Heart Troubles

My partner spent the night in the hospital on the Chest Pain Unit Tuesday night. She started having this pain during therapy (surprise!) A few hours later, after successfully completing a CPR class, she told the instructor about her pain, and he recommended that she go to the hospital.

This is not the first time we've gone through this. Each time, they run her through a series of tests, and each time they clear her to go home. I thought I handled things pretty well during the time. I wasn't overly anxious and I didn't completely detach to the point of ignoring the symptoms which may have been life threatening, although they have never been before. Our therapist strongly encouraged her to call her doctor when she started having symptoms during our session. She refused, and I left it alone. When we completed the CPR class, I suggested that she tell her symptoms to the instructor. When he suggested we go to the ER, I took her. When she decided that she didn't like the smell of the first ER and wanted to go somewhere else, I did what she asked. (Even though by that point it had been more than 4 hours since she'd first started having symptoms. If it WAS a heart attack, she probably would have been dead by then.)

Afterwards, I asked for permission to give her feedback, and when she gave it to me, I suggested that she give her doctor and therapist permission to communicate with each other. I also suggested that she might want to ask her therapist to help her with some body work to maybe work through whatever it is that keeps bringing her back to this place. I even told her the next day how I was feeling- unappreciated and unimportant. She acknowledged that she hadn't thanked me for being there for her through the ordeal and that she did just expect me to do something for her rather than saying please. She said that she was being self-centered, but that if she ever were really dying, she wasn't going to say please and thank you.

The following day I was hovering on tears. I don't know if it was just exhaustion or if I had some unprocessed feelings left. I'm kind of beating myself up for being frustrated with the time and money involved in these hospital stays that never find anything. It's also scary though to think that there could ever come a time when I'd ignore the whole thing and it might actually BE a heart attack and I'd be responsible for her death. A friend in recovery reminded me that I came by these feelings rightly, and that my partner could actually call 911 if she ever really thought she was having a heart attack and I wasn't responding.

I sure wish she'd sort this stuff out though. I'm getting tired!