All my big scaries

In the last couple of weeks, I've had to confront all of my big scaries. I started to name them, but to protect anonymity, I won't be too specific. You can insert your own big scary here. Mostly it's involved someone I love trying desperately not to deal with feelings and using maladaptive coping mechanisms to do so. Because of that, I had to deal with my biggest scary of all scaries- abandonment, and in two permutations. And you know what? I'm ok. I have an amazing support system, people who will call out of the blue when I'm not ok, people who will listen for hours and hours, and people who on a moments notice will say "of course you can show up for the holiday." And I'm getting the opportunity to remember something. I will NEVER abandon me. My higher power will never abandon me. I can use my adaptive coping skills, whether or not the people in my life choose to. On this Thanksgiving eve, I have things to be truly grateful for. Thanks, God!!

My Word- 2009 Edition

It was interesting looking back to see my word of 2008. I didn't do such a great job of keeping it in my head as a focus, but I think I did do a good job of practicing self-care anyway. This was the year I bought myself my own fucking Hallmark Card. I got much better at using the phone tool. I participated in an Artist's Way book study, which included dating myself through Artist Dates, Morning Pages, and even a Reading Diet. I got better at using affirmations. I got a really cool self-nurturing tool in therapy last week that I haven't posted about yet, but it's turned into a cool way to end one year and start the next.

It's interesting to look back sometimes and see patterns AND growth. When I went back to see my word for 08, I got to look again at how it started for me. My partner and I went through a dance last night around new years that, in looking back, was very similar to last years. She wanted to isolate. I didn't. She was sick. But, instead of pouting, I chose to practice self-care. I went to figure out what I could do with my own self for new years. I decided that I'd take myself to see fireworks. My partner didn't like the idea of me spending the new year without her. The new behavior we both practiced was working through it together and coming up with something we could both live with. We decided to go to our local NA holiday meeting marathon together. Starting the new year with recovery felt like a good thing.

Hmmm. Recovery, maybe that can be my word. It kind of encompasses everything I've thought about and everything that's important to me today. God's already taken. I thought about gratitude, because I find that my life works better when I focus on the stuff I have to be grateful about. When I started this post, my word was gonna be Steps. I just finished step 12 with one online writing workshop this week. We finished with the 12 step exercise, which is always so powerful for me when I remember to use it.

I'm starting a new online Step Study focusing on my compulsive overeating. We're gonna do one step a month, so I'm excited that this one will take me right through this year.

So, I think I will choose Recovery as my word this year. That encompasses God, the Steps, and Gratitude. Happy New Year!

Recovery Meme

The Junky's Wife tagged me for a recovery meme.

Here's the rules:


Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
Post these rules on your blog.
List seven things you're grateful to have learned in recovery.
Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

1) I'm grateful to have really come to understand the concept that addiction is a disease. The first time this made sense to me was in a multifamily group. The presenter asked if any of us in the room had allergies, and I raised my hand. He looked at me and said, "you weak little shit. I can be around pollen and my eyes don't swell or turn red or itch and my nose doesn't run. What the hell is wrong with you?!?" It was the first time I was able to get that it wasn't about strength of character or willpower, it was about whether or not somebody is allergic.

2) I'm grateful to have learned that I'm not greater than or less than anyone else. (OK, so that's one of the one's I'm still working on.) I don't have to be, in fact, I'm not expected to be perfect. And nobody else is either. Even my addict. I'm grateful to know that this program is about progress, not perfection.

3) I'm grateful to be learning that it's not about me. It has especially helped me to get to know people on "the other side of the street." When I watch other people I care about, but am not intimately involved with, struggle in the same way that my partner does, it's much easier to get that it really, truly, ain't about me.

4) I'm grateful to be learning about me- my wants, my needs, my feelings. Sometimes, like last week, I have to tantrum to figure out what's going on inside of me. But sssssssslllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwllllllyyyyyyy, I'm learning who I am. And I'm learning to speak up for what I want.

5) I'm grateful to have learned the Intentional Dialogue. Ok, so this one didn't come from recovery, but it did come THROUGH recovery. I'm grateful to be learning how to give and receive validation and empathy, and to see more and more that when we are struggling the most, we're coming from the same place.

6) I'm grateful to have learned that I'm dreadfully ordinary. It's comical and comforting when the truths I agonize about are mirrored by my friends in recovery. Nothing that I'm experiencing is new or unusual. Somewhere, in my recovery world, I have friends who have been there, done that, and can help me through it.

7) I'm grateful to have learned that there are recovery programs for ME that can help me get through experiences I need to get through. I used to "help" people by taking them to AA. I learned about Adult Children of Alcoholics, and though there's no alcoholism in my family of origin that I know of, knew that I fit many of the criteria. Then, when I really needed it, I found CoDA. Years, later, when I found myself in the throes of the family disease of addiction, I found Naranon. And for that, I'm truly grateful.

