribe ULTRAM ER for patients who are suicidal or addiction-prone.
Prescribe ULTRAM ER with caution for patients taking tranquilizers or antidepressant drugs and patients who use alcohol in excess.
Tell your patients not to exceed the recommended dose and to limit their intake of alcohol.
Tramadol products in excessive doses, either alone or in combination with other CNS depressants, including alcohol, are a major cause of drug-related deaths. Fatalities within the first hour of overdosage are not uncommon. Tramadol should not be taken in doses higher than those recommended by the physician. The judicious prescribing of tramadol is essential to the safe use of this drug. With patients who are depressed or suicidal, consideration should be given to the use of non-narcotic analgesics. Patients should be cautioned about the concomitant use of tramadol products and alcohol because of potentially serious CNS-additive effects of these agents. Because of its added depressant effects, tramadol should be prescribed with caution for those patients whose medical condition requires the concomitant administration of sedatives, tranquilizers, muscle relaxants, antidepressants, or other CNS-depressant drugs. Patients should be advised of the additive depressant effects of these combinations.

Many of the tramadol-related deaths have occurred in patients with previous histories of emotional disturbances or suicidal ideation or attempts as well as histories of misuse of tranquilizers, alcohol, and other CNS-active drugs. Some deaths have occurred as a consequence of the accidental ingestion of excessive quantities of tramadol alone or in combination with other drugs. Patients taking tramadol should be warned not to exceed the dose recommended by their physician.

Anaphylactoid Reactions
Serious and rarely fatal anaphylactoid reactions have been reported in patients receiving therapy with tramadol. When these events do occur it is often following the first dose. Other reported allergic reactions include pruritus, hives, bronchospasm, angioedema, toxic epidermal necrolysis and Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Patients with a history of anaphylactoid reactions to codeine and other opioids may be at increased risk and therefore should not receive ULTRAM ER (see CONTRAINDICATIONS).

Respiratory Depression
Administer ULTRAM ER cautiously in patients at risk for respiratory depression. In these patients alternative non-opioid analgesics should be considered. When large doses of tramadol are administered with anesthetic medications or alcohol, respiratory depression may result. Respiratory depression should be treated as an overdose. If naloxone is to be administered, use cautiously because it may precipitate seizures (see WARNINGS Seizure Risk and OVERDOSE).

Interaction With Central Nervous System (CNS) Depressants
ULTRAM ER should be used with caution and in reduced dosages when administered to patients receiving CNS depressants such as alcohol, opioids, anesthetic agents, narcotics, phenothiazines, tranquilizers or sedative hypnotics. ULTRAM ER increases the risk of CNS and respiratory depression in these patients.

Increased Intracranial Pressure or Head Trauma
ULTRAM ER should be used with caution in patients with increased intracranial pressure or head injury. The respiratory depressant effects of opioids include carbon dioxide retention and secondary elevation of cerebrospinal fluid pressure, and may be markedly exaggerated in these patients. Additionally, pupillary changes (miosis) from tramadol may obscure the existence, extent, or course of intracranial pathology. Clinicians should also maintain a high index of suspicion for adverse drug reaction when evaluating altered mental status in these patients if they are receiving ULTRAM ER. (See WARNINGS - Respiratory Depression.)

Use in Ambulatory Patients
ULTRAM ER may impair the mental and or physical abilities required for the performance of potentially hazardous tasks such as driving a car or operating machinery. The patient using this drug should be cautioned accordingly.

Use With MAO Inhibitors and Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors
Use ULTRAM ER with great caution in patients taking monoamine oxidase inhibitors. Animal studies have shown increased deaths with combined administration. Concomitant use of ULTRAM ER with MAO inhibitors or SSRIs increases the risk of adverse events, including seizure and serotonin syndrome.

Withdrawal
Withdrawal symptoms may occur if ULTRAM ER is discontinued abruptly. These symptoms may include: anxiety, sweating, insomnia, rigors, pain, nausea, tremors, diarrhea, upper respiratory symptoms, piloerection, and rarely hallucinations. Clinical experience suggests that withdrawal symptoms may be reduced by tapering ULTRAM ER.

Misuse, Abuse and Diversion of Opioids
Tramadol is an opioid agonist of the morphine-type. Such drugs are sought by drug abusers and people with addiction disorders and are subject to criminal diversion.

Tramadol can be abused in a manner similar to other opioid agonists, legal or illicit. This should be considered when prescribing or dispensing ULTRAM ER in situations where the physician or pharmacist is concerned about an increased risk of misuse, abuse, or diversion.

ULTRAM ER could be abused by crushing, chewing, snorting, or injecting the dissolved product. These practices will result in the uncontrolled delivery of the opioid and pose a significant risk to the abuser that could result in overdose and death (see WARNINGS and Drug Abuse And Addiction).

Concerns about abuse, addiction, and diversion should not prevent the proper management of pain. The development of addiction to opioid analgesics in properly managed patients with pain has been reported to be rare. However, data are not available to establish the true incidence of addiction in chronic pain patients.

Healthcare professionals should contact their State Professional Licensing Board, or State Controlled Substances Authority for information on how to prevent and detect abuse or diversion of this product.

Interactions with Alcohol and Drugs of Abuse
Tramadol may be expected to have additive effects when used in conjunction with alcohol, other opioids, or illicit drugs that cause central nervous system depression.

Drug Abuse And Addiction
ULTRAM® ER is a mu-agonist opioid. Tramadol, like other opioids used in analgesia, can be abused and is subject to criminal diversion.

Drug addiction is characterized by compulsive use, use for non-medical purposes, and continued use despite harm or risk of harm. Drug addiction is a treatable disease, utilizing a multi-disciplinary approach, but relapse is common.

