OK, God.

OK, God,

Apparently you really want me to speak at a 12 step recovery program. The last time I was asked, my character defects got in the way. I said that I had already committed to another recovery program. What I didn't say was that I hadn't committed to actually do any service at that program, just to attend.

So, I got asked again. I'm supposed to speak about the principles behind the first three steps: honesty, hope, and faith.

Well, to be honest, God, my character defects of low self esteem and perfectionism almost got in the way again. But this time, I had hope that I could actually do this. And as I'm continuing on my 12 step journey, that hope has blossomed into faith. Today, I have faith that if I follow your will and do this thing rather than my will and avoid it, you'll help me choose my words so that I might be an instrument of attraction.

So, Help me, God. Remind me that it's ok to do this thing perfectly imperfectly. Help me to turn fear to faith. Help the words that we choose together to reach somebody who hasn't yet found the courage to start on this journey to start taking that first step. Help me to share at least some of the wonderful gifts that you've given me as I've journeyed through these steps again and again and again.

Thanks, God!

Heard from my therapist

"Try not to take it personally. Remember that she isn't doing this on purpose. Ideally, it should be the two of you against the problem, not her and the problem against you." I did hear these words from my therapist today. But it wasn't my individual or couples therapist talking to me. It was my physical therapist talking to my partner! I have adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder) and he was teaching my partner how to help me with my therapy.

He also had words of wisdom for me. Let Go. Don't try to force change. Let me take control, don't try to be in control of the movement. Trust me."

Frozen Shoulder. Thanks, God!

Let Go, Let God

I apparently have some God lessons to learn yet again about trusting the process, letting go, keeping my head where my feet are, and all that fun stuff. God keeps telling me to let go. When I don't, I get gentle, and then not so gentle reminders. There's some major ambiguity in my work situation. I think things are going to turn out the way I want them to. I KNOW (even if my body doesn't) that I'll be ok no matter what and that things will work out the way they're supposed to. I've done the footwork I can do. I'm having a really hard time turning off my brain and going to bed. Guess God and I need to have another conversation. Gnite.

Money Money Money Money!

I've been struggling with how to set boundaries around finances for years. My partner is always wanting something, and I'm always feeling like I have to guard the gates. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me and I have huge anxiety around having what I need in my old age. My tendency is to NOT buy a soda because I'd rather save the money. My partner, meanwhile, would buy starbucks 3 times a day, so my denying myself is not helping me reach a place of financial security. She's constantly wanting something and I'm constantly in the parent role. It's not healthy for either of us.

I was provided with a substantially higher level of education than she was, so I have the ability to make a substantially higher income. She's not very intrinsically motivated to make money, and why should she be. There's been no response cost if she chooses to take a day off of work without pay because she's used up all her time, or if she doesn't seek employment at all, other than my nagging. Again, not healthy for either of us.

I've really struggled with the ideaa of separating finances. First of all, it's scary to see it as a way of moving towards separation, which is NOT what I want. Secondly, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do it fairly.

All of a sudden,last week, a solution came to me. I would LOVE feedback before we implement it. We can leave our savings exactly as they are, as ours. Since neither of us is looking to break up, there's no reason to mess with that. We can also keep our joint checking account for bills and shared expenses. From here on out, my idea is that we each contribute to the joint accounts proportionally, based on our income of the time. We also each open individual accounts, also with proportional income. I can save to my heart's content with that account, or plan big trips, which is what I'd love to do. She can do Starbucks every day or buy herself a pony or fulfill whatever whim she has at any moment, IF she has the money to pay for it. I can stop being the parent and deciding what she can and cannot buy. She can make her own choices about working and spending without having to get approval from me.

I'm really loving this plan. I think it's generous, since I'm paying about 3/4 of expenses, but reasonable. She's not too excited. She keeps saying that she's going to be so poor.

I'd love to hear experience, strength and hope on finances. Any practical suggestions about how to make the plan work would be most appreciated.

Emergency

It's weird how calm I am in a real emergency when I can be so crazy emotional over small stuff. I was involved in a real emergency last night, designated so by the police. I made the calls I needed to make, got the person who needed to get to a safe place to said safe place, shared information that needed sharing, and calmly went home without that person at 2am. Meanwhile, it was just a couple of days ago that I was batshit insane because a piece of paper had yet to be put in the mail. Now granted, there are serious financial consequences to that piece of paper not being mailed. It's still not mailed, and I'm still relatively batshit. But, in a real crisis, when I need to be calm, I've still got it.

Fired! Redux

Interesting times. This spring I was terminated and then unfired. I'd just gotten my legs back under me again. We even bought an expensive new (to us) vehicle on Tuesday. Then yesterday, my partner was fired. Not laid off. Actually fired.

It seems that while she had a part, it really was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to her termination. Even her boss appeared to be sorry that she had no other option. My partner has grown a lot in this position and seems to have learned what she needed to learn there. It really was time for her to move on, and now that will have to happen. I'm really proud of how she handled herself yesterday. And I'm proud of how we handled it together. I called a program friend before talking to my partner, and she gave me my talking orders- I could only say things that were "loving, necessary, and true." I think I did that. And I'm amazed at how we got through what could have been an even tougher day together.

I'm also really scared. It's not the best time to try to be searching for employment, especially with a recent firing. And there's the matter of the expensive new-ish car we just bought. Fear of economic insecurity has clearly not left me. But, I guess God has some new lessons in store for both of us.

Let's talk about sex, baby!

Physical intimacy is a struggle in our relationship. Well, no, that's not exactly right. We can be awesome cuddlers. And my partner would be willing to provide me with sexual pleasure any time and then jump up and go off and mow the lawn or clean the house or do her nails in another room or whatever. But mutual sexual intimacy is a struggle in our relationship.

It makes sense. She's got all kinds of baggage that makes it really hard for her. It doesn't make it easy.

Last week, we tried addressing it in couple's therapy. She came up with a plan- date night, which was to be Friday night. She's expressed excitement about it for days. We got started and then she told me she had a headache. She sobbed about disappointing me, and let me in on some of the baggage that gets in the way. She said that the longer it is between times, the harder it gets. Again, that makes sense, but doesn't make it easy.

Here's what's going on for me. I'm learning to shut myself off again physically. Before my partner came along, I thought I was asexual. What sucks is that I've discovered that I really am a sexual being. I learned that from my partner. There was a time in our relationshp where we had a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I really don't understand what's changed. It's hard not to take it personally. My head knows it's not about me. My body has hard time catching up.

And speaking of my body having a hard time catching up, it's had quite the roller coaster ride Friday evening. I HAVE learned to shut down. So Friday, I'm busy telling me that it's ok to let myself get excited. Tonight's gonna be the night. Well, maybe. Follow through is not always my addict's best subject. No, R, stay in the moment. She's been talking about it for days, and she's been touching me earlier with hints of what's to come. She asked me to draw her a bath. It's ok. I can relax and go with it. We get started and I think it's really a go. But then. BAM! Not tonight dear, I've got a headache.

The good news is that I was really able to process my feelings about it with her last night. I was able not to blame her or shame her but to let her in about how it affects me. And she was able to comfort me. We're working through it. We're not there yet, but communicating about it is a huge step forward.