Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fired! Redux

Interesting times. This spring I was terminated and then unfired. I'd just gotten my legs back under me again. We even bought an expensive new (to us) vehicle on Tuesday. Then yesterday, my partner was fired. Not laid off. Actually fired.

It seems that while she had a part, it really was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to her termination. Even her boss appeared to be sorry that she had no other option. My partner has grown a lot in this position and seems to have learned what she needed to learn there. It really was time for her to move on, and now that will have to happen. I'm really proud of how she handled herself yesterday. And I'm proud of how we handled it together. I called a program friend before talking to my partner, and she gave me my talking orders- I could only say things that were "loving, necessary, and true." I think I did that. And I'm amazed at how we got through what could have been an even tougher day together.

I'm also really scared. It's not the best time to try to be searching for employment, especially with a recent firing. And there's the matter of the expensive new-ish car we just bought. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me. But, I guess God has some new lessons in store for both of us.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Let's talk about sex, baby!

Physical intimacy is a struggle in our relationship. Well, no, that's not exactly right. We can be awesome cuddlers. And my partner would be willing to provide me with sexual pleasure any time and then jump up and go off and mow the lawn or clean the house or do her nails in another room or whatever. But mutual sexual intimacy is a struggle in our relationship.

It makes sense. She's got all kinds of baggage that makes it really hard for her. It doesn't make it easy.

Last week, we tried addressing it in couple's therapy. She came up with a plan- date night, which was to be Friday night. She's expressed excitement about it for days. We got started and then she told me she had a headache. She sobbed about disappointing me, and let me in on some of the baggage that gets in the way. She said that the longer it is between times, the harder it gets. Again, that makes sense, but doesn't make it easy.

Here's what's going on for me. I'm learning to shut myself off again physically. Before my partner came along, I thought I was asexual. What sucks is that I've discovered that I really am a sexual being. I learned that from my partner. There was a time in our relationshp where we had a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I really don't understand what's changed. It's hard not to take it personally. My head knows it's not about me. My body has hard time catching up.

And speaking of my body having a hard time catching up, it's had quite the roller coaster ride Friday evening. I HAVE learned to shut down. So Friday, I'm busy telling me that it's ok to let myself get excited. Tonight's gonna be the night. Well, maybe. Follow through is not always my addict's best subject. No, R, stay in the moment. She's been talking about it for days, and she's been touching me earlier with hints of what's to come. She asked me to draw her a bath. It's ok. I can relax and go with it. We get started and I think it's really a go. But then. BAM! Not tonight dear, I've got a headache.

The good news is that I was really able to process my feelings about it with her last night. I was able not to blame her or shame her but to let her in about how it affects me. And she was able to comfort me. We're working through it. We're not there yet, but communicating about it is a huge step forward.