I talked about this in therapy yesterday, and then dreamed about it, so I guess it's still a big issue for me.
Last week, we went on vacation with my family. My dad and I went for a walk, and he asked me if I thought that the couples in our family were happy. When I didn't jump in with a yes, he said it wasn't a trick question. He said that he thinks he and my mom, my sister and her husband, and my brother and his wife are pretty happy and that A and I are too. But he said that the rest of them are not as physically demonstrative in public as we are, and he wondered if we were trying to prove a point.
I told him that we didn't realize it had been an issue for him in years, so no, we weren't trying to prove a point. I told him that we are very physically affectionate, but not in a sexual way.
I pointed out that while we were having this conversation, my dad had his arm draped around me, and I wondered aloud if that felt like an uncomfortable display of public affection. My dad sheepishly replied that he somehow felt that the particular moment felt more private to him, which was interesting, since we were on a very public beach boardwalk with LOTS of tourists meandering about.
I challenged him to consider that what felt different about him draping his arm around my shoulders was that he and I are not two females, and that it's his prejudice that raises his antennae when A and I hold hands or cuddle. I then pointed out all the couples around us that were holding hands or touching in some other way, and challenged him to look again in our family to see if my siblings or even my parents touch more than he realizes and he just doesn't notice. He agreed to look at it, and I did NOT agree to stop being affectionate with A around him.
The conversation left me with mixed feelings, and I keep coming back to them. I'm glad that I did not cowtow to his prejudice. I'm glad that he really seemed to hear me. It makes me sad that I still have to fight this battle, in society and in my own family. Next week is Pride in my community. I'm looking forward to holding hands with my partner and not standing out. I'll continue to do so in the presence of my family of origin, and maybe someday we won't stand out there either. So, dad, no, last week I wasn't trying to prove a point, but the next time we're together in your presence, I will be. And I still love you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Hey! You just got gay in front of everybody!
I was thinking last night that I really wanted to see you write about this because you'd handled this difficult situation with so much grace, but I stopped myself from saying it because it's you're business and all that...but yay! I'm glad you wrote about it.
(I had no idea that all I needed to do to make you start writing here again was create a place to feature you. Attentionwhoring it is.)
Oh my god! I used the wrong "you're"! Stop judging me! I'll work harder and do better!
I'm with JW: I'm glad you wrote about this because I too think you handled it with grace and understanding.
It's also making me think of the larger issue of being in the minority, because I find that as an interracial couple, my husband and I can draw attention just by being together. A lot of things can be perceived as aggressive that go completely unnoticed when coming from part of the majority.
I wish I could be more coherent about that. Sigh!
P.S. Guess I should second that "I'll work harder, I'll do better, please love me!"
Wow R, that was really deep and really hard.
Or i imagine it would be really hard to talk to be that candid with my parents.
This made me smile real big. I love you r.
awesome r. Loved it. There was a lot of self respect and strenght inbetween and on top of the lines there, I saw it and felt it. It is B. E. A. utiful
Post a Comment