More God Grad School

I really thought that I was in a field that was somewhat protected from the financial madness of the times. Surprise! I got the word today that my job is terminated, effective in June. I have the opportunity to reaapply for one of an undisclosed but significantly reduced number of positions. I can also apply for one of a number of new positions for substantially reduced pay. Many of us in this same boat get the added bonus of being expected to go back to school (on our own dimes) to get additional training for this position on our newly cut salaries. Luckily or unluckily, as the case might be, I already meet the requirements for both my current position and the lesser paid one. It's a lot to absorb.

Meanwhile, I've got some ethical challenges in the weeks ahead. I've been put in a positon of having more to do than is feasible in the time I have left, and that was before the added stress of job seeking. I've been hanging on, by a thread, as more and more has been added to my plate. I've been being quiet, because we've been clearly told that job performance, as rated by our supervisors, will be the main factor looked at as cuts are made. This week, I was given one more task, one that I believe to be unethical. The person that I would typically turn to for direction was given even worse news than mine this week.

I think I'll try my favorite 12 step exercize.

Step 1. I am powerless over the financial state of this country and the effect it is having on me. I am powerless over direct supervisors and their direct orders. I am powerless over the number of hours in a day and the number of days left of employment. The first situation shows financial unmanageability. I am the primary breadwinner of our family. And, as a gay person, I can't even get health insurance once Cobra runs out. I've been trying to set boundaries in the second situation, but they've been continually trounced. My life is becoming more and more unmanageable as the clock ticks. I was given a direct order to do something that I believe to be wrong, which feels unmanageable.

Step 2. My higher power can help me sort out what I can and cannot change and take the steps I need to take while letting go of what I can't change.

Step 3. God, I give you my anxiety over the job situation. Help me to know the right things to do and help me to let go of the rest.

Step 4. Character defects that have surfaced include fear of economic insecurity, unwillingness up until now to ask for help because of fear

Step 5. God, me, and the internet, my fears have been getting in the way of my making good decisions.

Step 6. I am willing for God to remove my fears.

Step 7. God, please help me to let go of my fear and trust that I can do what I need to do and that I will be ok.

Step 8. Up till now, I've harmed me. If I do what I've been told to do, I will harm a child.

Step 9. I will amend my behavior by letting go of my fears, by asking for help, by doing what I can do, and by letting go of the rest.

Step 10. I don't think I've left anything out.

Step 11. I think that God wants me to go to the person, who like me, still has a job today, rather than making a choice that I believe to be unethical. I think that God wants me to take care of myself by confiding in this person what my current work situation is. Depending on the outcome of that discussion, I'll need to check in with God again for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. As for the future job situation, I think God wants me to do what footwork I can and trust the process.

Step 12. I do feel a spiritual awakening. I'm much calmer than when I started this exercize, and clearer about what I can do. Hopefully, I can get some sleep now.

Lose/Lose- Our current negotiation system

I get this clutch feeling in my chest when we're negotiating, regardless of what it is that we're negotiating about. I keep bumping into it lately. Saturday, it was negotiating for time. Sunday, it was over the last two pieces of pizza. Yesterday it was about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

We really don't negotiate well, at least not yet. It's not pretty. It's also not adult. We're two little desperate survivor children, and whatever we're arguing about takes on waaay more importance than who gets the pizza or who does the dishes. It's about survival, not just survival of the relationship, but of each of our very selves.

Our arguments must look really weird to an outside observer. This is how it looks to me like they usually go, with credit to MPJ for the codiespeak and to A for the courage to tell me what she hears when we're in conflict.

Me: I want to talk about how this (time, pizza, dishes, life) situation is not working for me. (Uh oh. Am I stepping on a landmine this time? Here goes nothing.)
Her: OK, let's talk. (Warning Will Robinson. I'm about to be under attack. OK, just hang on till it's over.)
Me: Here's what I think, feel, want. (What she hears: "blah, blah, blah, attack, attack, attack.")
Her: OK, have it your way. (Things aren't going to go my way anyway. If I give her what she wants, maybe she'll stop attacking me. Besides, this is all I deserve anyway. I'm worthless.)
Me: No, wait, have it your way. (Please love me. I'll try harder. I'll do better!)
Repeat last two lines until someone gives up.
Me: Are we OK? What do you need for us to be ok? (Oh My God! She's LEAVING ME! Come Back! I'll do anything. Just come baaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!!!!)
Her: I'm tired. I'm going to sleep now. (I gave her what she wanted. Why won't she stop attacking me. What I hear: "I'm going away forever.")

Needless to say, this cycle is not working for either of us. But I'm having a hard time breaking it. I'm getting better at the first part. I'm learning to put my wants and needs on the table in spite of my fear of abandonment. I'm also getting better at the second part- identifying what I feel, what I need, and what I want.

But it's all downhill for me as soon as I hear "have it your way." I'm all wrapped up in her head and I lose me. You know, even when I'm writing out this dialogue, I'm in her head, and that's dangerous territory for me. I guess I need to get better at taking care of me, and leave the taking care of her where it belongs, with her.

The truth is that neither of us is going anywhere, even though it feels like it to me every time we start down this path. Hopefully, as I get clearer and more focused on me, she'll get clearer and more focused on her. But whether she does or doesn't is her journey. And I really gotta get back to my side of the street.

OK

My partner has been having a hard time lately, and I've been having a hard time detaching with love from her hard time.

Last night, she told me that she thought she'd take the day off today. "Ok," I said. "OK? I didn't expect that!!"

Do I feel ok? NO!! I need to acknowledge that, but not necessarily to her. It scares me because as of a week ago, she told me she only had one day off. She took a day off last week, and then missed more than 1/2 a day later in the week to go to the doctor. Math may not be my strong suit, but it "seems" that she doesn't have this day to take. It's also scary b/c frequent absences in the past have been a precurser to even more difficult times in the past. She's in a bad place. That's scary for me.

And the selfish part of me is just hurt that she chose to take 2 1/2 days just before my week's vacation. I told her last week when she was getting ready to use the one day she really did have that needed to be used before the new year that I wished she'd wait and spend the day with me over the holiday. I have to remind myself that this is not about me. She's hurting; she's not rejecting me. Note to self: make plans for ME to spend time with people I care about next week when I'm on vacation alone. Oh well, off to work. Sigh.

Fear and Growth, my latest AFGO

So, I just finished posting about gratitude and being loved. And I AM. Both grateful, and loved. But I finished posting, and all of a sudden I realize that I've been feeling anxious this evening. You know, I'm really retarded when it comes to identifying, let alone labelling my own feelings. Which is really ironic considering the field that I'm in. But then not so ironic considering that a major reason I'm in this helping field is that it's a socially acceptable way of being codependent.

Anyway, the feeling is fear. And it has to do with change. I'm changing job positions, and not by choice. But then, when I think about it, this will be my 9th work location since moving to this town, and only 2 of those moves have been my choice. The last time I actually chose to move was about two decades ago. Literally! So, back to my good old 4th step. Why do I have this fear? It's a lack of trust. But I went to my new place today, and saw two people that I know and like from a previous place. And I'm reminded that change equals growth for me. And growth is a good thing for me.

My very favorite acronym I learned in a 12 step room is AFGO. That's Another F*&%ing Growth Opportunity. Isn't that a great expression? My choice would be to never move out of my comfort zone, which would mean never to grow. I guess this HP of mine is doing for me what I won't do for myself. And I'll survive this AFGO. I may even thrive!!

Thanks for letting me share.