“Drug-seeking” behavior is very common in addicts and drug abusers. Drug-seeking tactics include emergency calls or visits near the end of office hours, refusal to undergo appropriate examination, testing or referral, repeated “loss” of prescriptions, tampering with prescriptions and reluctance to provide prior medical records or contact information for other treating physician(s). “Doctor shopping” to obtain additional prescriptions is common among drug abusers and people suffering from untreated addiction.

Abuse and addiction are separate and distinct from physical dependence and tolerance. Physicians should be aware that addiction may not be accompanied by concurrent tolerance and symptoms of physical dependence in all addicts. In addition, abuse of opioids can occur in the absence of true addiction and is characterized by misuse for non-medical purposes, often in combination with other psychoactive substances. ULTRAM ER, like other opioids, may be diverted for non-medical use. Careful record- keeping of prescribing information, including quantity, frequency, and renewal requests is strongly advised.

Proper assessment of the patient, proper prescribing practices, periodic re-evaluation of therapy, and proper dispensing and storage are appropriate measures that help to limit abuse of opioid drugs.

ULTRAM ER is intended for oral use only. The crushed tablet poses a hazard of overdose and death. This risk is increased with concurrent abuse of alcohol and other substances. With parenteral abuse, the tablet excipients can be expected to result in local tissue necrosis, infection, pulmonary granulomas, and increased risk of endocarditis and valvular heart injury. Parenteral drug abuse is commonly associated with transmission of infectious diseases such as hepatitis and HIV.

Risk of Overdosage
Serious potential consequences of overdosage with ULTRAM ER are central nervous system depression, respiratory depression and death. In treating an overdose, primary attention should be given to maintaining adequate ventilation along with general supportive treatment (see OVERDOSE).

Use in Renal and Hepatic Disease
Impaired renal function results in a decreased rate and extent of excretion of tramadol and its active metabolite, M1. ULTRAM ER has not been studied in patients with severe renal impairment (CLcr < 30 mL/min). The limited availability of dose strengths and once daily dosing of ULTRAM ER do not permit the dosing flexibility required for safe use in patients with severe renal impairment. Therefore, ULTRAM ER should not be used in patients with severe renal impairment (see CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY and DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION). Metabolism of tramadol and M1 is reduced in patients with advanced cirrhosis of the liver. The pharmacokinetics of ULTRAM ER has not been studied in patients with severe hepatic impairment. The limited availability of dose strengths and once daily dosing of ULTRAM ER do not permit the dosing flexibility required for safe use in patients with severe hepatic impairment. Therefore, ULTRAM ER should not be used in patients with severe hepatic impairment (see CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY and DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION).

PRECAUTIONS
Acute Abdominal Condition
The administration of ULTRAM ER may complicate the clinical assessment of patients with acute abdominal conditions.

Use in Drug and Alcohol Addiction
ULTRAM ER is an opioid with no approved use in the management of addictive disorders. Its proper usage in individuals with drug or alcohol dependence, either active or in remission, is for the management of pain requiring opioid analgesia.

Carcinogenesis, Mutagenesis,Impairment Of Fertility
No carcinogenic effect of tramadol was observed in p53(+/–)-heterozygous mice at oral doses up to 150 mg/kg/day (approximately 2-fold maximum daily human dose [MDHD] of 400 mg/day for a 60 kg adult based on body surface conversion) for 26 weeks and in rats at oral doses up to 75 mg/kg/day for males and 100 mg/kg/day for females (approximately 2-fold MDHD) for two years. However, the excessive decrease in body weight gain observed in the rat study might have reduced their sensitivity to any potential carcinogenic effect of the drug.

Tramadol was not mutagenic in the following assays: a bacterial reverse mutation assay using Salmonella and E. coli, a mouse lymphoma assay (in the absence of metabolic activation), and a bone marrow micronucleus test in mice. Mutagenic results occurred in the presence of metabolic activation in the mouse lymphoma assay. Overall, the weight of evidence from these tests indicates that tramadol does not pose a genotoxic risk to humans.

No effects on fertility were observed for tramadol at oral dose levels up to 50 mg/kg/day in male and female rats (approximately equivalent to MDHD).

Pregnancy
Teratogenic Effects: Pregnancy Category C
Tramadol was not teratogenic at oral dose levels up to 50 mg/kg/day (approximately equivalent to MDHD) in rats and 100 mg/kg (approximately 5-fold MDHD) in rabbits during organogenesis. However, embryo-fetal lethality, reductions in fetal weight and skeletal ossification, and increased supernumerary ribs were observed at a maternal toxic dose of 140 mg/kg in mice (approximately 2-fold MDHD), 80 mg/kg in rats (2-fold MDHD) or 300 mg/kg in rabbits (approximately 15-fold MDHD).

Non-teratogenic Effects
Tramadol caused a reduction in neonatal body weight and survival at an oral dose of 80 mg/kg (approximately 2-fold MDHD) when rats were treated during late gestation throughout lactation period.

There are no adequate and well-controlled studies in pregnant women. ULTRAM ER should be used during pregnancy only if the potential benefit justifies the potential risk to the fetus. Neonatal seizures, neonatal withdrawal syndrome, fetal death and still birth have been reported during post-marketing reports with tramadol HCl immediate-release products.

Labor and Delivery
ULTRAM ER should not be used in pregnant women prior to or during labor unless the potential benefits outweigh the risks. Safe use in pregnancy has not been established. Chronic use during pregnancy may lead to physical dependence and post-partum withdrawal symptoms in the newborn (see Drug Abuse And Addiction). Tramadol has been shown to cross the placenta. The mean ratio of serum tramadol in the umbilical veins compared to maternal veins was 0.83 for 40 women treated with tramadol HCl during labor.

