powerlessness and confusion

There's this behavior that she does that makes me crazy. What she does hurts her physically in the moment. It hurts me emotionally over the long haul, as long as I allow it to, I guess. I know it's not about me. I know my reaction makes it worse. I have huge feelings around it though, and telling myself that I shouldn't have the feelings doesn't make them go away.

I know in my head that nothing I do or don't do is going to make her stop. I have these thoughts that she shouldn't do this behavior, because she knows it hurts me. If she really loved me, she'd stop. I know the thoughts aren't rational.

Last night, I used my tools. I called friends in recovery. One told me to pray for her, pray for me, read my literature, and do something for me. I decided to take a bath. I went looking for matches to light candles, and found Codependency literature instead. It was good stuff, and stuff I needed to read. That keeps happening lately.

Tonight, the reminders were still there, in my face, and so were the feelings and the irrational thoughts. She asked me if I was mad. I told her I'm not mad. I also told her that it really doesn't matter what I feel. What I do feel, though, is hopeless and helpless. It's not about me. It affects me. I have absolutely NO power to change it. Yuck!!!

Another friend in recovery reminded me that I keep getting lessons when I choose not to get them the first time. I know that's true. But, going back to my God struggle, I can't believe that God would choose to make either one or both of us hurt because I'm not learning a lesson fast enough.

This muddle isn't getting any clearer through writing, so I'm just gonna stop.