It's NOT about ME??????

Jay got me thinking today, with her post, It's Not About Me. Her post was about reproductive rights and parental notification laws. She spoke beautifully (as always) about wanting to be the mother that her daughter would come to, but that it's more important that her daughter get what she needs in the way of information, birth control, and if it comes to it, abortion, whether or not she feels safe confiding in her mother. She also wanted to make sure that her daughter receives nurturing and emotional support, even if that support doesn't come from Jay.

Like I said, it got me thinking. A dear friend is struggling right now, and happens to be geographically with her family, who is not aware of her struggles. The issue has nothing to do with reproduction, but Jay's message of "it's not about me(the mom)" is well taken. My friend and I talked a bit about it last night. She said that she wished she could get nurturing from her mom around this issue, but she can't because her mom doesn't know anything about it. I asked her who she was trying to protect, herself or her mom. She said both. I told her that if I were her mom, and I got a vote, I'd prefer NOT to be protected but rather to be included in my daughter's life. I believe that to be true for any mom. But here's the part I'm not sure I expressed strongly enough, that Jay said so eloquently. Friend, it's not about your mom. Do whatever you need to do to take care of you. If that means working through the mess to let your mom in, do that. If that means finding other places to get your nurturing, do that. I know that you're going to do whatever you're going to do regardless of what I say. I'm just not sure that I said loudly enough that I support you and I'm here for you, whatever you decide.

Meanwhile, there's another struggle that's harder for me, b/c the struggle is about whether it IS about me. My partner is working through some really hard stuff right now. For her, the physical and emotional often get tied together. Yesterday, she decided that she was too sick to go to work. Actually, she mentioned to me that she was running late, she started to go to work, and she turned around outside the neighborhood and came home. In the afternoon, she decided that she wasn't too sick to go to therapy, and spent over 4 hours between driving and being there. Then, she decided she was too sick to go to a party we'd been looking forward to going to together with friends in recovery.

OK, here's what IS about me. My feelings are about me. They can be (and are) messy, but they're mine. I feel scared when she doesn't go to work. I feel distrusting, when I don't know if I'm getting the whole story. My imagining is that if she hadn't been running late, she wouldn't have turned around to come home. I have conflicted feelings about her going to therapy. On the one hand, I'm really glad she pushed herself to go, b/c the more she takes care of herself, the better we are. And we really ARE better lately, even when she's going through hard stuff. I feel unimportant when she'll push through to go to her own therapy when she's sick, but cancels when she decides she's too sick or even when she decides I'm too sick to go to ours. I have conflicted feelings about the party too. On the one hand, I'm glad she was honest and said that she didn't want to go rather than NOT expressing it. On the other hand, she is so often sick when it's time for us to do something together that we've been planning. And I'm feeling scared, b/c we're planning a HUGE expensive trip together soon, and she's cancelled a few big expensive trips at the last minute b/c of illness. I'm also feeling selfish and ungrateful for even feeling these feelings. And I'm feeling confused about whether to express them.

Where I started with this part of this post, before I let myself get all bogged down in my own feelings, was with thinking about "it's not about me." I do get all self-absorbed. She's going through some hard stuff. And her hard stuff really is NOT about me. Hmmm. Maybe I'll go call my sponsor.