The effect of ULTRAM ER, if any, on the later growth, development, and functional maturation of the child is unknown.

Nursing Mothers
ULTRAM ER is not recommended for obstetrical preoperative medication or for post- delivery analgesia in nursing mothers because its safety in infants and newborns has not been studied. Following a single IV 100-mg dose of tramadol, the cumulative excretion in breast milk within sixteen hours postdose was 100 µg of tramadol (0.1% of the maternal dose) and 27 µg of M1.

Pediatric Use
The safety and efficacy of ULTRAM ER in patients under 18 years of age have not been established. The use of ULTRAM ER in the pediatric population is not recommended.

Geriatric Use
Nine-hundred-one elderly (65 years of age or older) subjects were exposed to ULTRAM ER in clinical trials. Of those subjects, 156 were 75 years of age and older. In general, higher incidence rates of adverse events were observed for patients older than 65 years of age compared with patients 65 years and younger, particularly for the following adverse events: constipation, fatigue, weakness, postural hypotension and dyspepsia. For this reason, ULTRAM ER should be used with great caution in patients older than 75 years of age (see CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY and DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION).

Brand Name: Ultram ER
Generic Name: Tramadol HCl Extended-Release
Next: Ultram ER - Overdosage & Contraindications »
« Previous: Ultram ER - Side Effects & Drug Interactions

Relapse?

2008-04-15T23:06:00.003-04:00

About a month ago, my partner went to our doctor complaining of headaches, and the doc asked if she needed her to prescribe something for the pain. She refused, and told me about it later. She said she was surprised that the doc would suggest pain meds when she knows that's her drug of choice.

Then, Friday, she went back to the doctor with chest pains. I asked her to ask the doc about the last incident, and she did. The doctor told her that she would have prescribed a non-narcotic. THEN, the doctor offered to write her a scrip for the chest pain, which is apparently the result of an enlarged chest cavity, but NOT heart related. She went home with a prescription for Topomax.

That night, I went researching Topomax, and found out that it's an Opiod, which is the same thing as the Suboxone she had such a hard time coming off of. What I read said that it works the same way and that it can be addictive. So, of course, I started obsessing. I told her what my concerns were, like the difficulty she'd had coming off of her last opiod and the possiblity that taking this would "wake her tiger", and then I really let it go.

Today, she left work early to go home for her pain pills, and then was going to drive to therapy. I asked if she was supposed to drive while taking them. She said that she was supposed to wait to see how they affected her before driving. I told her that impaired people usually don't realize that they're impaired and she decided to go home.

I went to our couple appointment alone. The therapist was concerned about her having the prescription, and suggested that I hold the medication for her and suggest that she talk to her sponsor and her other therapist, who works in drug treatment. He also told me to ask her to count the pills with me. When I told her what the therapist said, she first said that his advice was bad for me because it was feeding my codependency. Then she told me that she has taken more than the prescribed dosage for the last 3 days, by taking 3 pills in the morning instead of 2. She said that she might as well go out and drink, b/c she was gonna have to pick up a white chip. She went through all kinds of rationalization with herself about whether or not it was a relapse, and told me that she knew she was rationalizing. I mostly just let her talk and reflected back for her.

She told me that she would talk to her sponsor, but that she wasn't willing to let me hold the pills. I told her that I'd need to talk to my sponsor and figure out what I needed to do to take care of myself, but that probably I'd find somewhere else to spend the night if she wanted to keep the pills and I'd see her tomorrow. I told her that I could live with one of 3 options- either I'd hold the pills for her and we could talk to her therapist tomorrow or she could call the therapist tonight or I'd find somewhere else to stay the night and she could keep the pills.

The confusing part for me is that she's actually right. Me being involved in her pills is a dangerous place for me to be with MY disease. But the therapist was right, too. I really didn't think that she was already taking more than prescribed, and if I hadn't followed his suggestion, I wouldn't have known about it and it probably would have escalated.

I don't know. Are any or all of us (me/partner/therapist) making a bigger deal of this than it really is? Or are any or all of us minimizing and rationalizing, and it's really a bigger deal? Should I worry about yet another doctor feeding her addiction? Right now, I feel pretty good about where we are with it for now. Stay tuned.

The end of my reading diet

2008-03-29T10:17:00.003-04:00

Today I'm officially going off of my diet. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did do it. I guess it was an exercize in progress, not perfection. There were some gifts along the way. Like when I had agreed to meet a friend in a bookstore before I knew that I'd be on a reading diet. I walked around looking at peoople instead of books, and I saw a little girl who had found a book shaped like a treasure box. She was thrilled, and told her mother that she found treasure! Cute. I didn't do all the things I thought I'd get done when I wasn't reading. I didn't connect with people in the way that I planned. If you didn't get a phone call from me, know that I didn't call anyone else either. Overall, I'm glad for the experience, and now I'm glad I'm done. Now it's off to read my friends' blogs and then I'm going to the library.

Obsessing

2008-03-26T03:42:00.002-04:00

3:30 am, and I'm obsessing about narcotics. I had oral surgery yesterday, which meant a prescription for narcotic pain medicine, my partner's drug of choice. I obsessed over whether to have the scrip filled, whether to discuss it with her, and what to do with the meds. I decided to fill it, not to discuss it but not to lie about it either. I won't say where I'm keeping it, in case she's found her way here.

Now I'm obsessing over what to do with the leftovers. I know that really, my only option is to trash them. I need to let go of them physically, and then I need to let go of the resentment that goes along with having no option except to trash them. I don't like the feelings that this is bringing up for me. I keep fighting with myself over putting my ugly feelings out there. My partner didn't choose this disease of addiction. If/when I find myself in pain again, I can go to the doctor and get another prescription. Throwing away a $10 bottle is really not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal to me. I'm just making myself crazier here, so I'm going to stop and try something else.

