Codies AND Addicts: our meeting of 2

We've been travelling together. Night before last we tried to find meetings and got lost. So, like we did once before, we decided to have our own meeting, this time on the beach. It was really an awesome experience. Somehow, the formality of doing readings, choosing a topic, and not cross talking is really magical for us. Since it's been on my mind a lot lately, I chose the topic of what codies and addicts have in common. I started out sharing some of the stuff I talked about here, but as we went back and forth taking turns, we came up with a lot more. She shared that she thinks that both often come from backgrounds where we didn't get our needs met, though it may be less obvious in a codie's background. We talked about the vulnerability we both share. We talked about the fact that we both have to work the same steps and work through our own character defects. We talked about how for both, it's easier to look at the other person's character defects than to focus on our own. We talked about why the cycle seems to start out for each of us chasing and getting a high from our own behavior but why it ends up going south. She shared that the addict pulls in more and more as he or she is chasing that high, and that the codie chases the addict (our drug of choice). It makes sense to me. It used to work that I'd get all my needs of feeling important and belonging by taking care of her and her wanting to be taken care of. Then, as she isolated more and more with her drugs, I kept trying to pursue to get those good feeling while she was busy trying to withdraw. I wish I hadn't waited two days to post this, b/c there was a lot more that I'm not remembering now. But it was a GREAT meeting! And I'm really grateful.

Connections

Today has been a great day!

I started off the day volunteering with my partner at a Therapeutic Horseback Riding program. It's a great place for us. She loves the horses. I love working with the kids with special needs. We get exercize, we get to be outdoors, we both get our needs met, and it's a far cry from how we used to spend Saturday mornings with her isolating and me obsessing about her isolating.

Then, she went off to an NA conference, and I went to my 12 step writing workshop. We were sharing about common behavior characteristics. It was really good for me to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable, and then to hear others share stories that are so remarkably like mine. I was able to get and give validation and empathy. I was even able to share some of my crazy obsessive thoughts and hear that I'm not alone.

I almost left without sticking around for the Naranon meeting that followed. I'm so glad I stayed. The leader for the night shared about his desire to work a 4th step, but how stuck he feels and how he has no idea how to go about finding a sponsor, particularly when there are no males in our group who have completed the steps. I shared some of my experience, strength and hope. I talked about tools I'd used to work step 4, and about how a group of us had co-sponsored each other in a writing workshop in early recovery. When I got home, there was a message on my voicemail from the guy who led tonight's meeting. He said that after hearing me share, he and another guy in the room exchanged phone numbers. He said they talked for over an hour tonight, and learned all kinds of things they have in common and they agreed to co-sponsor each other. He said that he's heard "don't be alone, use the phone" at the end of each of his meetings, but he'd never reached out and used the phone until today, after hearing me share. He told me he appreciates me and what I contribute to the group. Heady stuff for this codie!!

Then, it was off to the county fair with my partner. I'd heard about the fair in my 12-step study, and it was great to have a date on a Saturday night with my partner. Since she's doing 90 in 90, we don't get to go out much in the evenings. We ate ourselves silly and just got to spend easy, nice, time together.

Finally, I came home, and was checking out blogs. I've been recently reading the blog MPJ shares at Two Women Blogging. Jay, her blog partner, had shared earlier this week about one of the torah readings for the Jewish New Year, and the feelings of loss it brings up for her. I commented about some of my experiences with loss as a foster parent, but was busy beating myself up about sharing that. How could my pain compare to hers? I'm only a foster parent. Then, in today's blog, she shared about how much she was helped by hearing MY story!! Not only was my story and my experience "good enough," but she said that it helped her process her own grief. Wow!!! This connectedness stuff feels GOOD!!

Oh, and to top it all off, I think I finally get how to put links in posts thanks to JW helping me after my rant on the Write Thought.

Yep, it's been a great day!!