One step forward and...... FIRED!

My partner and I were conditionally fired from couples therapy last night. Well, actually, SHE was conditionally fired, but since it's pretty difficult to do couple's therapy alone, the effect is the same.

I know she's confused. She has been stepping up lately. She took care of me when I was sick, and she got her step 1 homework completed.

But, she was agonizingly passive aggressive in therapy yesterday throughout the entire session, and the therapist had had enough. He asked how many meetings she's been going to. She had committed to her sponsor to go to 5 a week after the last time she picked up a white chip in the beginning of November. I don't think she has yet to honor that commitment, and she hasn't told her sponsor that she's not doing it. The therapist told her AGAIN that she does her best work in therapy when she's taking good care of herself by going to lots of meetings. He said that he felt like he was in a session with a 6 year old, and he just can't do couples therapy that way. He said that he sees me getting healthier and healthier, and if she doesn't make some changes, he thinks I'll leave her. He said that he won't continue with us unless she goes to 5 meetings a week. She said she'd discuss it with her sponsor. It was hard hearing her not be willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship. It's interesting timing, because she's also been conditionally fired by her individual therapist for a couple of weeks now, because she's been choosing not to submit insurance papers for YEARS!!! She agreed during our 3 hour session with HER therapist not to go back until she'd submitted the paperwork. That was the beginning of December, and she just hasn't gone back.

I'm trying to stay in the moment and take care of me. Last night, our meeting topic was Live and Let Live. After the meeting, I went out with my sponsor and sponsee. I can't make my partner's choices for her. I can only make my OWN choices. Just for today, I'm going to work really hard on keeping the focus on ME!!!

Oh yeah, today

My partner doesn't know my internet password, b/c she admittedly has a hard time with boundaries. She decided long ago that she shouldn't know it b/c she'd be tempted to go in and read my shit. Tonight, she wanted to watch a TV episode online. Stupid me, I thought about logging out of my screenname onto hers, so that she wouldn't go invading my boundaries, but decided that, hell, we're watching together, why bother switching. I'll be right there.

So, as soon as the show's over, she says, "gee, you have 400+ messages, let's look at them." I say, "let's not." So, what does she do? Open my email inbox. First, she says that she just opened the box, she didn't actually read any mail. Then, when I tell her I don't appreciate her doing that when I specifically asked her not to, she says that she had already clicked on it before I said that. When I called her on both lying and invading my boundaries, she admitted to both, and gave me a petulant "sorry."

So now, she's acting like I did something wrong and I'm being punished. I even tried giving her an out by reminding her of a tool we learned in couples therapy- the restitution gift. But instead, she's hiding under the blanket and I won't see her again tonight. Shit!!

What was huge yesterday, what's huge today

This past weekend, we were pet sitting for a friend of mine. I had all kinds of horrow story pics in my head. My partner's dog would eat my friend's dog or some other way it would end badly. So yesterday, I came downstairs and my partner had clipped one of the nails of my friend's dog. It bled for 2 hours. She was just gonna wrap it up and bring the dog back to my friend, who'd have been driving for 6 hours by then. I told her it's not fair to my friend, and that I think she needs to have a say about whether to go to the emergency vet. (Hell, she shoulda had a say BEFPRE my partner took the clippers to my friend's dog, but we're way beyond that now.) Anyway, my partner agreed that my friend needed to be called, but refused to make the call. I was pissed, because she left me holding it. Also frustrated and confused about what's mine and what's not mine. And stressing over my friend's dog being hurt when I was responsible. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

I tried calling a few friends in recovery, but didn't get anyone at the time. I called my friend and left a message for her to call back. Then I was gonna call the emergency vet to see whether we needed to take her in or what we needed to do. I asked my partner if she would either hold my phone in case my friend calls back or call the emergency vet. She agreed to hold my phone. She eventually talked to my friend and took responsiblity. But it had to be such drama to get her to own her shit. Blech.