My Own F#%*ing Hallmark Card

2008-03-23T23:49:00.002-04:00

One of my tasks for the Artist's Way has been to go on an Artist's Date once a week. It doesn't really matter what I do, but I only take me. Wednesday, I was having a particularly hard day, and I decided to take me to the Hallmark store, and buy myself my own hallmark card.

Part of the backstory is that A had shared a story about stomping on somebody's boundaries in a group she was participating in, literally, by stomping on something the other person had made with clay. She decided to make amends by making a similar item out of clay and by buying her a hallmark card as an apology. She took me with her to pick out the hallmark card. Meanwhile, she'd been trouncing all over my boundaries, too, and I expressed to somebody else that I want a fucking hallmark card. Of course, I didn't tell A that she'd trounced my boundaries, let alone that I'd have appreciated getting my own card.

Anyway, fast forward to Wednesday, when my boundaries had been repeatedly trounced, which had resulted in my screaming, and I still wasn't getting my needs met. I decided to go to the Hallmark store and pick out a card from me to me. Here's what it said:

I have a right to be accepted just as I am. I have a right to be heard, because I matter. I have a right to be respected, because I deserve it. I have a right to be loved...... And you are.

And here's what I wrote inside:

Dear me,

You do have a right to be accepted. And I accept all of you and your perfectly imperfect self. You do have a right to be heard. And I will listen to you. And I will hear you. And I will give you a voice, even when it's hard. Because you DO MATTER!! You do have a right to be respected. And I will respect you. And I will stand up for you. And I will stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Because I do deserve more. I have a right to be loved. And Iam. And I'll do a better job of loving me. I'm really, really good at unconditional love, except where you're concerned. So I'm truly sorry for not taking good care of you. And I intend to amend that behavior. I love you, (insert name here), forever. NO MATTER WHAT!!! Love, me.

I SCREAMED

2008-03-23T23:44:00.002-04:00

It was a week ago today that I screamed, and my voice is still broken. I almost never raise my voice and I don't think I've ever screamed like this. I'd tried all the tools in my toolbox and I still wasn't being heard. I'd been being rational in the face of irrationality and I'd pushed me down and down and down, hoping that eventually I'd get a turn and I'd be heard, but nothing was working. So I screamed. I wish I could say that it worked, and that I got what I needed. It was 3 days after that that I finally felt like I was heard by my significant other. But here's the amazing part. I was apparently heard by ME. Go figure. And good stuff has come from that.

Declaring my Intention: Reading Diet

2008-03-22T20:09:00.001-04:00

Given the fact that many of you are like me who assumes when somebody disappears that I did something to make them go, I am declaring my intention.

Some of you may know that along with my 36 steps, I've now picked up a tradition study (thank you, Scout) and now a group book study of The Artist's Way. Our task this week is to go on a 1 week reading deprivation. I'm not willing to do a total deprivation, but I will try to do a week's worth of Reading Diet. I'm supposed to spend a week not reading anything. That's supposed to include the newspaper, work or school related readings. I guess the concept is that I'm supposed to free up time and fill it creatively. My intention is to give up reading blogs for a week along with books and any other print. I'm not planning on giving up email, so you can reach me that way if you want. I hope I'm going to increase my writing during this time, so hopefully you'll see me return to writing here. Since I'm choosing not to give up email, I'll get comments and I'll write back if I know your email addy. (Look at me, breaking a rule. JW, are ya proud?) I'd like to spend more time on the phone this week, so if I have your phone number, don't be surprised if you get a call this week.

more truth about lying

2008-02-25T20:08:00.002-05:00

So I went to write today and realized that the last time I wrote I was struggling with the same exact issue that I'm struggling with today. Today, my partner was again too sick to go to work but not too sick to go to therapy. But today, we both handled it better. I owned my feelings with her and then let them go. And she came home tonight and apologized to me. She told me that she did have a stomachache this morning but that she wasn't too sick to go to work. She also acknowledged that she'd lied to me last night when she told me she had rememembered a promise she'd made to me. Her therapist had worked through a relapse symptoms list with her, and she asked me to fill it out too. She owned her shit. She said that she's not using, but that she's just hanging on. And then she talked to me about the effects that she imagined her behaviors were having on me. She told me that she imagined I was feeling unimportant and unloved. All of this came without prompting from me. Then she took herself to a meeting.

It helps when she comes to me in honesty. It helps that she's writing her own relapse prevention plan. It helps that she took herself to a meeting. It helps that she's acknowledging the effects of her behavior on me.

Here's the scary of today. Part of her plan includes whether she's willing to go to treatment if she does end up relapsing. She has told me that she's jealous of people who got to go to inpatient treatment. For her, it's not a deterrent, it's an attraction. I've already got dollar signs and being left home with all the responsibilities in my head. Am I projecting? Yep. Is it realistic? Prolly. Is there anything I can do? Nope.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

It's NOT about ME??????

2008-02-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

Jay got me thinking today, with her post, It's Not About Me. Her post was about reproductive rights and parental notification laws. She spoke beautifully (as always) about wanting to be the mother that her daughter would come to, but that it's more important that her daughter get what she needs in the way of information, birth control, and if it comes to it, abortion, whether or not she feels safe confiding in her mother. She also wanted to make sure that her daughter receives nurturing and emotional support, even if that support doesn't come from Jay.

