I recently completed step 8 with my online step group and am now starting 9. Meanwhile, a situation came up at work. I've been having difficulty with a person and a situation. It has been becoming more and more unmanageable for me, but I've been unwilling to deal with it directly. On Wednesday, the situation came to a head, and I ended up reacting out. I cried an ugly cry, as Oprah would call it, and poured out all of my feelings to one of my supervisors. She, in turn, wanted to bring it to the top boss. I told her that I was afraid, in part because the top boss is close friends with the person that I'm struggling with.
On my way to work the next morning, I prayed for the right words when it's time to talk to the top boss. I made an amend (in my head) saying that I was sorry for not trusting her when she had given me every reason to trust her. I rehearsed and rehearsed, trying to come up with just the right words.
Suddenly, it occured to me that this was another occasion where I was trying to control out of fear, and the solution to my fear is faith. I then realized that it's God that I owe that particular amend to- I haven't trusted God to give me what I need when I need it. So, I'm heading back to step 8 to add God to my amends list.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Heart Troubles
My partner spent the night in the hospital on the Chest Pain Unit Tuesday night. She started having this pain during therapy (surprise!) A few hours later, after successfully completing a CPR class, she told the instructor about her pain, and he recommended that she go to the hospital.
This is not the first time we've gone through this. Each time, they run her through a series of tests, and each time they clear her to go home. I thought I handled things pretty well during the time. I wasn't overly anxious and I didn't completely detach to the point of ignoring the symptoms which may have been life threatening, although they have never been before. Our therapist strongly encouraged her to call her doctor when she started having symptoms during our session. She refused, and I left it alone. When we completed the CPR class, I suggested that she tell her symptoms to the instructor. When he suggested we go to the ER, I took her. When she decided that she didn't like the smell of the first ER and wanted to go somewhere else, I did what she asked. (Even though by that point it had been more than 4 hours since she'd first started having symptoms. If it WAS a heart attack, she probably would have been dead by then.)
Afterwards, I asked for permission to give her feedback, and when she gave it to me, I suggested that she give her doctor and therapist permission to communicate with each other. I also suggested that she might want to ask her therapist to help her with some body work to maybe work through whatever it is that keeps bringing her back to this place. I even told her the next day how I was feeling- unappreciated and unimportant. She acknowledged that she hadn't thanked me for being there for her through the ordeal and that she did just expect me to do something for her rather than saying please. She said that she was being self-centered, but that if she ever were really dying, she wasn't going to say please and thank you.
The following day I was hovering on tears. I don't know if it was just exhaustion or if I had some unprocessed feelings left. I'm kind of beating myself up for being frustrated with the time and money involved in these hospital stays that never find anything. It's also scary though to think that there could ever come a time when I'd ignore the whole thing and it might actually BE a heart attack and I'd be responsible for her death. A friend in recovery reminded me that I came by these feelings rightly, and that my partner could actually call 911 if she ever really thought she was having a heart attack and I wasn't responding.
I sure wish she'd sort this stuff out though. I'm getting tired!
This is not the first time we've gone through this. Each time, they run her through a series of tests, and each time they clear her to go home. I thought I handled things pretty well during the time. I wasn't overly anxious and I didn't completely detach to the point of ignoring the symptoms which may have been life threatening, although they have never been before. Our therapist strongly encouraged her to call her doctor when she started having symptoms during our session. She refused, and I left it alone. When we completed the CPR class, I suggested that she tell her symptoms to the instructor. When he suggested we go to the ER, I took her. When she decided that she didn't like the smell of the first ER and wanted to go somewhere else, I did what she asked. (Even though by that point it had been more than 4 hours since she'd first started having symptoms. If it WAS a heart attack, she probably would have been dead by then.)
Afterwards, I asked for permission to give her feedback, and when she gave it to me, I suggested that she give her doctor and therapist permission to communicate with each other. I also suggested that she might want to ask her therapist to help her with some body work to maybe work through whatever it is that keeps bringing her back to this place. I even told her the next day how I was feeling- unappreciated and unimportant. She acknowledged that she hadn't thanked me for being there for her through the ordeal and that she did just expect me to do something for her rather than saying please. She said that she was being self-centered, but that if she ever were really dying, she wasn't going to say please and thank you.
The following day I was hovering on tears. I don't know if it was just exhaustion or if I had some unprocessed feelings left. I'm kind of beating myself up for being frustrated with the time and money involved in these hospital stays that never find anything. It's also scary though to think that there could ever come a time when I'd ignore the whole thing and it might actually BE a heart attack and I'd be responsible for her death. A friend in recovery reminded me that I came by these feelings rightly, and that my partner could actually call 911 if she ever really thought she was having a heart attack and I wasn't responding.
I sure wish she'd sort this stuff out though. I'm getting tired!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
White Chip
My partner told me yesterday that she'd be picking up a white chip in the evening.
