Tuesday, January 1, 2008

My word

Questionair and MPJ have been sharing about picking a word to focus on for the year. After thinking about it for a bit (and codiexploding at midnight last night) I've decided that my word is self-care. I am responsible for my codiexplosion last night. I spent the day feeling unimportant. I had all kinds of reasons that were all about how I was interpreting my partner's behaviors of the day as rejections of me. Instead of taking care of myself by sharing how I was feeling and expressing my own desires, I kept pushing the feeling down and finding more and more reason to feel unimportant. By midnight, my partner had misjudged the time and was in the bathroom and I was laying in bed working hard at not feeling what I was feeling. Of course we all know how well that works. So I started my new year off exactly the way I didn't want to, and I know it was my doing. I tried asking for a do-over. But by then, she wasn't feeling well, I'd already sobbed about how unimportant I was feeling, and she'd taken her medication for the night. Needless to say, I didn't end up feeling more important after my do-over. I had bought some sparkling cranberry juice to ring in the new year. My partner told me that she doesn't like cranberry and that she thinks it's silly to use a substitute for alcohol. While that makes sense to me, I still felt incomplete after she went to sleep. So, I decided to have a second do-over, just with me, and toasted the new year and myself and my new word, self-care, all by myself. Happy New Year.


Mantramine said...

"Laying in bed working hard at not feeling what I was feeling"

I love that. It is the 'sometimes' story of my life. I have a really good work ethic when it comes to that.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I'm with Mantra "Laying in bed working hard at not feeling what I was feeling" sys it for me too.

Yay self-care! I am finding that happiness is working out well for me. I had an interesting internal dialog last night with part of myself that felt I didn't "deserve" to be happy. Interesting to find -- and shout down with my happiness! ;)

thejunkyswife said...

Self care is a good one. I'm sorry the New Year started off kind of crappy, but I'm glad you got a do-over and were able to celebrate with you. And I think sparkling cranberry juice sounds wonderful and healthy.