Somebody was talking about her struggle around money in the Junky's Wives Club today. In sharing my own experience, strength and hope, I was able to get clearer for me. Here's what I said:
"What I'm learning is that I have to work on acting, and not reacting. I need to look inside myself to figure out what I want, what I need, and what I feel. That's been the hardest part, b/c I completely lost me for a while, and I'm just now figuring that out. Once I know what I need, then I have to set boundaries to take care of myself. You might, after looking inside, decide that what you need to feel safe is to have control of the money for now. Many addicts and addicts wives have come to that decision together. If you decide that you need to be in control of the money in order to feel safe, and you set that as a boundary, then it's up to him to decide whether he can live with that boundary or not. If he chooses not to honor your boundary, then it's up to you to decide whether you can live with that or not. It's hard, hard, hard, complicated stuff. I surely don't do it perfectly. But I'm getting better. Hang in there. And keep sharing. That's what's helped me the most."
Then later, I was just talking to a dear friend who's struggling with boundaries. She called me white light, and said she thought I didn't need my step group because I AM white light. I told her that MY disease is that it's waaay easy for me to boss other folks around, but it's much harder to let them in and see me and my struggles.
In talking to this friend, I got even clearer about the losing me I referred to earlier. I think my greatest character defect of all time is fear of abandonment, and it draws me to go to any length if I let it. I won't even state a boundary, let alone decide for myself what the consequence of invading it might be or, God forbid, follow through on that consequence, because the end result might be abandonment. And abandonment feels intolerable for me.
But, as I'm learning to date myself (go on artist dates and write morning pages and get more comfortable with me), I'm increasing my tolerance. And that's making me, and my relationships, so much healthier.
I'm so grateful for the tools I'm learning and my friends, real and imaginary, who help me to get clearer and healthier, one day at a time.
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4 comments:
You made me cry.
I am so terrified of being abandoned that I spent years convinced I didn't really need anything, and if I did I had no right to ask for it. It took me years of therapy to acknowledge my needs to myself, and years more to actually ask anybody else to meet them. Scariest thing I ever did. Still terrifies me, and I'm still struggling with it.
You are white light. We can all be white light for each other, flawed beings that we are.
My husband and I were talking about abandonment the other day -- about how it is this huge fear for both of us, the root of so much of our unhealthy behavior -- and neither of us knows where it came from or why we are so afraid... Maybe it's that abandonment holds power over all of us.
Great post. I totally identify with the losing of yourself in the midst of active addiction. I am really needing to focus on taking care of myself and know what my needs are. I keep wondering where that strong woman I felt I was went. She'll be back only better.
For a while, I rejected "fear of abandonment" because I was the one who wanted to do the leaving...it felt more like "fear of abandoning." But either way, it's the same thing...that little, sharp-toothed baby dinosaur that lives inside my lungs and screams NOOOOOO! when either of us talks about leaving.
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