Like I said, it got me thinking. A dear friend is struggling right now, and happens to be geographically with her family, who is not aware of her struggles. The issue has nothing to do with reproduction, but Jay's message of "it's not about me(the mom)" is well taken. My friend and I talked a bit about it last night. She said that she wished she could get nurturing from her mom around this issue, but she can't because her mom doesn't know anything about it. I asked her who she was trying to protect, herself or her mom. She said both. I told her that if I were her mom, and I got a vote, I'd prefer NOT to be protected but rather to be included in my daughter's life. I believe that to be true for any mom. But here's the part I'm not sure I expressed strongly enough, that Jay said so eloquently. Friend, it's not about your mom. Do whatever you need to do to take care of you. If that means working through the mess to let your mom in, do that. If that means finding other places to get your nurturing, do that. I know that you're going to do whatever you're going to do regardless of what I say. I'm just not sure that I said loudly enough that I support you and I'm here for you, whatever you decide.

Meanwhile, there's another struggle that's harder for me, b/c the struggle is about whether it IS about me. My partner is working through some really hard stuff right now. For her, the physical and emotional often get tied together. Yesterday, she decided that she was too sick to go to work. Actually, she mentioned to me that she was running late, she started to go to work, and she turned around outside the neighborhood and came home. In the afternoon, she decided that she wasn't too sick to go to therapy, and spent over 4 hours between driving and being there. Then, she decided she was too sick to go to a party we'd been looking forward to going to together with friends in recovery.

OK, here's what IS about me. My feelings are about me. They can be (and are) messy, but they're mine. I feel scared when she doesn't go to work. I feel distrusting, when I don't know if I'm getting the whole story. My imagining is that if she hadn't been running late, she wouldn't have turned around to come home. I have conflicted feelings about her going to therapy. On the one hand, I'm really glad she pushed herself to go, b/c the more she takes care of herself, the better we are. And we really ARE better lately, even when she's going through hard stuff. I feel unimportant when she'll push through to go to her own therapy when she's sick, but cancels when she decides she's too sick or even when she decides I'm too sick to go to ours. I have conflicted feelings about the party too. On the one hand, I'm glad she was honest and said that she didn't want to go rather than NOT expressing it. On the other hand, she is so often sick when it's time for us to do something together that we've been planning. And I'm feeling scared, b/c we're planning a HUGE expensive trip together soon, and she's cancelled a few big expensive trips at the last minute b/c of illness. I'm also feeling selfish and ungrateful for even feeling these feelings. And I'm feeling confused about whether to express them.

Where I started with this part of this post, before I let myself get all bogged down in my own feelings, was with thinking about "it's not about me." I do get all self-absorbed. She's going through some hard stuff. And her hard stuff really is NOT about me. Hmmm. Maybe I'll go call my sponsor.

Gratitude: or It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

2008-02-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

So, ever since I wrote that last post, things have been soooooooo much better. My partner has been so present and so wise lately. Before I talked to her about what the issues actually were, I told her that I felt like I was getting these confusing signs that I didn't know how to read. She said that it just meant I didn't have an answer, YET. Then, when I told her that one of the things I was struggling with was that this 12 tradition stuff really seemed so higher powered, she reminded me of a friend who thought God had given her an answer when it really was just something SHE really wanted.

We worked through some really big stuff together. We agreed that we both want to foster, but that there are some things we need to do first, including working on our communication. She also suggested a safety plan- coming up in advance with things that might trigger us and plan for how to deal with them. It's a GREAT idea, and it's hers. Yay!!!!

As for the communication piece, I decided that it didn't so much matter HOW we work on it as much as THAT we work on it. I relaxed some on the tradition work. I figured out some other ways that it might be higher powered. Like the idea that I could share them with others in recovery even if we're not using them right now. As soon as I relaxed on the subject, she decided she was in. Funny how that works. Funny that I can never remember when I'm feeling desperate that desperate never works for me. Letting go always does. I know this. You'd think I'd be better by now at applying it. Oh well, progress, not perfecttion, right?

Meanwhile, other things in the relationship have been awesome. We both offered each other restoration gifts. Hers to me was a pedicure. It was a wonderful thing. When she was done, she told me to just enjoy the feeling and reminded me that I didn't have to do anything to earn that, I get it just because I'm me. That was even better than the pedicure. Then, she took me out on a date to see a chick flick. And she's just been soooo present in the relationship.

This weekend, I've been truly blessed. I don't know if it's because I finally let go and was in a better place, because she worked through some stuff at work and is feeling less stressed, because she just had a medication change and the meds are working, or the whole thing's random or higher powered. I don't know. But I know I'm appreciating where I am and where we are today.

Signs, Signs Everywhere, but they don't seem to be in my language

2008-02-01T17:05:00.000-05:00

I keep getting what feel like signs from my HP. I have been trying to connect more, lately, and I am trying to get out of the way and do what is my HP's will. But I can't tell what's my will and what's God's, and I can interpret all of these signs both ways.

First, there's this 12 Traditions in Relationships thing that Scout recently shared with me. It was right at a time when I was struggling with my therapist telling me to decide what are my non-negotiables in my relationship and I was looking for a 3rd option between doormat and get-the-hell-out. It really felt higher powered, a way we can work through conflict TOGETHER. Maybe it's coming. Maybe I'm just being impatient. Or maybe it's not coming and I'm being told that there IS no door #3.

Meanwhile,I keep bumping into the dilemma of whether we can foster parent together. Opportunities keep coming up, and it's killing me, b/c it's what I want more than anything, but I KNOW that we're not ready today, and I'm scared that we won't ever be ready. My therapist and I agreed yesterday that I'd talk to my partner about setting a time limit where we won't even consider taking any placements. It's just too hard for me right now. It's like I get tantalized and crushed every time the issue comes up. I'm the one that keeps saying we're not ready. I know that I can do it and do it well. I also know that WE can't. At least not today. I don't think it would be healthy for her, for us, or for a kid right now. My therapist thinks that because of my partner's history, she might never be in a place where it will be ok. That's really scary to me.