OK, tag, you're it:

A Family in Recovery
Married to an Addict
The Hurting Heart
Erin
The Discovering Alcoholic
Tania Marie
mantramine

not going

We were supposed to be travelling this weekend to be at the unveiling of my grandmother's tombstone. Meanwhile, my stepdaughter's wedding is this week, and we have lots to do to get ready. And I'm still in the middle of the "am I being displaced at work" crisis of 07. I've been agonizing back and forth about whether to travel for the unveiling. My partner has been really supportive about it overall, and has been committed to going, in spite of all that's going on in both of our worlds. I know that she really didn't want to go, especially this weekend, and that she was suiting up and showing up for me in a major and significant way. We were finally packed and ready to go at 10pm last night for a 5 hour trip. I was carrying suitcases to the car, and decided that it really wasn't a good idea for us to go. We just have way too much going on in both of our lives right now. I know it was the right decision. We're both relieved. I know my grandmother will understand. Honestly, I'm glad it was me who decided not to go. I'm grateful that my partner was willing, even though it was putting a lot of pressure on her. It was a huge gift that she was willing to give me. Tomorrow, I'll say a prayer for my grandmother. Today, in the midst of all that's going on in our lives, I will express my gratitude.

Connections

Today has been a great day!

I started off the day volunteering with my partner at a Therapeutic Horseback Riding program. It's a great place for us. She loves the horses. I love working with the kids with special needs. We get exercize, we get to be outdoors, we both get our needs met, and it's a far cry from how we used to spend Saturday mornings with her isolating and me obsessing about her isolating.

Then, she went off to an NA conference, and I went to my 12 step writing workshop. We were sharing about common behavior characteristics. It was really good for me to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable, and then to hear others share stories that are so remarkably like mine. I was able to get and give validation and empathy. I was even able to share some of my crazy obsessive thoughts and hear that I'm not alone.

I almost left without sticking around for the Naranon meeting that followed. I'm so glad I stayed. The leader for the night shared about his desire to work a 4th step, but how stuck he feels and how he has no idea how to go about finding a sponsor, particularly when there are no males in our group who have completed the steps. I shared some of my experience, strength and hope. I talked about tools I'd used to work step 4, and about how a group of us had co-sponsored each other in a writing workshop in early recovery. When I got home, there was a message on my voicemail from the guy who led tonight's meeting. He said that after hearing me share, he and another guy in the room exchanged phone numbers. He said they talked for over an hour tonight, and learned all kinds of things they have in common and they agreed to co-sponsor each other. He said that he's heard "don't be alone, use the phone" at the end of each of his meetings, but he'd never reached out and used the phone until today, after hearing me share. He told me he appreciates me and what I contribute to the group. Heady stuff for this codie!!

Then, it was off to the county fair with my partner. I'd heard about the fair in my 12-step study, and it was great to have a date on a Saturday night with my partner. Since she's doing 90 in 90, we don't get to go out much in the evenings. We ate ourselves silly and just got to spend easy, nice, time together.

Finally, I came home, and was checking out blogs. I've been recently reading the blog MPJ shares at Two Women Blogging. Jay, her blog partner, had shared earlier this week about one of the torah readings for the Jewish New Year, and the feelings of loss it brings up for her. I commented about some of my experiences with loss as a foster parent, but was busy beating myself up about sharing that. How could my pain compare to hers? I'm only a foster parent. Then, in today's blog, she shared about how much she was helped by hearing MY story!! Not only was my story and my experience "good enough," but she said that it helped her process her own grief. Wow!!! This connectedness stuff feels GOOD!!

Oh, and to top it all off, I think I finally get how to put links in posts thanks to JW helping me after my rant on the Write Thought.

Yep, it's been a great day!!

I got a lovenote today!

A platonic lovenote, but a lovenote nonetheless. It was an email from a dear friend from college. I'm not going to say how long ago college was, but suffice it to say that there have been more years since we became friends than there are years before we became friends. I can't say how long it's been since the last time we've talked, but we're the kind of friends where literally years can go by and we can pick up and be right there for/ with each other agan at any time. So, the top of this moment's gratitude list is a surprise lovenote from a dear, dear friend.

Here's my lovenote:

Quote:

I thought of you today and smiled. (Of course, I think of you often; even if I don’t reach out to touch you, you are in my mind all the time.)



Anyway, I got a pedicure over the weekend and picked a fun, bright, summery color that somehow called to me. This morning I was looking at my glimmering toes and suddenly made the connection: the last time I had this color nail polish, we were getting ready for C’s wedding and found a color that exactly matched her bridesmaid dresses! Remember that bright, sparkling magenta we wore? That’s the exact color on my toes this week. J OPI calls it “Ladies and Magenta-men.” (I get a kick out of the names…)



I remember sitting with you and C by the side of a swimming pool (at the hotel?) and doing all our nails. It was hot and we were with friends. It’s such a strong snapshot of a memory, even after all these years. The image hit me like a bus this morning and I’ve been carrying it with me all day.



I just had to share the smile and let you know you are always, always in my thoughts. You and I have so much common history and understanding, from such a formative time in our lives. And that persists, even across gaps in our contact.



I wanted to tell you how much I love you.

J

Endquote


Lucky, lucky, lucky loved me!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Would somebody please tell me the right way to quote in a blog. I keep getting error messages when I try. Or is my HP trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to be putting words in here that are not mine. I'm so confused. OY!