Today's morning pages

Part of my Artist Way class involves writing morning pages- 3 pages of free writing in the mornings. I'm supposed to hand write it, and being the rule-bound person I can be, I'm sticking to that, at least for now. It's been meaning that I've put less energy into writing here. But today, I think I'll copy what I wrote. It's a lesson I keep learning and relearning. For this moment, I think I've got it. Maybe if I put it here, I can at least reference it. Anyway, here are today's morning pages:

Here's my discovery of the moment. I AM being controlling, even though it's not my intention.

I wanted A to not go to Dr. P. It makes sense to me that I would have big feelings about this. And I'm relieved that she made the decision that she did. But it ain't up to me. What is up to me is what I do to take care of myself. My actions are my choice. Like, I could choose to turn him in to the medical board. Or I could choose to detach myself completely from her medical stuff. Or I could chose to end the relationship if it's just too painful for me. I do have choices, and sometimes they're really yucky choices. But what she decides to do is really not my choice.

So, it's the same with not going to work. It's just not my choice whether she goes to work or not.

My feelings are valid and real. I get triggered when she doesn't go to work. It makes sense to me that I'd get triggered. It's a loss of income for me. It also reminds me of really yucky times and it's often a precurser to more yucks. There's also usually much more to the story- omission- which is another trigger for me, b/c it makes it hard to trust.

I am completely powerless over her choices about whether to go to work or not. I've been trying to control this choice, and it's just not mine. I can't get her up and get her to work and keep her there all day. I can't get inside her body and determine what's really going on.

But I do have choices. I can go on with my life and find ways to fill it. I can separate finances if the money thing becomes too intolerable for me. And again, if she continues to make choices that are too damaging for me, I could choose to end the relationship. I can release her with love and hope that she and her higher power get things under control before they become too much for me. I can put the focus back on me. How am I feeling? What do I need to do to take really good care of myself? What I don't need to do is keep trying to manipulate her into changing. It just doesn't work. It's time to stop trying to fix her and start trying to take care of me.