The end of my reading diet

Today I'm officially going off of my diet. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did do it. I guess it was an exercize in progress, not perfection. There were some gifts along the way. Like when I had agreed to meet a friend in a bookstore before I knew that I'd be on a reading diet. I walked around looking at peoople instead of books, and I saw a little girl who had found a book shaped like a treasure box. She was thrilled, and told her mother that she found treasure! Cute. I didn't do all the things I thought I'd get done when I wasn't reading. I didn't connect with people in the way that I planned. If you didn't get a phone call from me, know that I didn't call anyone else either. Overall, I'm glad for the experience, and now I'm glad I'm done. Now it's off to read my friends' blogs and then I'm going to the library.

Obsessing

3:30 am, and I'm obsessing about narcotics. I had oral surgery yesterday, which meant a prescription for narcotic pain medicine, my partner's drug of choice. I obsessed over whether to have the scrip filled, whether to discuss it with her, and what to do with the meds. I decided to fill it, not to discuss it but not to lie about it either. I won't say where I'm keeping it, in case she's found her way here.

Now I'm obsessing over what to do with the leftovers. I know that really, my only option is to trash them. I need to let go of them physically, and then I need to let go of the resentment that goes along with having no option except to trash them. I don't like the feelings that this is bringing up for me. I keep fighting with myself over putting my ugly feelings out there. My partner didn't choose this disease of addiction. If/when I find myself in pain again, I can go to the doctor and get another prescription. Throwing away a $10 bottle is really not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal to me. I'm just making myself crazier here, so I'm going to stop and try something else.

My Own F#%*ing Hallmark Card

One of my tasks for the Artist's Way has been to go on an Artist's Date once a week. It doesn't really matter what I do, but I only take me. Wednesday, I was having a particularly hard day, and I decided to take me to the Hallmark store, and buy myself my own hallmark card.

Part of the backstory is that A had shared a story about stomping on somebody's boundaries in a group she was participating in, literally, by stomping on something the other person had made with clay. She decided to make amends by making a similar item out of clay and by buying her a hallmark card as an apology. She took me with her to pick out the hallmark card. Meanwhile, she'd been trouncing all over my boundaries, too, and I expressed to somebody else that I want a fucking hallmark card. Of course, I didn't tell A that she'd trounced my boundaries, let alone that I'd have appreciated getting my own card.

Anyway, fast forward to Wednesday, when my boundaries had been repeatedly trounced, which had resulted in my screaming, and I still wasn't getting my needs met. I decided to go to the Hallmark store and pick out a card from me to me. Here's what it said:

I have a right to be accepted just as I am. I have a right to be heard, because I matter. I have a right to be respected, because I deserve it. I have a right to be loved...... And you are.

And here's what I wrote inside:

Dear me,

You do have a right to be accepted. And I accept all of you and your perfectly imperfect self. You do have a right to be heard. And I will listen to you. And I will hear you. And I will give you a voice, even when it's hard. Because you DO MATTER!! You do have a right to be respected. And I will respect you. And I will stand up for you. And I will stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Because I do deserve more. I have a right to be loved. And Iam. And I'll do a better job of loving me. I'm really, really good at unconditional love, except where you're concerned. So I'm truly sorry for not taking good care of you. And I intend to amend that behavior. I love you, (insert name here), forever. NO MATTER WHAT!!! Love, me.

I SCREAMED

It was a week ago today that I screamed, and my voice is still broken. I almost never raise my voice and I don't think I've ever screamed like this. I'd tried all the tools in my toolbox and I still wasn't being heard. I'd been being rational in the face of irrationality and I'd pushed me down and down and down, hoping that eventually I'd get a turn and I'd be heard, but nothing was working. So I screamed. I wish I could say that it worked, and that I got what I needed. It was 3 days after that that I finally felt like I was heard by my significant other. But here's the amazing part. I was apparently heard by ME. Go figure. And good stuff has come from that.

Declaring my Intention: Reading Diet

Given the fact that many of you are like me who assumes when somebody disappears that I did something to make them go, I am declaring my intention.

Some of you may know that along with my 36 steps, I've now picked up a tradition study (thank you, Scout) and now a group book study of The Artist's Way. Our task this week is to go on a 1 week reading deprivation. I'm not willing to do a total deprivation, but I will try to do a week's worth of Reading Diet. I'm supposed to spend a week not reading anything. That's supposed to include the newspaper, work or school related readings. I guess the concept is that I'm supposed to free up time and fill it creatively. My intention is to give up reading blogs for a week along with books and any other print. I'm not planning on giving up email, so you can reach me that way if you want. I hope I'm going to increase my writing during this time, so hopefully you'll see me return to writing here. Since I'm choosing not to give up email, I'll get comments and I'll write back if I know your email addy. (Look at me, breaking a rule. JW, are ya proud?) I'd like to spend more time on the phone this week, so if I have your phone number, don't be surprised if you get a call this week.