Hi, I'm R, and I'm a Lesbian

I talked about this in therapy yesterday, and then dreamed about it, so I guess it's still a big issue for me.

Last week, we went on vacation with my family. My dad and I went for a walk, and he asked me if I thought that the couples in our family were happy. When I didn't jump in with a yes, he said it wasn't a trick question. He said that he thinks he and my mom, my sister and her husband, and my brother and his wife are pretty happy and that A and I are too. But he said that the rest of them are not as physically demonstrative in public as we are, and he wondered if we were trying to prove a point.

I told him that we didn't realize it had been an issue for him in years, so no, we weren't trying to prove a point. I told him that we are very physically affectionate, but not in a sexual way.

I pointed out that while we were having this conversation, my dad had his arm draped around me, and I wondered aloud if that felt like an uncomfortable display of public affection. My dad sheepishly replied that he somehow felt that the particular moment felt more private to him, which was interesting, since we were on a very public beach boardwalk with LOTS of tourists meandering about.

I challenged him to consider that what felt different about him draping his arm around my shoulders was that he and I are not two females, and that it's his prejudice that raises his antennae when A and I hold hands or cuddle. I then pointed out all the couples around us that were holding hands or touching in some other way, and challenged him to look again in our family to see if my siblings or even my parents touch more than he realizes and he just doesn't notice. He agreed to look at it, and I did NOT agree to stop being affectionate with A around him.

The conversation left me with mixed feelings, and I keep coming back to them. I'm glad that I did not cowtow to his prejudice. I'm glad that he really seemed to hear me. It makes me sad that I still have to fight this battle, in society and in my own family. Next week is Pride in my community. I'm looking forward to holding hands with my partner and not standing out. I'll continue to do so in the presence of my family of origin, and maybe someday we won't stand out there either. So, dad, no, last week I wasn't trying to prove a point, but the next time we're together in your presence, I will be. And I still love you.

Meltdowns

I had two meltdowns today. I've been stressing. I just finished the first week of a new job, and next week is going to be an even bigger transition. I've also pretty much singlehandedly put together a wedding shower for my partner's daughter this weekend, and we entertained her soon-to-be mother-in-law(STBMIL) for the weekend. So, I was exhausted, stressed, and in the let down phase after a big event.

Anyway, my first meltdown was over a book case. My new office is really pretty, but much smaller than I'm used to, and there really isn't room for all my stuff. I've been asking my partner for help in fixing up an old bookcase, and while she tried once, it's just not happening. She told me we'd do it this afternoon after the shower and entertaining was over. Well, she's doing 90 in 90, and had missed the last two days because of the events going on. This afternoon, we got up early to take STBMIL to the airport, then picked up the bride and groom to take them out. Then my partner went to play kickball on team-addict. Then she came home and crashed. When it was time to work on my bookshelf, she had to leave to go hit two meetings. I got hysterical. I tried to keep the feelings from her, b/c I know it's a really good thing that she's doing 90 in 90. It just feels like again, I'm last on the totem pole. Plus, I've tried to do the damn bookshelf myself, and I can't, and I'm feeling really incompetent. Plus, my office really should be ready tomorrorw, and I've got two boxes of books and nowhere to put them. And really, I'm stressing about whether I'm up to this job. BLEH!!

Then comes meltdown #2. This one has been a long time coming. I've been feeling so trapped in the middle between my family of choice and my family of origin. My mother always manages to find some excuse about why there's no room for my family at any given time and event. The most recent thing was room at her beach house next weekend. Meanwhile, there's this wedding that I'm a major financial contributor to and none of my family of origin is invited. This weekend, I'm hearing from the STBMIL about her husband's family who are all coming, and my parents are not invited. Then, this evening, my mom was all nice for a change about including my family and then she started asking about wedding plans. I'm hemming and hawing because she's not invited, and meanwhile, she's offering to sponsor a brunch for the out of town guests. I'm great at keeping my defenses up when people are mean, but when they're nice, I turn to mush. So I ended up sobbing to my mom about how trapped in the middle I'm feeling about the whole thing, and the nicer my mom was, the more I lost it.

Tomorrow starts the real phase of my new job. I'm a mess and so is my office. I still have 2 boxes of books with nowhere to put them. And I'm really worried that I'm not going to be good enough in this position.