Using my tools- perfectly imperfectly

Yesterday, I said:

"And guess what? It's the weekend. My addict is piddling around the house, mostly NOT engaging with me. She's also being very loud about her back hurting. I'm not sitting around the house waiting for her to spend time with me. I'm not obsessing about whether she's going to decide to self-medicate and relapse. I'm busy with my own life and my own program. For today, I'm working it, and it's working!!!"

Well for the morning anyway. By night time, I was anxiety ridden over my abandonment issues and triggered over her combination of back pain and isolation and I overate and did not get enough sleep. Sigh. Today's a new day!

My post was supposed to end here, but speaking of today being a new day, my partner just came home after leaving for work. She said she forgot her bra and now she's in a bind. She said she can't afford another occurance, and if she goes in late, she'll get one, but if she takes the day off and goes to the doctor, she won't. I told her calmly, that I can't afford to pay for another day off without pay and that she needs to have a plan for when she runs out of days. She said that she'd have to come up with a plan when that happens. I told her that I need a plan NOW. She said she guesses she'll just go in sick. I asked what would happen if she doesn't. She thought for a bit, and then said that she'd make it up out of her spending money. I said that's fine, or you can do overtime, or whatever else you need to do, but I can't afford to pay for another day of lost wages. I said that this is a very clear boundary in my head, and you need to know it. I said what I meant. I meant what I said. And I said it firmly, but not mean.

One step back, but two steps forward. NOW, on with the day.

"Why the boundaries?"

I posted last night about my frustration re: boundary crossing and lying. On another site, I got this legitimate question.

"hmmm, well I'm funny that way. My man and I have always had all our passwords etc. open to one another. I'm an 'I don't have anything to hide' kinda gal and he knows I'm such a codie who has had such horrible fucking cheating, lying shit go on in my life that he's just happy to show me he's trustworthy. so...lest I offend, why the boundaries?"

It really is a good question, and I really want to think about it and process through it. Here's what it's not. It's not about having something to hide. One of the characteristics of codependents that is very much a part of me is that "we are extremely loyal, staying in situations that may be harmful to us for too long." That's quoted from Codependents Anonymous, where I was a member for 9 years pre-partner. The only thing she WOULD find if she explored my email or my internet account would be ventings here and the comments of responders. Chances are good that she'd be hurt, but only because the things she would read would be too hard to handle as I process through feelings here.

So, if it's not about having something to hide, what is it about? Well, first of all, boundaries and lying are two things I am constantly struggling with with my partner. My need for boundaries is constantly bumping up against her need to test them.

If I dig deeper than that, I have to look at my relationship with my mom. My mom really is a lovely lady who would die for me, but she "knows" what's best for me and if my answers don't match hers, then I'm still being a petulant teenager. I've found that I have to build a fortress of huge protective walls to keep myself safe from my mother. She knows nothing about the addiction in our lives or really much of anything beyond a superficial level.

Mom and I, while perfectly pleasant with each other, don't have much of a real relationship. I don't want that with my partner. I don't want to have to build a fortress. I DO want to set reasonable boundaries and to have them respected. But one thing I'm learning in naranon is that I have absolutely NO control in another person's behavior. I can ask that my boundaries be respected. But I can't MAKE her respect them. So, I see my options as continuing to deal with crossed boundaries or to build up my fortress. I'm not liking either option.

Oh yeah, today

My partner doesn't know my internet password, b/c she admittedly has a hard time with boundaries. She decided long ago that she shouldn't know it b/c she'd be tempted to go in and read my shit. Tonight, she wanted to watch a TV episode online. Stupid me, I thought about logging out of my screenname onto hers, so that she wouldn't go invading my boundaries, but decided that, hell, we're watching together, why bother switching. I'll be right there.

So, as soon as the show's over, she says, "gee, you have 400+ messages, let's look at them." I say, "let's not." So, what does she do? Open my email inbox. First, she says that she just opened the box, she didn't actually read any mail. Then, when I tell her I don't appreciate her doing that when I specifically asked her not to, she says that she had already clicked on it before I said that. When I called her on both lying and invading my boundaries, she admitted to both, and gave me a petulant "sorry."

So now, she's acting like I did something wrong and I'm being punished. I even tried giving her an out by reminding her of a tool we learned in couples therapy- the restitution gift. But instead, she's hiding under the blanket and I won't see her again tonight. Shit!!

Boundaries

In couple therapy this week, we worked on boundaries. Our therapist got a rope, gave it to us, got out of the way, and had us set boundaries in the room. We started each holding a piece of rope. My partner took both ends and folded the rope so it was even. The therapist offered to cut it so we could each have our own. I laid mine out first. I had a picture of a Venn Diagram in my head, with most of the space intersected, but with each of us having a small piece that was our own. My partner told me that I was taking too much room and to move my rope. I picked it up and waited for her. She laid hers out. I asked permission to overlap and tried to tell her what my vision was- mostly shared space with a little separate. I was really hesitant about asking for shared space, having been told that I had taken too much already. She agreed. We made our venn diagram, and she immediately stepped into my space. The therapist told me to pick up my rope and make my own space. We were supposed to be getting a sense of our individual space. I wasn't liking it at all. I really wanted some shared space. Then he went on to having us practice saying "stop" when he moved towards our space. He had me go first, since I supposedly have so much of an easier time with boundaries. I was supposedly demonstrating for her, since saying "no," especially to men, is so hard for her. So the meat of the exercize focused on her owning her power and enforcing her boundaries. She did some good work, and that's a good thing.

At the end, the therapist asked me about my experience watching her do her work. I admitted that I had multiple things going on. While I was appreciating the work she did setting boundaries with him, I was also struggling with the feelings the beginning of the exercize brought up for me. It was amazing how much this stupid little exercize brought up for each of us. I talked about how I was the one who supposedly had an easier time with boundaries, but that I had let her take the rope out of my hands originally, had picked up and moved my boundary when she didn't like where I put it first, and hadn't enforced my boundary when she deliberately stepped into my space. I confronted what she said about it. It was said in a joking way, but it's really been true in our relationship. She had said to me, "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine."

The therapist helped me identify a big issue and to ask, "is there room for me?" I asked my partner why she stepped over my boundary, and she said that she wanted me to challenge her. I was able to identify that as I'm getting healthier and less enmeshed, I do want at least a little space that's just mine. I told her that I understand her need to test boundaries, but it conflicts with my need to have my boundaries respected. A hell of a lot of work was done with a silly piece of rope. We talked about the fact that I know her internet password, but she doesn't know mine. That was done at her insistence years ago, because she said that if she knew my password, she'd be tempted to read my email without my permission. We agreed to talk about finding a space in our home for each of us that is ours alone.

Meanwhile, as I've entered the world of blogging, I hadn't told her that I'm sharing here. I've hated having a secret, but I also knew that just like she stepped across my boundary as soon as I laid it, that it was quite likely that she'd search for and read my stuff if I told her it existed, and I worried that it would hurt both of us. But, after our session this week, I told her that I had created a space that's mine, here online, and that I wanted her to respect my boundary and not read it unless she's invited. She agreed. I shared the post I wrote on The Write Thought about being in-between. She liked my writing. I am liking not having a big secret. It's scary, though. The trust stakes are high as I'm learning to set, and hopefully she's learning to respect, boundaries.