She told me that over the past couple of weeks she's been taking various medications, from a common over-the-counter cold medicine that has a lot of alcohol in it to some leftover muscle relaxants that belonged to someone who used to live in our house and some other things. She said that her therapist, who's a recovering alcoholic had told her weeks ago that she couldn't have the cold medicine, but she'd chosen to keep using it anyway and to use more than prescribed.
She has a new sponsor, who apparently told her that she didn't think that she needed to pick up a white chip. But my partner didn't feel comfortable with that, and kept asking others in recovery, and decided that she did need to pick up the chip.
I'm proud of her for putting it out there and for pursuing it when she was first given a pass by her sponsor. I'm glad that she's taking this stuff seriously and that it seems that for today, she's not sliding further down that slippery slope. I'm glad that she came to me and told me. I understand why I was the last to know, but that part is painful. The other part that's hard is the reality distortion. Just last weekend, we were at a recovery conference together and she was celebrating 6 months clean. Stupid me talked about how cool it is that they honor 18 months and that she'll be able to stand up for that next year. I was also starting to look forward to her finally having a year clean and being able to speak to my naranon group. What I now know is that she really didn't have 6 months when she was standing up dancing and cheering. I do struggle with that reality distortion thing. Oh well. I have tools. So does she. For today, she's taking her recovery seriously. I can't really ask for more than that.
She told me that over the past couple of weeks she's been taking various medications, from a common over-the-counter cold medicine that has a lot of alcohol in it to some leftover muscle relaxants that belonged to someone who used to live in our house and some other things. She said that her therapist, who's a recovering alcoholic had told her weeks ago that she couldn't have the cold medicine, but she'd chosen to keep using it anyway and to use more than prescribed.
She has a new sponsor, who apparently told her that she didn't think that she needed to pick up a white chip. But my partner didn't feel comfortable with that, and kept asking others in recovery, and decided that she did need to pick up the chip.
I'm proud of her for putting it out there and for pursuing it when she was first given a pass by her sponsor. I'm glad that she's taking this stuff seriously and that it seems that for today, she's not sliding further down that slippery slope. I'm glad that she came to me and told me. I understand why I was the last to know, but that part is painful. The other part that's hard is the reality distortion. Just last weekend, we were at a recovery conference together and she was celebrating 6 months clean. Stupid me talked about how cool it is that they honor 18 months and that she'll be able to stand up for that next year. I was also starting to look forward to her finally having a year clean and being able to speak to my naranon group. What I now know is that she really didn't have 6 months when she was standing up dancing and cheering. I do struggle with that reality distortion thing. Oh well. I have tools. So does she. For today, she's taking her recovery seriously. I can't really ask for more than that.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Hung up on my mother
Hmmm. It's interesting that my title can be taken two ways, and while I meant it literally, the other way is also true. I AM hung up on my mother. She still has a lot of power over me. She's very invested in trying to control me and I'm just as invested in not letting her.
Today, she shared a very reasonable concern for my safety. The problem is that she has shared this concern before and had my sister in law share it too. Today she reminded me that she and my sister-in-law shared this concern and told me that she had found a newspaper article that she wants to send me about the concern. She told me all about the dire consequences that will happen if I don't take the action she wants me to take and that I have to take that action to protect all the members of my family.
Every time she took a breath, I told her "thank you for your input." She asked me why I was thanking her for her input and why I wasn't doing what she was telling me to do. I told her that I understand how frustrating it is when you want someone to do what you believe is good for them. (GOD, DO I UNDERSTAND!!!!) She told me that she wasn't frustrated, she was panicked. Actually, I totally get that too. Finally, I told her that I understood what she wants me to do, and if she continues to discuss it that I'd hang up. She continued. I told her I love her and hung up. Later, I called back and left her a message saying that I love her and that she is welcome to suggest that I do something but she is NOT welcome to insist.
You know, the truth is that she is absolutely right about what she's saying. And I really do get that controlling comes from fear. It was a good reminder of what I look like when I'm trying to get my partner to do things the way I want her to, and that the more controlling I am, the less likely that she, or anyone else, is going to do things the way I want them to, no matter how right I might be.
Thanks mom! That wasn't the lesson you intended for me, but it's the one I got. Just for today.
Today, she shared a very reasonable concern for my safety. The problem is that she has shared this concern before and had my sister in law share it too. Today she reminded me that she and my sister-in-law shared this concern and told me that she had found a newspaper article that she wants to send me about the concern. She told me all about the dire consequences that will happen if I don't take the action she wants me to take and that I have to take that action to protect all the members of my family.
