Baby Steps vs. Do Nothing

One of the things we talked about in our naranon meeting last night was baby steps. Many of us shared the feeling of getting overwhelmed and becoming immobilized. A few members shared about taking one small action and letting momentum carry us forward.

I'm in a pretty overwhelmed place right now. I have more to do than I think is possible to accomplish at work. I've taken on a new sponsor, who's given me step 1 homework. My online step group is on step 3, which we're committed to finish by the end of the month, and I've only completed one question. I asked for and was given words to write about by Jay. I was asked to take on a major leadership role in a local nonprofit organization. And that's just part of my overwhelm.

This morning, I started thinking about the slogan "Do Nothing." It's carried me through some hard times when I wanted to react out to my addict. But today, I'm realizing, that I need to look at the slogans "Do Nothing" and "Baby Steps" and apply them in conjunction with the serenity prayer. When what I'm stressing about is not mine, the best thing to do is "Do Nothing." But, when what I'm stressing about is mine alone, my best strategy is to take a baby step. I need to take one day, one task, or one minute at a time, but put my energy into what I CAN do rather than stressing over the possibility that I can't. In both situations, I need to work on trust.

So, I'm off to work to get something accomplished on my "to-do list." And meanwhile, I just realized that I've just taken a baby step on my homework from Jay. I just had a moment of clarity!

Thanks for listening.

Spiritual Fanny Pack

My sponsee shared this great reading today about trust. I'm pasting it below this post. I can't give credit, b/c I really don't know where it came from.

I have a new child who came into my life yesterday who came with a laundry list of diagnoses. One of the diagnoses is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD.) One of the common behaviors of RAD kids is hoarding, b/c they have been deprived and don't feel that they will be provided with enough food to eat. One of the interventions that's used sometimes is to give them a fanny pack of food that they can keep with them, and keep restocking it when it's empty.

When I read the reading below, I realized that I've been hoarding when it comes to control, and that what I need is a spiritual fanny pack. The truth is that I already have this spiritual fanny pack, and I carry it with me. It's always accessible if I reach for it, and it's always stocked.

My sponsor tells me all the time that I should pray to turn fear to faith, and I'm sssssllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwlllllly coming to understand just what that means. Just for today, I'm going to trust that I already have everything I need. There's no need to hoard control, b/c I have a never ending supply in my spiritual fanny pack.

Here's the reading. Enjoy!

"CONTROLLING VERSUS TRUST
There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Anonymous

Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.

We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.

We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.

We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.

We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.

We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.

We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.

We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.

Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.

The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.

Trust, my friend, in today.

Just for today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through, today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow."

Here we go again

My partner brought up the idea again of going back to our former doctor last night. She's actually being very reasonable and accomodating about it and I'm being certifiably crazy. She said that she's ultimately responsible for her medical decisions and that it's her responsiblity to check out what's being prescribed to make sure it's safe for her. She said that she'd like to go together to see the former doc, and that she'd sign a new release allowing me total access to the doctor. IF I didn't trust her, she said I'd have full permission to check things out with him directly. She said that we'd make an agreement up front that she is not to be prescribed narcotics unless it's a last resort. She said that what happened was her fault, since she lied to the doctor and that we didn't give him a fair chance. She said that she really trusts him and that he's a much better doctor than the one we've been going to lately.

Almost all of what she's saying makes sense logically, but I just get completely crazy over the idea of either of us going back to this man. I feel sooooo betrayed by him. Just the idea of him is traumatizing to me at this point. I don't really get why my feelings are sooooooo big around this, but they clearly are.

Yet again, I'm having this huge war within myself. On the one hand,I feel really hurt that she keeps bringing this option up. Every time I get completely triggered and end up a total mess and she tells me she gets it and promises not to go back to him and not to bring it up again, but then she brings it up again and I completely lose it again. At this point, it feels like she keeps retraumatizing me. But then again, I don't want her to keep what she's thinking and feeling from me.

