Obsessing

3:30 am, and I'm obsessing about narcotics. I had oral surgery yesterday, which meant a prescription for narcotic pain medicine, my partner's drug of choice. I obsessed over whether to have the scrip filled, whether to discuss it with her, and what to do with the meds. I decided to fill it, not to discuss it but not to lie about it either. I won't say where I'm keeping it, in case she's found her way here.

Now I'm obsessing over what to do with the leftovers. I know that really, my only option is to trash them. I need to let go of them physically, and then I need to let go of the resentment that goes along with having no option except to trash them. I don't like the feelings that this is bringing up for me. I keep fighting with myself over putting my ugly feelings out there. My partner didn't choose this disease of addiction. If/when I find myself in pain again, I can go to the doctor and get another prescription. Throwing away a $10 bottle is really not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal to me. I'm just making myself crazier here, so I'm going to stop and try something else.