Every time she took a breath, I told her "thank you for your input." She asked me why I was thanking her for her input and why I wasn't doing what she was telling me to do. I told her that I understand how frustrating it is when you want someone to do what you believe is good for them. (GOD, DO I UNDERSTAND!!!!) She told me that she wasn't frustrated, she was panicked. Actually, I totally get that too. Finally, I told her that I understood what she wants me to do, and if she continues to discuss it that I'd hang up. She continued. I told her I love her and hung up. Later, I called back and left her a message saying that I love her and that she is welcome to suggest that I do something but she is NOT welcome to insist.
You know, the truth is that she is absolutely right about what she's saying. And I really do get that controlling comes from fear. It was a good reminder of what I look like when I'm trying to get my partner to do things the way I want her to, and that the more controlling I am, the less likely that she, or anyone else, is going to do things the way I want them to, no matter how right I might be.
Thanks mom! That wasn't the lesson you intended for me, but it's the one I got. Just for today.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Plotting with Mr. Junky
I think my partner must be hanging out and plotting with JW's husband, Mr. Junky. Yesterday, she got all addicty when I confronted her about a particular behavior. She darted and weaved and I ended up apologizing all over myself for a behavior that I had owned and cleaned up when it happened weeks ago. Meanwhile, she was sulky and pouty and at the same time smirky over her current behavior that was clearly wrong. Then, she turned herself off and went to sleep.
You know, it amazes me that she can do that. For her, withdrawing to the bed and literally pulling the covers over her head is a coping mechanism that she's remarkably good at. Typically, her withdrawal to the bed activates my anxiety, and I have an even harder time going to sleep. So, when we're in a stuck place, she ends up oversleeping, and I end up undersleeping. Fun times.
I did pull out my maladaptive tool of projecting. I planned a miserable day for us for today with her being all withdrawn and me figuring out how to survive the day. I also predicted that she'd spend the day in bed and not follow through on a committment we'd made together for this day. I plotted how her poor choice was going to grow and impact our family all the way out to a grand finale that I'm particularly worrying about. More fun times.
But I also called a friend, who told me that my partner probably knows what she did wrong and reminded me that I can't make her feel more badly about herself than she already does. She suggested that I do nothing and do my best to enjoy this day. She said to use it as an experiment and see what happens.
And guess what? My partner must have consulted Mr. Junky again last night while she was sleeping. Because this morning, I got my own bread from the hardware store. My partner called me over to her, looked into my eyes, apologized for what she did, owned what she should have done differently, and then cuddled with me. All's right with the world.
You know, it amazes me that she can do that. For her, withdrawing to the bed and literally pulling the covers over her head is a coping mechanism that she's remarkably good at. Typically, her withdrawal to the bed activates my anxiety, and I have an even harder time going to sleep. So, when we're in a stuck place, she ends up oversleeping, and I end up undersleeping. Fun times.
I did pull out my maladaptive tool of projecting. I planned a miserable day for us for today with her being all withdrawn and me figuring out how to survive the day. I also predicted that she'd spend the day in bed and not follow through on a committment we'd made together for this day. I plotted how her poor choice was going to grow and impact our family all the way out to a grand finale that I'm particularly worrying about. More fun times.
But I also called a friend, who told me that my partner probably knows what she did wrong and reminded me that I can't make her feel more badly about herself than she already does. She suggested that I do nothing and do my best to enjoy this day. She said to use it as an experiment and see what happens.
And guess what? My partner must have consulted Mr. Junky again last night while she was sleeping. Because this morning, I got my own bread from the hardware store. My partner called me over to her, looked into my eyes, apologized for what she did, owned what she should have done differently, and then cuddled with me. All's right with the world.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Spiritual Fanny Pack
My sponsee shared this great reading today about trust. I'm pasting it below this post. I can't give credit, b/c I really don't know where it came from.
I have a new child who came into my life yesterday who came with a laundry list of diagnoses. One of the diagnoses is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD.) One of the common behaviors of RAD kids is hoarding, b/c they have been deprived and don't feel that they will be provided with enough food to eat. One of the interventions that's used sometimes is to give them a fanny pack of food that they can keep with them, and keep restocking it when it's empty.
When I read the reading below, I realized that I've been hoarding when it comes to control, and that what I need is a spiritual fanny pack. The truth is that I already have this spiritual fanny pack, and I carry it with me. It's always accessible if I reach for it, and it's always stocked.
My sponsor tells me all the time that I should pray to turn fear to faith, and I'm sssssllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwlllllly coming to understand just what that means. Just for today, I'm going to trust that I already have everything I need. There's no need to hoard control, b/c I have a never ending supply in my spiritual fanny pack.
Here's the reading. Enjoy!
"CONTROLLING VERSUS TRUST
There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Anonymous
Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.
We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.
We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.
We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.
We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.
We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.
We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.
We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.
Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.
The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.
Trust, my friend, in today.
Just for today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through, today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow."
