Saturday, December 15, 2007

my former doctor

I'm really struggling again lately with trust issues surrounding my former family physician. I've always thought that he's a really good man and an excellent diagnostician. When my partner first told me about her addiction struggle, she told me that she'd been taking the pain pills for over a year and that she didn't even remember what they were originally prescribed for. She told me that she often took them to "deal with" a child in our home and that she hid the pills from me. She said that she was really scared, because her father was an alcoholic, and she knows addiction runs in her family. She said that she was taking substantially more than what was prescribed, that she kept asking for (AND GETTING) refills sooner and sooner, and that she had to sometimes pay cash for them because insurance wouldn't pay for them. She said that she'd tried to stop on numerous occasions, but couldn't. She asked me if I would hold her pills for her so that she could wean herself down.

I told her that I could not hold her pills for her, because it would be unhealthy for me, and that I could not be the sole keeper of this information for the same reason. I told her that I'd like for us to go together to see our doctor, who'd been prescribing the meds. I asked her to go to the pharmacy and get a printout of what she'd taken in the last year, which she did. We brought the printout to the doctor and, with much prompting, she shared with him all of what she'd shared with me.

The doctor told us that it was ok, that some patients used prescription narcotics all of their lives and that he was currently using them for his back. He suggested weaning her off and LITERALLLY patted me on the head and told me "it's not so bad."

After he left, my partner burst into tears and said that she thought he was going to send her to rehab. I wanted to believe our doctor, and I did. I convinced myself that I'd been overreacting. Meanwhile, my partner used substantially more than he prescribed in the first few days, and decided pretty quickly to reach out for help again. She was told to check herself into detox, and she did.

I've felt really betrayed by this doctor. I can maybe understand him being careless with how often she was getting refills, and she freely admits that she lied to him about symptoms, but I spelled it out for him and had her bring him a copy of what she'd been taking, and he still blew us off. My partner says that it was her doing, and she really trusts him. We argued for a long time about going back to him, and she finally agreed to go to a new doctor. I told her that I had trusted him with what's most important in the world to me, and that I feel like he betrayed my trust. She also acknowledged that part of her wondered if he'd give her pain pills again.

That was over a year ago. I've struggled with whether to confront him, because, at best, I think he was ignorant and other patients might be struggling with addiction without his knowledge. I wonder if there's denial going on on his part, and part of me wonders if he's got his own addiction struggles. I get overwhelmed, though, and do nothing, other than working out an agreement with my partner that we'd change practices and find a new doctor. In the last month or so, the issue has come up twice. She's not feeling confident in our new doctor's skills and really wants to go back to the old one. I do think that the old doctor is probably a much better diagnostician (in every area other than addiction) than the new one. I don't know if I could (or should) try to work through my issues with him. And I'm feeling guilty for not confronting him, because I do wonder if my not speaking up might have kept others from getting help.

I'm really struggling with being able to trust my own judgement. It was really such a blow because I trusted this doctor so much for so many years, and when he literally physically patted me on the head and told me that it wasn't so bad, it was like he was telling me that I don't really know what I know. Then, when my partner keeps saying that she wants to go back to him and that she trusts him more than the new doc, I start feeling all crazy again. I start thinking that maybe I should turn myself inside out again and agree to go back to him, or at least tell her that it's ok with me if she doesn't honor our agreement not to.

My big questions are about trust- Can I trust me? Could I or should I try to work through my trust issues with the doctor? But then, the related question is if I do trust me, what do I do about it? I've never seen him since the day he patted me on the head, and I've never addressed directly or indirectly what I think he did wrong. I thought about reporting him to the state licensing board at the time, but I didn't trust me enough to do it. I don't want to destroy the man's career. I would like to do what I can to bring about growth/education/change. It's feeling very similar to the struggle I've faced when considering reporting possible child abuse. But at least I know that system. I don't know anything about the state licensing board or any other way I could encourage this man to respond differently the next time he's faced with possible addiction. Input is welcome.

4 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

No specific input, but I can sympathize with the feelings. It reminds me of how I felt around my husband's ex-boss, who said he was taking his (male) employees to dinner, then surprised them by taking to a strip club as a business outing and then pressured them to drink alcohol and get lap dances. He told them it was ok, he did it all the time, they just shouldn't tell their partners. Um, great situation for an alcoholic or a sex addict, right?

This was a person in a position of authority who was rationalizing addictive behavior for people -- telling them it was ok, that he did it too.

I was so angry around that. I thought about making an issue of it, possibly suing, to protect other people who came into the job situation after, but in the end, it didn't seem the right thing for our family. But I still say that if I ever meet that guy, I'm going to kick him in the balls.

Jay said...

You're not crazy. You're right.

You're also not responsible for anyone else's decisions, but you already know that.

Wish I lived in your state - then I could report him. And I would. This kind of thing is why I have the DEA looking over my shoulder when I give legit scrips for narcotics.

Chloe said...

Have you checked his record online with the NCMB? Maybe someone already has reported him. (It's free to check him out..go to www.ncmedboard.org & punch in his name.
Also keep in mind, not that it makes it any better..that the majority of doctors have only heard of addiction and that's about all they know about it! I think I saw in JW's post a while back an article relating to that.
I could tell when I took my husband to see his doctor when he first starting using that this was the case. We left the office with a "Good luck with that" and a page full of phone #'s to call.

Tara G. said...

Hi!

I found your blog and am really impressed. I contribute to an addiction recovery blog and would love to interview you to talk about your partner's journey with addiction and your experiences as a loved one. I hope that with your unique perspective, maybe you can help others along their journey.

I can send you a list of questions that you can answer by email and will certainly link to your blog in the post!

Please let me know if you are interested. I'd love to post the interview this week or next since the holidays tend to be such a difficult time for people.

Thanks so much,

Tara Geissinger