Using my tools- perfectly imperfectly

Yesterday, I said:

"And guess what? It's the weekend. My addict is piddling around the house, mostly NOT engaging with me. She's also being very loud about her back hurting. I'm not sitting around the house waiting for her to spend time with me. I'm not obsessing about whether she's going to decide to self-medicate and relapse. I'm busy with my own life and my own program. For today, I'm working it, and it's working!!!"

Well for the morning anyway. By night time, I was anxiety ridden over my abandonment issues and triggered over her combination of back pain and isolation and I overate and did not get enough sleep. Sigh. Today's a new day!

My post was supposed to end here, but speaking of today being a new day, my partner just came home after leaving for work. She said she forgot her bra and now she's in a bind. She said she can't afford another occurance, and if she goes in late, she'll get one, but if she takes the day off and goes to the doctor, she won't. I told her calmly, that I can't afford to pay for another day off without pay and that she needs to have a plan for when she runs out of days. She said that she'd have to come up with a plan when that happens. I told her that I need a plan NOW. She said she guesses she'll just go in sick. I asked what would happen if she doesn't. She thought for a bit, and then said that she'd make it up out of her spending money. I said that's fine, or you can do overtime, or whatever else you need to do, but I can't afford to pay for another day of lost wages. I said that this is a very clear boundary in my head, and you need to know it. I said what I meant. I meant what I said. And I said it firmly, but not mean.

One step back, but two steps forward. NOW, on with the day.

Meltdowns

I had two meltdowns today. I've been stressing. I just finished the first week of a new job, and next week is going to be an even bigger transition. I've also pretty much singlehandedly put together a wedding shower for my partner's daughter this weekend, and we entertained her soon-to-be mother-in-law(STBMIL) for the weekend. So, I was exhausted, stressed, and in the let down phase after a big event.

Anyway, my first meltdown was over a book case. My new office is really pretty, but much smaller than I'm used to, and there really isn't room for all my stuff. I've been asking my partner for help in fixing up an old bookcase, and while she tried once, it's just not happening. She told me we'd do it this afternoon after the shower and entertaining was over. Well, she's doing 90 in 90, and had missed the last two days because of the events going on. This afternoon, we got up early to take STBMIL to the airport, then picked up the bride and groom to take them out. Then my partner went to play kickball on team-addict. Then she came home and crashed. When it was time to work on my bookshelf, she had to leave to go hit two meetings. I got hysterical. I tried to keep the feelings from her, b/c I know it's a really good thing that she's doing 90 in 90. It just feels like again, I'm last on the totem pole. Plus, I've tried to do the damn bookshelf myself, and I can't, and I'm feeling really incompetent. Plus, my office really should be ready tomorrorw, and I've got two boxes of books and nowhere to put them. And really, I'm stressing about whether I'm up to this job. BLEH!!

Then comes meltdown #2. This one has been a long time coming. I've been feeling so trapped in the middle between my family of choice and my family of origin. My mother always manages to find some excuse about why there's no room for my family at any given time and event. The most recent thing was room at her beach house next weekend. Meanwhile, there's this wedding that I'm a major financial contributor to and none of my family of origin is invited. This weekend, I'm hearing from the STBMIL about her husband's family who are all coming, and my parents are not invited. Then, this evening, my mom was all nice for a change about including my family and then she started asking about wedding plans. I'm hemming and hawing because she's not invited, and meanwhile, she's offering to sponsor a brunch for the out of town guests. I'm great at keeping my defenses up when people are mean, but when they're nice, I turn to mush. So I ended up sobbing to my mom about how trapped in the middle I'm feeling about the whole thing, and the nicer my mom was, the more I lost it.

Tomorrow starts the real phase of my new job. I'm a mess and so is my office. I still have 2 boxes of books with nowhere to put them. And I'm really worried that I'm not going to be good enough in this position.