And I keep bumping into all these signs. Today, a colleague came to visit me at work. The last time we'd really talked, she was in the process of doing a foreign adoption. I asked her about it today, and she told me she stopped the process. She said that she was about to get a child, and she got into a relationship with a man who had kids and didn't want more. She said that her partner, who is NOW her husband, finally agreed that he was willing. Then she had to search her heart, and she decided that she wasn't sure she was going in with pure intention, so she backed out. She said that she was afraid, and that she sometimes wonders if when her time comes, she'll be confronted with the choices she didn't make out of fear and her missed opportunities. I could interpret this for me in two completely different ways.

Then, when I got home this afternoon, there was a message from the biological mother of 2 of my former foster kids. She had lost touch with both of them and was asking me for contact information.

Then, in my super secret society, someone left this message about not having kids of her own and stealing other people's kids. I just feel like I keep bumping up against this issue,. It's like I keep seeing the signs, but I can't read the language.

Don't Be Alone, Use the Phone

2008-01-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

I used to call the way we end our live naranon meetings ("don't be alone, use the phone") the great lie of naranon. Everybody was willing to accept naranon calls, but nobody, including me, was willing to make them.

I've been actively practicing the tool of using the phone recently, and it's come through for me in a big way this week. At first, I'd call people and tell them I was just practicing. I announced in a meeting last week that I intended to call the people in my 12-step writing group, and I did. One of my friends in the writing workshop and I have taken to calling each other at least a few times a week. Then, Monday, when I was having a rough night, I started using my phone list. When one person wasn't available, I called another. The person I ended up talking to was not someone I call regularly, but she was incredibly helpful. Today, she called and left a warm hug on my voicemail. Then, when I didn't make a 3rd meeting in a row this week, my sponsor called, just to check on me. Yep, it works when you work it.

Owning her shit

2008-01-23T20:01:00.000-05:00

My sponsor suggests high gratitude and low expectations all the time. Today, I got another gift. My partner told me that she'd had an epiphany last night, and that she'd realized that she could have told me she was with her sponsor yesterday, that she doesn't know why she plays those headgames with me, that she knows it's inconsiderate, and that she's sorry. It felt really validating for her to say that. I didn't even tantrum or whine to get that particular gift.

I guess the feeling I had was hopeful. But then, hopeful comes with expectations. And expectations, so I'm told, are premeditated resentments. OK, me, stick to gratitude. Just for today.

powerlessness and confusion

2008-01-22T19:43:00.000-05:00

There's this behavior that she does that makes me crazy. What she does hurts her physically in the moment. It hurts me emotionally over the long haul, as long as I allow it to, I guess. I know it's not about me. I know my reaction makes it worse. I have huge feelings around it though, and telling myself that I shouldn't have the feelings doesn't make them go away.

I know in my head that nothing I do or don't do is going to make her stop. I have these thoughts that she shouldn't do this behavior, because she knows it hurts me. If she really loved me, she'd stop. I know the thoughts aren't rational.

Last night, I used my tools. I called friends in recovery. One told me to pray for her, pray for me, read my literature, and do something for me. I decided to take a bath. I went looking for matches to light candles, and found Codependency literature instead. It was good stuff, and stuff I needed to read. That keeps happening lately.

Tonight, the reminders were still there, in my face, and so were the feelings and the irrational thoughts. She asked me if I was mad. I told her I'm not mad. I also told her that it really doesn't matter what I feel. What I do feel, though, is hopeless and helpless. It's not about me. It affects me. I have absolutely NO power to change it. Yuck!!!

Another friend in recovery reminded me that I keep getting lessons when I choose not to get them the first time. I know that's true. But, going back to my God struggle, I can't believe that God would choose to make either one or both of us hurt because I'm not learning a lesson fast enough.

This muddle isn't getting any clearer through writing, so I'm just gonna stop.

God of my lack of understanding

2008-01-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

I'm working Step 7, and one thing that tripped me up for a minute is my lack of understanding of God. In step 2, I was able to come to believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in the power of the 12 step program. I see it work and I know it works for me. I believe in the power of the people in the program reaching out and supporting each other. I believe in the power of belief, regardless of what the particular belief is. I believe that believing in whatever an individual believes in makes the individual better and stronger. In step 3, I did an exercize that really worked for me. I listed the people in my life over the years and the gifts that each one gave to me. Then I wrote a list of all of those gifts, and and did a meditation on all of these gifts as a kaleidoscope of gifts all coming from my higher power. I've done that exercize twice now over the years when working the steps, and it works for me. I even did a dialogue with the God of my lack of understanding, and while I can't say I understood, I know good things came of it. In step 5, I admitted to the God of my lack of understanding the exact nature of my wrongs. Again, I used the exercize of the workbook I'm using. I said it out loud. Then I looked in the mirror and said it out loud again to myself. Step 6 took a while, but I became entirely ready to have my character defects removed. I can't say I'm understanding God any better, but I trust the process.

I don't believe that everything is preordained. I don't believe that God makes every decision. I don't believe that God chooses evil and that there's some purpose for everything, that terrible things happen in order for some good to come. I DO believe that everything, even the terrible stuff that does happen, can lead to growth and that good things can come. I don't believe that if I pray right, then I'll get right answers. I do believe that whatever comes can be to my highest good. I can and do see gifts when I look for them. I got an amazing spiritual gift of another recovery tool yesterday when I really needed it.

All of that makes that prayer thing confusing for me. But yet again, I'm acting as if. Last night, and again this morning in the shower, I prayed, out loud, for God to remove all of my defects of character. I listed each one I know of, and I asked for help identifying those I haven't figured out yet. I guess, yet again, I'm coming to believe that I don't have to understand.