I have a new child who came into my life yesterday who came with a laundry list of diagnoses. One of the diagnoses is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD.) One of the common behaviors of RAD kids is hoarding, b/c they have been deprived and don't feel that they will be provided with enough food to eat. One of the interventions that's used sometimes is to give them a fanny pack of food that they can keep with them, and keep restocking it when it's empty.
When I read the reading below, I realized that I've been hoarding when it comes to control, and that what I need is a spiritual fanny pack. The truth is that I already have this spiritual fanny pack, and I carry it with me. It's always accessible if I reach for it, and it's always stocked.
My sponsor tells me all the time that I should pray to turn fear to faith, and I'm sssssllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwlllllly coming to understand just what that means. Just for today, I'm going to trust that I already have everything I need. There's no need to hoard control, b/c I have a never ending supply in my spiritual fanny pack.
Here's the reading. Enjoy!
"CONTROLLING VERSUS TRUST
There was a time in my life when I felt so afraid of and overwhelmed by the very act of living that I actually wanted to make out a schedule for each day of my life for the next five years. I wanted to include all the chores I had to do, when I would do them, even when I would schedule relaxation. I wanted to get some order into what felt overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I was in control.
Anonymous
Controlling is a direct response to our fear, panic, and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed, and to distrust.
We may not trust ourselves, our Higher Power, the Plan, the Universe, or the process of life. Instead of trusting, we revert to control.
We can approach this need to control by dealing with our fear. We deal with fear by trusting---ourselves, our Higher Power, the love and support of the Universe, the Plan, and this process we call life and recovery.
We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned.
We can trust ourselves to get where we need to go, say what we need to say, do what we need to do, know what we need to know, be who we need to be, and become all we can become, when we are intended to do that, when we are ready, and when the time is right.
We can trust our Higher Power and the Universe to give us all the direction we need.
We can trust ourselves to listen, and respond, accordingly.
We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light.
Trust in yourself. We do not have to plan, control, and schedule all things. The schedule and plan have been written. All we need to do is show up.
The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time.
Trust, my friend, in today.
Just for today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through, today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow."
Saturday, October 11, 2008
It's Not About the Batteries
I'm on my 3rd day of struggling over a silly little squabble my partner and I had. It started when she was in the bathroom, and I came in and handed her some batteries and told her that they go in the charger. The next morning, when they were laying on the counter next to the charger, I got upset. She got angry with me and told me that I didn't ask her to put them in the charger. I agreed that I didn't ask, and told her I'd work on that. She said she didn't do anything wrong and left PISSED!
I tried to have an intentional dialogue with her later, and it went downhill fast. First, she delayed and delayed and delayed the dialogue, until she was in bed and had already taken "bedicine." When we finally had our dialogue, I really worked at owning my shit, and my perception is that she really worked at protecting herself. Needless to say, it didn't go well.
Today, I'm still struggling. It's really not the batteries I'm struggling with. It's the fact that my need to process through feelings together and come out on the other side together is colliding with her need to avoid conflict and to build her wall of self-protection when she thinks she's being attacked.
We have this same struggle often, when I want to process through something and she doesn't. She says I'm trying to control her, and in a way I have to own that I am. I want her behavior to be different, and I can't make that happen. Maybe I need to figure out a way to resolve my feelings without her, but that makes me sad. A friend in the fellowship reminded me that hadn't I just worked through a really, really, hard lesson in letting go? Did I really need God to provide more growth opportunities in that area? I was able to get clear that I need to let my partner know that I'm really struggling, not with the batteries, but with the dance we do when there's conflict between us. I need to speak my piece, and then I need to let go of the outcome. Or, God can certainly give me some more opportunities to practice that letting go thing.
I tried to have an intentional dialogue with her later, and it went downhill fast. First, she delayed and delayed and delayed the dialogue, until she was in bed and had already taken "bedicine." When we finally had our dialogue, I really worked at owning my shit, and my perception is that she really worked at protecting herself. Needless to say, it didn't go well.
Today, I'm still struggling. It's really not the batteries I'm struggling with. It's the fact that my need to process through feelings together and come out on the other side together is colliding with her need to avoid conflict and to build her wall of self-protection when she thinks she's being attacked.
We have this same struggle often, when I want to process through something and she doesn't. She says I'm trying to control her, and in a way I have to own that I am. I want her behavior to be different, and I can't make that happen. Maybe I need to figure out a way to resolve my feelings without her, but that makes me sad. A friend in the fellowship reminded me that hadn't I just worked through a really, really, hard lesson in letting go? Did I really need God to provide more growth opportunities in that area? I was able to get clear that I need to let my partner know that I'm really struggling, not with the batteries, but with the dance we do when there's conflict between us. I need to speak my piece, and then I need to let go of the outcome. Or, God can certainly give me some more opportunities to practice that letting go thing.
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