In my naranon circles, people often share that when they travel, their addicts typically relapse. Apparently, I'm not immune to this trend.
I talked to my partner last night, who shared, among other things, that she got into our medicine lockbox and found a loose pill and took it. She said that she told her sponsor right away and picked up a white chip. I started out with the politically correct feelings of gratitude that she caught it early and that she's doing the things she needs to do to take care of herself. But later in the conversation, which got more and more convoluted, she shared that what she'd taken was something that was prescribed for me for sleep. She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it. I feel not good enough. I just don't have it in me to play one more round of that particular game today.
Meanwhile, I'm having all kinds of complicated feelings about her taking this particular pill. I know that she wasn't purposely doing this TO me, but I find myself feeling ambushed. It's yet another area of my life where it didn't occur to me not to feel safe. One of my dearest friends in naranon uses the analogy of "please don't shit in the sink." Somehow, I'm supposed to know every condition under which my addict might use and set boundaries (oh yeah, and play the invade the boundary game) around it.
I'm also playing the "it's not bad enough for me to be having these feelings" game. It WAS one pill. She DID tell her sponsor immediately. The other people in my naranon circle deal with much bigger relapses. But my truth is, it's big for ME. She took what was mine, and gave me one more trigger to have to work through. I'm GodDamned tired of working through triggers where her actions, whether intentionally or not, HURT ME!! And I just don't have the energy to invest in this bullshit right now. I've got bigger things on my plate.
Which brings me to the "I don't want to go home" game. My original plan was to leave this morning, but I just didn't want to. I guess the good news is that I have a bit of time. I can take the weekend, talk to my sponsor, figure out a plan that works for me. Hell, I can even hit a few naranon meetings in this town I find myself in today. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I DO go home, that promise will be true for me- We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. Please, God!
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4 comments:
Hugs, R. I know you already know this, but how you feel matters. If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal. You're in my thoughts and prayers, lovely lady.
I like how you started out with the 'politically correct' response. Isn't that just so codie of us? I'm sorry you had to cross all these bridges - again. I, too, am tiring of his addictness, and he's not even relapsing.
That's sucky, R. Travel (my own or my husband's) is such a huge trigger for me.
And I'm sorry I wasn't working hard enough or doing well enough to respond to your summons tonight. I will e-mail you. Muah!
R - I'm so sorry. It still bothers me when B explains how my actions or inactions "led to his developing a mind state that in turn, led to a relapse or acting out." To me, that feels like he is asking me to take responsibility for his actions. On top of that, I get to realize again that in active addiction and sometimes even in recovery, B will choose his addiction above all else. That hurts. I know its not about me - but that's not always easy to internalize.
You do have a right to your feelings. Like Margaux said: if it’s a big deal to you, then it’s a big deal.
Not sure if my story relates to your situation - but I am so sorry for what you're going through.
~Mae
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