So much to say

2008-01-19T11:10:00.001-05:00

that I get overwhelmed and say nothing. Hmm, my relationship gets like that sometimes.

I've been blessed.

2008-01-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

I've been blessed by Jay, with the blessings of thoughtfulness (both in the sense of being full of thought and in the sense of caring,) friendship, reciprocity (I hope,) and the blessing below:

The idea.... it’s a game of tag with a difference, rather than looking inwardly, we look outside ourselves and bless, praise and pray for one blog friend. By participating in this endeavour we not only make the recipient of the blessing feel valued and appreciated, but we are having some fun too. We’re going to see how far the bloggin’ blessings can travel around the world and how many people can be blessed! Recipients of a bloggin’ blessing may upload the above image to their sidebar if they choose to. If you recieve a bloggin’ blessin’ please leave a comment on this thread here so that we can rejoice in just how many blessings have been sent around the world!

I bless…. Scout, JW, and Mantra

I bless Scout because she IS a blessing to me and because it seems she could use a blessing these days.

I bless JW because she introduced me to my virtual recovery world and because she walks with me in my real recovery world, because she's my sister and my friend.

I bless Mantra because though we've never met in real life, she's there for me in ways people I see every day are not, and because she challenges me to stretch in so many ways.

My prayer for each of you is the "we" version of the serenity prayer. God, Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And for Scouter, a second prayer, the Mi She Berach, the Jewish prayer of healing, which you can hear here.

+++

and that’s it, nearly…

So, all Scout, JW, and Mantra now have to do is to;

a) bless 3 blog buddies each.
b) Include the ‘God Bless you’ image in their post.
c) Explain briefly why they are blessing the people they are blessing.
d) pray/include in the post the prayer for the recipients of the blessing.
e)The recipient/sender of a blessing should type in the com box of this very post that a blessing has been sent to them so we can keep track of how many blessings are being given.

P.S. MPJ, consider yourself blessed too. Moonmaid just beat me to it. I don't want to be responsible for any codiexplosions. I bless you, MPJ, because you made it possible to cross from virtual to real friendship, and because you're my loyalest (yep, I said loyalist) reader and commenter and because you've blessed me with awards that I haven't figured out how to post on my site, and because I believe that you're not pantydancing. You love me. You really love me.

P.P.S. Blessings back atcha Jay. See above.

My word

2008-01-01T09:35:00.001-05:00

Questionair and MPJ have been sharing about picking a word to focus on for the year. After thinking about it for a bit (and codiexploding at midnight last night) I've decided that my word is self-care. I am responsible for my codiexplosion last night. I spent the day feeling unimportant. I had all kinds of reasons that were all about how I was interpreting my partner's behaviors of the day as rejections of me. Instead of taking care of myself by sharing how I was feeling and expressing my own desires, I kept pushing the feeling down and finding more and more reason to feel unimportant. By midnight, my partner had misjudged the time and was in the bathroom and I was laying in bed working hard at not feeling what I was feeling. Of course we all know how well that works. So I started my new year off exactly the way I didn't want to, and I know it was my doing. I tried asking for a do-over. But by then, she wasn't feeling well, I'd already sobbed about how unimportant I was feeling, and she'd taken her medication for the night. Needless to say, I didn't end up feeling more important after my do-over. I had bought some sparkling cranberry juice to ring in the new year. My partner told me that she doesn't like cranberry and that she thinks it's silly to use a substitute for alcohol. While that makes sense to me, I still felt incomplete after she went to sleep. So, I decided to have a second do-over, just with me, and toasted the new year and myself and my new word, self-care, all by myself. Happy New Year.

Anybody wanna play tag?

2007-12-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

The Junky's Wife tagged anyone who wants to play to share 5 random facts about themselves. I'm in.

1) I like Sign Language. When I was in college, I spent a couple of weeks at Gallaudet (a college for the Deaf in Washington, DC.) I had taken up the habit of practicing fingerspelling random things while I was walking along. I stopped when all of a sudden it occured to me that everyone at Gallaudet could read my mind by looking at my fingers!! I took a group of emotionally disturbed 11 year olds to the beach one summer. On the way, I was practicing my sign language by signing the words on the radio. One of the kids asked me to teach them to curse in sign language. I told them to come ask me again when they're 18. In the meantime, I wiped my forehead and scratched my nose. The kids thought I was showing them cursing in sign language and spent the rest of the trip wiping their foreheads and scratching their noses at each other.

2) I used to teach swimming to kids with disabilities. One summer, a friend and I discovered a mysterious log and went to report it to the woman in charge. "Oh SHIT," exclaimed the director. "Exactly" was my friend's quick comeback. ;-)

3) I've bailed two different people out of jail and I've had way more people than I care to count committed to a locked mental facility. It's waaaay to easy to do a secure custody order to have someone committed. Don't piss me off, b/c it could happen to YOU!!!!!!!!

4) I got a chance to tour the west wing of the white house a couple years ago. I've got a friend who works for the government. That's all I can say about that. Otherwise, she'd have to shoot me.

5) I'm tongue tied (or whatever the medical term is when there's a piece of cartilege that extends and holds your tongue to the bottom of your mouth.) My first french kiss created an incredibly awkward vacuum suction noise when he was trying to pull my tongue into his mouth and it just wouldn't go that far. After that, I used to do tongue exercizes while watching tv to try to stretch my tongue out farther.

So there you have 5 random facts. I'm not gonna tag anyone who doesn't ask to be tagged. I still have people who's last posts ever included my comment to them that they'd been tagged. So, Anybody wanna play? Leave a comment for me and I'll add you to the list.

