Pound Puppy

So, my partner is now on involuntary psychiatric hospitalization number 2, along with 2 partial hospitalizations- 1 "successfully" completed and one not, all since mid November. When I can separate myself and my feelings from all this, it's interesting to see her fight with herself. She wants help and she doesn't. She wants somebody to take care of her and she resents being controlled. She wants someone to keep her safe, and she wants to push limits of the people whom she's asked to do so. When I can look at the behavior from a place of healthy detachment, some of her behavior is really funny. She actually told the nurse last night not to put a needle in her hand because that would hurt and not to put a bandage on her arm after they took blood there because it would leave a bruise. That might make sense if it weren't for the fact that she was there because she couldn't contract to keep herself safe from significantly more pain and resulting in significantly more physical evidence.

That's what's going on with her.

As for me, I'm pretty pleased with my committment to myself to maintain my balance. I left her at the emergency room and went to my naranon meeting. Before I went back to the ER, I treated myself to a nice dinner and coffee. I'm enjoying having space. I'm doing my work without too many intrusive thoughts.

I'm stressing about the financial ramifications of her going from facility to facility NOT feeling her feelings, engaging in the behavior that put her there WHILE she's there. The bills are racking up and she appears to be unwilling or unable to do anything to bring in any money to pay them. My naranon friends tell me that that's NOT mine. I dunno what to do with that. It is getting clearer to me that I can't live with this particular manifestation of active addiction in my house. I don't know what that's gonna mean for the future. She's been pretty successful so far at treatment hopping without actually having to work on the issues that brought her to any of them. Guess that's not mine either. I'm frustrated and angry that my need to keep myself safe is being interpreted in her story as my not being supportive. My sponsor tells me that what other people think of me is none of my business, but it's painful when I'm trying so hard to figure out a way that I can manage my own feelings around her behaviors without putting her completely out of my life, and her interpretation of that is that she gets no support at home.

I have absolutely no power over whether she chooses to actually use the help that she seems to be pursuing or over how she interprets MY actions. What I can do is use my uncomfortable feelings to help identify what I need to do to take better care of myself. I don't have answers yet, but at least the questions are getting a bit clearer.

This morning, I woke up with the first phrase of IF, by Rudyard Kipling, running through my head. "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you..." For the most part, I'm managing. Guess I'm becoming a man, my son. Who'da thunk???

Heard from my therapist

"Try not to take it personally. Remember that she isn't doing this on purpose. Ideally, it should be the two of you against the problem, not her and the problem against you." I did hear these words from my therapist today. But it wasn't my individual or couples therapist talking to me. It was my physical therapist talking to my partner! I have adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder) and he was teaching my partner how to help me with my therapy.

He also had words of wisdom for me. Let Go. Don't try to force change. Let me take control, don't try to be in control of the movement. Trust me."

Frozen Shoulder. Thanks, God!

Let Go, Let God

I apparently have some God lessons to learn yet again about trusting the process, letting go, keeping my head where my feet are, and all that fun stuff. God keeps telling me to let go. When I don't, I get gentle, and then not so gentle reminders. There's some major ambiguity in my work situation. I think things are going to turn out the way I want them to. I KNOW (even if my body doesn't) that I'll be ok no matter what and that things will work out the way they're supposed to. I've done the footwork I can do. I'm having a really hard time turning off my brain and going to bed. Guess God and I need to have another conversation. Gnite.

Fired! Redux

Interesting times. This spring I was terminated and then unfired. I'd just gotten my legs back under me again. We even bought an expensive new (to us) vehicle on Tuesday. Then yesterday, my partner was fired. Not laid off. Actually fired.

It seems that while she had a part, it really was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to her termination. Even her boss appeared to be sorry that she had no other option. My partner has grown a lot in this position and seems to have learned what she needed to learn there. It really was time for her to move on, and now that will have to happen. I'm really proud of how she handled herself yesterday. And I'm proud of how we handled it together. I called a program friend before talking to my partner, and she gave me my talking orders- I could only say things that were "loving, necessary, and true." I think I did that. And I'm amazed at how we got through what could have been an even tougher day together.

I'm also really scared. It's not the best time to try to be searching for employment, especially with a recent firing. And there's the matter of the expensive new-ish car we just bought. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me. But, I guess God has some new lessons in store for both of us.

God Lessons in Letting Go

Apparently, God really wants me to learn to let go.

Even after writing that my partner has been choosing NOT to do what she said she was gonna do every time when it comes to doctors, I didn't understand that she really was making that choice, EVERY TIME. Here I am again, surprised. The person that I love is an addict. Addicts lie. Addicts are not dependable. I want to be with my addict AND I want her to be dependable. I want HER to change, so that I can be OK. My way is clearly not working, yet again.

Since I apparently haven't been getting the message, God decided to be a bit more clear. So, when I got to work yesterday, I found out that my hard drive has crashed. I've lost much of what I I believe I need to get my job done.

There's not a damned thing I can do about either situation. I've requested tech support at work, and I've spoken my truth at home. I can't bring back information on my hard drive any more than I can change my addict. Life on life's terms. AFGO!!!!