could one pill do us in???

Since my partner's relapse, I've been in regular communication with my friends in recovery, my sponsor, and even her sponsor. Her sponsor has been awesome. She's providing validation and empathy for me, but maintaining boundaries between her relationship with me and her relationship with my partner.

Here's the first of her responses to me:

"I feel your pain and anger about your partner's relapse. I have been in your shoes many, many times with my first husband. Remember the relapse isn't about what you did or didn't do or where you were or were not. It was not a personal afront to you, it was about the disease of addicton. It's about your dumb ass partner not doing what she was told, disregarding the tools she has today and her disease of addiction. I too, tolerate only so many relapses before I let a sponsee go. At some point you need to decide for yourself when enough is enough and I mentioned to your partner that you may ask her to leave the house as a result of her actions. Just know that on my end we had a very straightforward conversation and will be having another soon.

I just wanted to clarify this statement:

She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it.


I suggested that she keep her own meds in her own lock box separate from yours and the left overs from other people who have been in your house. Not that you lock away her meds from her. You're right. You are not powerful enough to prevent a relapse. But I also feel, as a newcomer, she doesn't need to have her nose in other peoples stuff. She needs to have meds for her own mental health otherwise I'd tell her to flush everything.



Another option is to tell her she has to go through a treatment program in order to stay in the house. I don't know you're history of this or if she's ever been but ____ had some good outpatient programs and ____ hospital also has a detox wing. Again, I don't know the history here but it's an option. She may have already burned her bridges with you and so be it.



Wherever you are I'm glad are not alone and that YOU have the tools of recovery and use them!! :) Please know I am here for you as a friend and supporter. My relationship with your partner is a different entity and I'm old enough to know the difference."

After a few more emails back and forth between me and my sponsor and between me and hers, I sent this to my partner AND her sponsor.

"A, I tried calling a couple of times today, but you didn't pick up. I would love it if you would make some kind of attempt to initiate contact with me. I'm working through my feelings with other people, but I'd really like to try to work through them with YOU!! Meanwhile, here's part of my conversation with my sponsor today.

Here's what she asked/ said:

"What about this whole scenario bothers you the most? What is it about her actions that make you feel as though it's being done TO you? THe conversation with her sponsor which involves a change in behavior on your part? If that's it, you don't have to accept. We have choices!!

Be kind to yourself and take your time getting home. Hang in there!"

And my response:

"There was alot that bothered me. The whole convolutedness of the conversation. She started by telling me that she didn't go to a neighborhood social event as planned because she had a migraine. Then, later, she added in that she went to a meeting instead because her sponsor said she had to. Then, there was the relapse stuff about looking for, finding, and taking a "loose pill" because her hip hurt. Then, the stuff about her sponsor's conversation about me locking up the meds that aren't hers. That made no sense until much later when it came out that what she took was a sleeping pill of mine. She kept talking about it being loose in the box and that she wouldn't have taken it if it were in the bottle. I guess that was a big part of what triggered me. I'm not buying that bullshit; it just pissed me off. It bothers me that there's yet another boogeyman to be concerned about now that my sleep meds are fodder for her addiction. Oh, then there was the part where she asked her sponsor if she "had to" tell me. Oh, and we had another segment of the continuing saga of the missed work. She took yet another day off this week. When I asked her what she planned to do about the missing day, she said that she had another paid day. This keeps happening. She says she has no more paid time off, but then magically finds more and more days when she takes more and more time off. I've told her that I'm no longer willing to pay for days off. So her solution appears to be that she keeps finding more and more days. Feels like addict math to me!!!! And yeah, there was also the part where I'm supposed to lock up something else that I didn't know was a problem after the fact. So, which part bothered me the most? I don't know. I'll have to think on that one."

Again, I'm copying this to both you AND your sponsor so that you both know where I'm coming from. I've told your sponsor and I'll tell you that my intention for including your sponsor in these particular emails is that it's sometimes hard for you to hear me when we're in a hard place. If it gets too complicated for your sponsor, I've told her that you have dibs on her. I love you. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And I still love you. I really hope you choose to initiate some kind of contact. I'm done reaching out for now until I hear from you."

I've yet to hear ANYTHING from my partner. Guess I've got some praying to do about what comes next.

travel=relapse

In my naranon circles, people often share that when they travel, their addicts typically relapse. Apparently, I'm not immune to this trend.

I talked to my partner last night, who shared, among other things, that she got into our medicine lockbox and found a loose pill and took it. She said that she told her sponsor right away and picked up a white chip. I started out with the politically correct feelings of gratitude that she caught it early and that she's doing the things she needs to do to take care of herself. But later in the conversation, which got more and more convoluted, she shared that what she'd taken was something that was prescribed for me for sleep. She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it. I feel not good enough. I just don't have it in me to play one more round of that particular game today.

Meanwhile, I'm having all kinds of complicated feelings about her taking this particular pill. I know that she wasn't purposely doing this TO me, but I find myself feeling ambushed. It's yet another area of my life where it didn't occur to me not to feel safe. One of my dearest friends in naranon uses the analogy of "please don't shit in the sink." Somehow, I'm supposed to know every condition under which my addict might use and set boundaries (oh yeah, and play the invade the boundary game) around it.

I'm also playing the "it's not bad enough for me to be having these feelings" game. It WAS one pill. She DID tell her sponsor immediately. The other people in my naranon circle deal with much bigger relapses. But my truth is, it's big for ME. She took what was mine, and gave me one more trigger to have to work through. I'm GodDamned tired of working through triggers where her actions, whether intentionally or not, HURT ME!! And I just don't have the energy to invest in this bullshit right now. I've got bigger things on my plate.

Which brings me to the "I don't want to go home" game. My original plan was to leave this morning, but I just didn't want to. I guess the good news is that I have a bit of time. I can take the weekend, talk to my sponsor, figure out a plan that works for me. Hell, I can even hit a few naranon meetings in this town I find myself in today. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I DO go home, that promise will be true for me- We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. Please, God!

White Chip

My partner told me yesterday that she'd be picking up a white chip in the evening.

She told me that over the past couple of weeks she's been taking various medications, from a common over-the-counter cold medicine that has a lot of alcohol in it to some leftover muscle relaxants that belonged to someone who used to live in our house and some other things. She said that her therapist, who's a recovering alcoholic had told her weeks ago that she couldn't have the cold medicine, but she'd chosen to keep using it anyway and to use more than prescribed.

She has a new sponsor, who apparently told her that she didn't think that she needed to pick up a white chip. But my partner didn't feel comfortable with that, and kept asking others in recovery, and decided that she did need to pick up the chip.

I'm proud of her for putting it out there and for pursuing it when she was first given a pass by her sponsor. I'm glad that she's taking this stuff seriously and that it seems that for today, she's not sliding further down that slippery slope. I'm glad that she came to me and told me. I understand why I was the last to know, but that part is painful. The other part that's hard is the reality distortion. Just last weekend, we were at a recovery conference together and she was celebrating 6 months clean. Stupid me talked about how cool it is that they honor 18 months and that she'll be able to stand up for that next year. I was also starting to look forward to her finally having a year clean and being able to speak to my naranon group. What I now know is that she really didn't have 6 months when she was standing up dancing and cheering. I do struggle with that reality distortion thing. Oh well. I have tools. So does she. For today, she's taking her recovery seriously. I can't really ask for more than that.