Julia Cameron keeps talking about me

I'm on the second book in the Artist's Way series. Last week, in week 9, Julia talked about the difference between worry and fear. She says that worry is obsessive and flits from subject to subject, seeking out worst case scenerios. Worry's job is to distract us from what we're really afraid of, according to Cameron. She also says that while most of us are afraid of fear, it's actually a good grounding thing, telling us to do something to take care of ourselves.

Last week, while I was supposed to be reading this chapter, I was busy worrying- worrying that my partner was abusing my kid's narcotic pain meds, worrying that she didn't want to spend any time with me, and creating all kinds of miserable scenerios about going back to work next week. I was a mess. That wonderful friend I was just thanking said to me at one point, "What's wrong with you? You're doing everything wrong!" And she was right. Things were actually going pretty well in my life, but I was using worry to create all kinds of crazies for me all over the place.

This week, Julia's talking about me again. "Nervous, we create dramas to make ourselves more nervous. We announce, "I've been thinking about your character, and I'm not so sure I should trust it. What do you think about that, wife?" " Geesh, was she there in my house when I was codiexploding?

Julia has answers for me, when I choose to listen. This week, she's telling me to keep the drama on the stage, or for me, on the page. She says that when I'm not creating art, I am likely to create unecessary drama in my life. She's also telling me to catch myself a catcher's mitt- a somebody who encourages me, helps me focus, and when necessary, catches my pop flies. I have great catcher's mits in my life. But lately, I'm more likely to call them AFTER the balls are all lost in the field. So for today, I'm committing to writing here and to calling my catcher's mit BEFORE I throw my next ball. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Today's morning pages

Part of my Artist Way class involves writing morning pages- 3 pages of free writing in the mornings. I'm supposed to hand write it, and being the rule-bound person I can be, I'm sticking to that, at least for now. It's been meaning that I've put less energy into writing here. But today, I think I'll copy what I wrote. It's a lesson I keep learning and relearning. For this moment, I think I've got it. Maybe if I put it here, I can at least reference it. Anyway, here are today's morning pages:

Here's my discovery of the moment. I AM being controlling, even though it's not my intention.

I wanted A to not go to Dr. P. It makes sense to me that I would have big feelings about this. And I'm relieved that she made the decision that she did. But it ain't up to me. What is up to me is what I do to take care of myself. My actions are my choice. Like, I could choose to turn him in to the medical board. Or I could choose to detach myself completely from her medical stuff. Or I could chose to end the relationship if it's just too painful for me. I do have choices, and sometimes they're really yucky choices. But what she decides to do is really not my choice.

So, it's the same with not going to work. It's just not my choice whether she goes to work or not.

My feelings are valid and real. I get triggered when she doesn't go to work. It makes sense to me that I'd get triggered. It's a loss of income for me. It also reminds me of really yucky times and it's often a precurser to more yucks. There's also usually much more to the story- omission- which is another trigger for me, b/c it makes it hard to trust.

I am completely powerless over her choices about whether to go to work or not. I've been trying to control this choice, and it's just not mine. I can't get her up and get her to work and keep her there all day. I can't get inside her body and determine what's really going on.

But I do have choices. I can go on with my life and find ways to fill it. I can separate finances if the money thing becomes too intolerable for me. And again, if she continues to make choices that are too damaging for me, I could choose to end the relationship. I can release her with love and hope that she and her higher power get things under control before they become too much for me. I can put the focus back on me. How am I feeling? What do I need to do to take really good care of myself? What I don't need to do is keep trying to manipulate her into changing. It just doesn't work. It's time to stop trying to fix her and start trying to take care of me.

Declaring my Intention: Reading Diet

Given the fact that many of you are like me who assumes when somebody disappears that I did something to make them go, I am declaring my intention.

Some of you may know that along with my 36 steps, I've now picked up a tradition study (thank you, Scout) and now a group book study of The Artist's Way. Our task this week is to go on a 1 week reading deprivation. I'm not willing to do a total deprivation, but I will try to do a week's worth of Reading Diet. I'm supposed to spend a week not reading anything. That's supposed to include the newspaper, work or school related readings. I guess the concept is that I'm supposed to free up time and fill it creatively. My intention is to give up reading blogs for a week along with books and any other print. I'm not planning on giving up email, so you can reach me that way if you want. I hope I'm going to increase my writing during this time, so hopefully you'll see me return to writing here. Since I'm choosing not to give up email, I'll get comments and I'll write back if I know your email addy. (Look at me, breaking a rule. JW, are ya proud?) I'd like to spend more time on the phone this week, so if I have your phone number, don't be surprised if you get a call this week.