Will- Power

I'm working step 2 online with my compulsive overeater group at TJWC. Here are a few of my realizations:

I'm realizing this time around how much I blame my partner for behaviors that I do as well. I get frustrated with her for not speaking her truth to me, but I realize that I'm doing the same thing. I am afraid, and I stuff my feelings rather than owning them and speaking them. I also blame her for the isolating we do as a couple. I want her to go to social things with me, in part because I'm fearful of going alone. I want her to change so that I can feel better, and I know that that's insane.

I'm also seeing more clearly today how I've really been clinging to my compulsive overeating. I've been working the steps, hard, when it comes to codependency. I'm a whole lot better in that area, though obviously not cured. (See above paragraph.) But, I continue to do the same things expecting different results when it comes to compulsive overeating, and that IS insane.

It's interesting how as I work the steps again and again I find different stumbling blocks. Before, I've really struggled with the God steps, because I didn't really believe in a God who would have a personal relationship with me. Today, I have an ever deepening relationship with my higher power and I KNOW that he can and does restore me to sanity when I let him.

But I've been actively keeping my higher power out of this area of my life, because I haven't been ready to let go of MY WILL. I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "La La La" rather than being WILLing to look at God's WILL for my life and asking for the POWER to carry that out. All of a sudden, I'm looking at those critical words from step 11- WILL and POWER. My willpower certainly doesn't work in the area of food. But, if I ask for God's WILL for me and the POWER to carry that out, I know that it will work for me. Today, I feel like I'm moving more towards being ready.

Conversations with God- Kidney Stone Edition

My stone was blasted to bits on Monday. I'm still peeing the bits out through a strainer. Fun times. I was doctor ordered to bedrest for 24 hours and then work as pain permits till December 31.

So, God and I had a conversation on Tuesday night. I asked for God's will for me and asked for a clear message, because I often get confused. God answered with throbbing pain at 4:30am requiring narcotics. That meant I couldn't drive myself to work on Wednesday. After I took the pill, it throbbed just a bit harder for a bit so God could let me know that I got the message right. Thanks, God!

So, last night, I told God that I'm listening now. You can be a bit more subtle if you want to, and I'll try to pay attention. Last night, no pain, and I've had no narcotics since yesterday afternoon. This morning, I got ready for work, listening to my body and to God. No pain. Off I went. I realized when I got out of the neighborhood that I'd left my nausia meds at home. As I pulled into work, I was nauseous and sweaty. So, I started talking to God. Ok, God, I'm listening. Can I just go in and get a few things done first, though? Hmmm, is this my will or yours. Oh yeah, the power to carry that out. God, will you give me the power to carry out your will please? After about an hour, I went home.

Hmm. Wonder how our conversation will go tonight and tomorrow.

Knowledge of God's Will for me and the Power to Carry it Out

Our step group is on Step 11. Meanwhile, there's a situation brewing that's not about me but surely is affecting me. I have done absolutely everything I can do to help a kid in my life. But, she doesn't appear to be ready for help. The situation is aligning itself so that it's out of my hands. Usually, I'd be warring, warring, warring. I would KNOW what's best for this kid. The truth is I think I DO know what's best. But I can't make her choices for her. And if she continues on the path she's on, it will be out of my hands, and she'll be out of my life. Today, I'm more at peace with that possibility than I ever thought possible. I know today that I'll be ok no matter what. And when she's ready, the kid will be ok too. I may not be her particular instrument of change. But she's got a Higher Power too. And I can trust that she'll get what she needs, regardless of whether it's what she, or I, want.

Secret Message Decoder Ring

My step group is starting Step 11, where we pray for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. I'm finding that I'm receiving a new gift of clarity. I've taken to calling it my secret message decoder ring. I'm asking for God's will for me, and I seem to be getting better at using my decoder ring to understand the answers.

I love the Promises from the AA Big Book, and I'm finding that with my new secret message decoder ring, this one's coming true:

-We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

It's a really cool gift! And speaking of that cool gift, this is my 100'th post. According to my secret message decoder ring, God wants me to keep speaking my truth here. And to know that this gift is a bigun. Thanks, God!!!!