Bless the Defenses

We had therapy yesterday. Because of the weather, we opted to have our session by phone. I ended up downstairs while she was upstairs. I was doubtful as to how we could work effectively being in 3 different places. But, it seemed to work.

We always start with a grounding exercise and then an opportunity to say what we want to work on. I wanted to work on getting through the stuck places. My partner wanted to work on becoming closer.

We got to a stuck place pretty early in. I heard my partner filing her nails, which was really annoying in the middle of a therapy session we were paying for. The therapist suggested that I bless the defenses that she's built to keep herself safe. In a way, it made sense, because it was the defenses that kept her safe and brought her to me. But, those same defenses are used today to keep me out. I've shared before about how lonely it is to be the partner of someone who's busy building fortresses to keep me out. If I blessed her defenses, wasn't I saying that I wanted that behavior to continue? I wish I remembered the therapist's exact wording, but it was something about defenses won't relax until there's complete safety. So, we each did this ritual of blessing and thanking the defenses that kept her safe. It really was miraculous. She was able to open up and start letting me in in new ways.

It reminded me of something I hear from long-timers in 12 step programs. They suggest that to get rid of a resentment, you pray for the person you resent to get everything you want. I guess I have resented the part of her who keeps her from me. And blessing that part seemed to make a real difference, for both of us!

Relationship Growth Spurt

We had a 3 hour session with her therapist on Friday, and my partner has been fully present since then. It was really hard and really good. She told me later that her intention in inviting me was to have her therapist fix me by telling me to go on an antidepressant. What happened instead was that the therapist really helped us explore core issues and to really hear each other.

We talked alot about her dissociation and how it affects each of us. She was really able to own how much she goes away. She even told me that when I cry, she dissociates. It makes sense to me that emotionally charged situations would be really hard for her and that she would protect herself by going inside of herself. It also makes sense to me (and finally to her, too!) that I don't feel seen because of it.

We talked about her unwillingness to use intentional dialogues. She said that they're really hard for her because she can't remember what I said and then it's hard when she has to give it back to me. We both got that this, too, has to do with her dissociation. When she goes inside herself, it must be incredibly hard for her to validate and empathise with my experience. It's also incredibly hard for me when I'm pouring out empathy and validation and getting little back. I end up feeling frustrated and unimportant and out of balance. She ends up feeling frustrated and worthless and hopeless. I think maybe my sender responsibility is to pay attention to when she goes away and stop talking until she can resource herself and come back. Another sender responsibility that I have is to try to speak my truth, but in a way that she can hear, either by giving less information at a time, by containing my emotions to the best of my ability(by resourcing myself) and sharing with her honestly, but in ways that she's more likely to hear. I want to say what her receiver responsibility is, but that would be taking her inventory. My therapist tells me that I've been overcompensating, though. It makes sense to me that when I feel like I'm working harder and harder and harder and not getting much back, I end up with big resentments that are NOT healthy for the relationship.

We also talked about her experience that I can't hear her no. She says that when she tells me no, I harass her until she gives in. She gave some examples, and I validated her experience. It's true that in each of the instances she shared, I suggested more and more alternatives until she agreed to one of them. I can see how she's feeling like she doesn't have a vote, because in each of the instances, we eventually did one of the things I suggested. Given all that, I imagine she feels trapped and powerless. I even get that boundaries are really new for her, and she needs to build fortresses right now in order to protect herself. It's just how I operate with my mother. It bothers me that the person that she's protecting herself from is me, but even that makes sense. It's that Imago thing we're learning about, where we recreate trauma experiences until we work through them. I am NOT any of the people in her life who traumatized her and did not respect her boundaries, but she's projecting that shit on me because she hasn't worked through it yet and I'm the person she's closest to today. I am understanding all of this stuff to the best of my ability without being her.

But I really need her to be able to see my side. It's really lonely to be a partner to someone who's busy building fortresses to keep me out. It triggers the hell out of my abandonment issues. Those issues weren't installed by her, any more than her victimization issues were installed by me. But her behavior affects me. As much as I can understand it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt! What she sees as me not hearing no, I see as her not being able, yet, to enforce her own boundaries. That makes sense to me, too, because I have a hard time enforcing mine. I'm learning, through watching her struggle with this, that it's my job to enforce my boundaries and it's her job to enforce hers. It feels to me like she's blaming me for her failure to enforce her own boundaries. And, while she's busy building fortresses, she's not very negotiable. I see the same thing that she sees as me badgering her as her unwillingness to negotiate. Again, I get it. Boundaries and negotiation are new and hard for her. But it leaves me in a no-win place. She's not throwing out any alternatives. And then she's blaming me when I continue to come up with alternatives and then SHE finally agrees to one. Maybe this is my part here, and what I can try to do differently in negotiation. Again, I can slow down. I can pay attention to whether she's with me. I can ask her to come up with another alternative instead of continuing to put more and more options on the table.

Here's the good news. After our 3 hour therapy session, she's being fully present with me. She understood what I need in terms of validation and empathy, and she's really working on giving it to me. I'm not feeling abandoned right now, because she's not going away inside of herself right now. She's taking more risks and telling me her truth. As she's sharing her truth with me, I can be more compassionate and I can own my part and figure out what I need to change. We're being able to process things all the way through until we both feel heard and validated and we're being able to come to resolution together. For now, it feels like we're BOTH really working on the relationship. I don't feel so out of balance. And that feels really good.

triggered, and growth

So I was sharing with my partner this morning about some of my most recent insecurities and confusions in this virtual world and she got triggered. We were snuggling, talking, and she got quiet and then bolted out of bed. The topic was just too much for her. My head knew it wasn't about me, but my feelings got hurt anyway. Both of us are making progress though. I was able to ask for reassurance. She was able to tell me that it's not about me. (Yeah, I know this, but I still need to hear it.) I was able to tell her that it would really help me if/when she can share with me in an intentional dialogue, but if she can't, I'll understand. GROWTH.

Fear and Growth, my latest AFGO

So, I just finished posting about gratitude and being loved. And I AM. Both grateful, and loved. But I finished posting, and all of a sudden I realize that I've been feeling anxious this evening. You know, I'm really retarded when it comes to identifying, let alone labelling my own feelings. Which is really ironic considering the field that I'm in. But then not so ironic considering that a major reason I'm in this helping field is that it's a socially acceptable way of being codependent.

Anyway, the feeling is fear. And it has to do with change. I'm changing job positions, and not by choice. But then, when I think about it, this will be my 9th work location since moving to this town, and only 2 of those moves have been my choice. The last time I actually chose to move was about two decades ago. Literally! So, back to my good old 4th step. Why do I have this fear? It's a lack of trust. But I went to my new place today, and saw two people that I know and like from a previous place. And I'm reminded that change equals growth for me. And growth is a good thing for me.

My very favorite acronym I learned in a 12 step room is AFGO. That's Another F*&%ing Growth Opportunity. Isn't that a great expression? My choice would be to never move out of my comfort zone, which would mean never to grow. I guess this HP of mine is doing for me what I won't do for myself. And I'll survive this AFGO. I may even thrive!!

Thanks for letting me share.