Tag Volunteers:
1)http://proudashamed.blogspot.com/
2)just another addict
3)http://questionair.blogspot.com/
4)
5)

OK

2007-12-19T07:03:00.000-05:00

My partner has been having a hard time lately, and I've been having a hard time detaching with love from her hard time.

Last night, she told me that she thought she'd take the day off today. "Ok," I said. "OK? I didn't expect that!!"

Do I feel ok? NO!! I need to acknowledge that, but not necessarily to her. It scares me because as of a week ago, she told me she only had one day off. She took a day off last week, and then missed more than 1/2 a day later in the week to go to the doctor. Math may not be my strong suit, but it "seems" that she doesn't have this day to take. It's also scary b/c frequent absences in the past have been a precurser to even more difficult times in the past. She's in a bad place. That's scary for me.

And the selfish part of me is just hurt that she chose to take 2 1/2 days just before my week's vacation. I told her last week when she was getting ready to use the one day she really did have that needed to be used before the new year that I wished she'd wait and spend the day with me over the holiday. I have to remind myself that this is not about me. She's hurting; she's not rejecting me. Note to self: make plans for ME to spend time with people I care about next week when I'm on vacation alone. Oh well, off to work. Sigh.

my former doctor

2007-12-15T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'm really struggling again lately with trust issues surrounding my former family physician. I've always thought that he's a really good man and an excellent diagnostician. When my partner first told me about her addiction struggle, she told me that she'd been taking the pain pills for over a year and that she didn't even remember what they were originally prescribed for. She told me that she often took them to "deal with" a child in our home and that she hid the pills from me. She said that she was really scared, because her father was an alcoholic, and she knows addiction runs in her family. She said that she was taking substantially more than what was prescribed, that she kept asking for (AND GETTING) refills sooner and sooner, and that she had to sometimes pay cash for them because insurance wouldn't pay for them. She said that she'd tried to stop on numerous occasions, but couldn't. She asked me if I would hold her pills for her so that she could wean herself down.

I told her that I could not hold her pills for her, because it would be unhealthy for me, and that I could not be the sole keeper of this information for the same reason. I told her that I'd like for us to go together to see our doctor, who'd been prescribing the meds. I asked her to go to the pharmacy and get a printout of what she'd taken in the last year, which she did. We brought the printout to the doctor and, with much prompting, she shared with him all of what she'd shared with me.

The doctor told us that it was ok, that some patients used prescription narcotics all of their lives and that he was currently using them for his back. He suggested weaning her off and LITERALLLY patted me on the head and told me "it's not so bad."

After he left, my partner burst into tears and said that she thought he was going to send her to rehab. I wanted to believe our doctor, and I did. I convinced myself that I'd been overreacting. Meanwhile, my partner used substantially more than he prescribed in the first few days, and decided pretty quickly to reach out for help again. She was told to check herself into detox, and she did.

I've felt really betrayed by this doctor. I can maybe understand him being careless with how often she was getting refills, and she freely admits that she lied to him about symptoms, but I spelled it out for him and had her bring him a copy of what she'd been taking, and he still blew us off. My partner says that it was her doing, and she really trusts him. We argued for a long time about going back to him, and she finally agreed to go to a new doctor. I told her that I had trusted him with what's most important in the world to me, and that I feel like he betrayed my trust. She also acknowledged that part of her wondered if he'd give her pain pills again.

That was over a year ago. I've struggled with whether to confront him, because, at best, I think he was ignorant and other patients might be struggling with addiction without his knowledge. I wonder if there's denial going on on his part, and part of me wonders if he's got his own addiction struggles. I get overwhelmed, though, and do nothing, other than working out an agreement with my partner that we'd change practices and find a new doctor. In the last month or so, the issue has come up twice. She's not feeling confident in our new doctor's skills and really wants to go back to the old one. I do think that the old doctor is probably a much better diagnostician (in every area other than addiction) than the new one. I don't know if I could (or should) try to work through my issues with him. And I'm feeling guilty for not confronting him, because I do wonder if my not speaking up might have kept others from getting help.

I'm really struggling with being able to trust my own judgement. It was really such a blow because I trusted this doctor so much for so many years, and when he literally physically patted me on the head and told me that it wasn't so bad, it was like he was telling me that I don't really know what I know. Then, when my partner keeps saying that she wants to go back to him and that she trusts him more than the new doc, I start feeling all crazy again. I start thinking that maybe I should turn myself inside out again and agree to go back to him, or at least tell her that it's ok with me if she doesn't honor our agreement not to.

My big questions are about trust- Can I trust me? Could I or should I try to work through my trust issues with the doctor? But then, the related question is if I do trust me, what do I do about it? I've never seen him since the day he patted me on the head, and I've never addressed directly or indirectly what I think he did wrong. I thought about reporting him to the state licensing board at the time, but I didn't trust me enough to do it. I don't want to destroy the man's career. I would like to do what I can to bring about growth/education/change. It's feeling very similar to the struggle I've faced when considering reporting possible child abuse. But at least I know that system. I don't know anything about the state licensing board or any other way I could encourage this man to respond differently the next time he's faced with possible addiction. Input is welcome.

Sponsor

2007-12-12T07:23:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be a sponsor. Someone asked me after our meeting where we talked about working the 12th step. My first reaction was fear. This is someone with years in the program. She has had multiple sponsors and is a sponsor herself. They say that what you should look for in a sponsor is someone who has what you want. My worry was that she has way more that I want than I could ever have what she wants. Whenever she shares in meetings, it helps me. I don't know if I've got what she needs. But then, I decided that it's not up to me to decide what she wants. It's up to me to decide about my own willingness. I'm willing, and she says she wants this. So, after the holidays, we're getting started. Anyone with ESH to share on being a sponsor, I'd love to hear it.