I don't know. It's late. I'm a mess.

my former doctor

I'm really struggling again lately with trust issues surrounding my former family physician. I've always thought that he's a really good man and an excellent diagnostician. When my partner first told me about her addiction struggle, she told me that she'd been taking the pain pills for over a year and that she didn't even remember what they were originally prescribed for. She told me that she often took them to "deal with" a child in our home and that she hid the pills from me. She said that she was really scared, because her father was an alcoholic, and she knows addiction runs in her family. She said that she was taking substantially more than what was prescribed, that she kept asking for (AND GETTING) refills sooner and sooner, and that she had to sometimes pay cash for them because insurance wouldn't pay for them. She said that she'd tried to stop on numerous occasions, but couldn't. She asked me if I would hold her pills for her so that she could wean herself down.

I told her that I could not hold her pills for her, because it would be unhealthy for me, and that I could not be the sole keeper of this information for the same reason. I told her that I'd like for us to go together to see our doctor, who'd been prescribing the meds. I asked her to go to the pharmacy and get a printout of what she'd taken in the last year, which she did. We brought the printout to the doctor and, with much prompting, she shared with him all of what she'd shared with me.

The doctor told us that it was ok, that some patients used prescription narcotics all of their lives and that he was currently using them for his back. He suggested weaning her off and LITERALLLY patted me on the head and told me "it's not so bad."

After he left, my partner burst into tears and said that she thought he was going to send her to rehab. I wanted to believe our doctor, and I did. I convinced myself that I'd been overreacting. Meanwhile, my partner used substantially more than he prescribed in the first few days, and decided pretty quickly to reach out for help again. She was told to check herself into detox, and she did.

I've felt really betrayed by this doctor. I can maybe understand him being careless with how often she was getting refills, and she freely admits that she lied to him about symptoms, but I spelled it out for him and had her bring him a copy of what she'd been taking, and he still blew us off. My partner says that it was her doing, and she really trusts him. We argued for a long time about going back to him, and she finally agreed to go to a new doctor. I told her that I had trusted him with what's most important in the world to me, and that I feel like he betrayed my trust. She also acknowledged that part of her wondered if he'd give her pain pills again.

That was over a year ago. I've struggled with whether to confront him, because, at best, I think he was ignorant and other patients might be struggling with addiction without his knowledge. I wonder if there's denial going on on his part, and part of me wonders if he's got his own addiction struggles. I get overwhelmed, though, and do nothing, other than working out an agreement with my partner that we'd change practices and find a new doctor. In the last month or so, the issue has come up twice. She's not feeling confident in our new doctor's skills and really wants to go back to the old one. I do think that the old doctor is probably a much better diagnostician (in every area other than addiction) than the new one. I don't know if I could (or should) try to work through my issues with him. And I'm feeling guilty for not confronting him, because I do wonder if my not speaking up might have kept others from getting help.

I'm really struggling with being able to trust my own judgement. It was really such a blow because I trusted this doctor so much for so many years, and when he literally physically patted me on the head and told me that it wasn't so bad, it was like he was telling me that I don't really know what I know. Then, when my partner keeps saying that she wants to go back to him and that she trusts him more than the new doc, I start feeling all crazy again. I start thinking that maybe I should turn myself inside out again and agree to go back to him, or at least tell her that it's ok with me if she doesn't honor our agreement not to.

My big questions are about trust- Can I trust me? Could I or should I try to work through my trust issues with the doctor? But then, the related question is if I do trust me, what do I do about it? I've never seen him since the day he patted me on the head, and I've never addressed directly or indirectly what I think he did wrong. I thought about reporting him to the state licensing board at the time, but I didn't trust me enough to do it. I don't want to destroy the man's career. I would like to do what I can to bring about growth/education/change. It's feeling very similar to the struggle I've faced when considering reporting possible child abuse. But at least I know that system. I don't know anything about the state licensing board or any other way I could encourage this man to respond differently the next time he's faced with possible addiction. Input is welcome.