Meltdowns

I had two meltdowns today. I've been stressing. I just finished the first week of a new job, and next week is going to be an even bigger transition. I've also pretty much singlehandedly put together a wedding shower for my partner's daughter this weekend, and we entertained her soon-to-be mother-in-law(STBMIL) for the weekend. So, I was exhausted, stressed, and in the let down phase after a big event.

Anyway, my first meltdown was over a book case. My new office is really pretty, but much smaller than I'm used to, and there really isn't room for all my stuff. I've been asking my partner for help in fixing up an old bookcase, and while she tried once, it's just not happening. She told me we'd do it this afternoon after the shower and entertaining was over. Well, she's doing 90 in 90, and had missed the last two days because of the events going on. This afternoon, we got up early to take STBMIL to the airport, then picked up the bride and groom to take them out. Then my partner went to play kickball on team-addict. Then she came home and crashed. When it was time to work on my bookshelf, she had to leave to go hit two meetings. I got hysterical. I tried to keep the feelings from her, b/c I know it's a really good thing that she's doing 90 in 90. It just feels like again, I'm last on the totem pole. Plus, I've tried to do the damn bookshelf myself, and I can't, and I'm feeling really incompetent. Plus, my office really should be ready tomorrorw, and I've got two boxes of books and nowhere to put them. And really, I'm stressing about whether I'm up to this job. BLEH!!

Then comes meltdown #2. This one has been a long time coming. I've been feeling so trapped in the middle between my family of choice and my family of origin. My mother always manages to find some excuse about why there's no room for my family at any given time and event. The most recent thing was room at her beach house next weekend. Meanwhile, there's this wedding that I'm a major financial contributor to and none of my family of origin is invited. This weekend, I'm hearing from the STBMIL about her husband's family who are all coming, and my parents are not invited. Then, this evening, my mom was all nice for a change about including my family and then she started asking about wedding plans. I'm hemming and hawing because she's not invited, and meanwhile, she's offering to sponsor a brunch for the out of town guests. I'm great at keeping my defenses up when people are mean, but when they're nice, I turn to mush. So I ended up sobbing to my mom about how trapped in the middle I'm feeling about the whole thing, and the nicer my mom was, the more I lost it.

Tomorrow starts the real phase of my new job. I'm a mess and so is my office. I still have 2 boxes of books with nowhere to put them. And I'm really worried that I'm not going to be good enough in this position.

Relapse(s) Scare

I woke up this morning at the unGodly hour of 7:30 am to the phone ringing. I let it go to voicemail. It was my oral surgeon's nurse, with a question. She said that my pharmacy had just called in a refill and she had a question about it. SHIT!!!!!!! My mind went immediately reeling. I had been so happy about how we'd worked through having a narcotics prescription for me. But now, I start thinking about the fact that my partner had chosen to have the narcotics filled at a pharmacy that we don't use regularly. At the time, I thought she was just doing it for convenience b/c it was on the way home. (Well, really I wasn't thinking ANYTHING at the time. I was in an IV induced haze.) But now I'm thinking she was planning this all along. Our pharmacist knew how she abused narcotics and that she'd been on suboxone for 6 months. I guess she had just been lulling me into a false sense of security. And since I don't use that pharmacy, I'd never have known if the nurse hadn't called to confirm. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

So I immediately call the nurse back and thank her for informing me. I tell her that it was NOT me who requested a refill. What she said back to me took a minute to sink in. My regular pharmacy had called in a refill of Amoxicillin, which had been prescribed as a premedication since I have a heart murmur. The nurse wanted to know if I thought I had an infection. Hooray! That was a true mistake. And I had been at my pharmacist yesterday refilling other prescriptions.

So, now, I cycle quickly through relief, then beating myself up for my own relapse, but where I'm ending up is sadness. If the same mistake had been made by the pharmacy that filled my narcotic prescription, I would have confronted my partner, and I wouldn't have believed her when she told the truth. I'd have had good reason not to believe her, but it still would have been the truth. It would have damaged both of us. I don't know how to get past that. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boundaries

In couple therapy this week, we worked on boundaries. Our therapist got a rope, gave it to us, got out of the way, and had us set boundaries in the room. We started each holding a piece of rope. My partner took both ends and folded the rope so it was even. The therapist offered to cut it so we could each have our own. I laid mine out first. I had a picture of a Venn Diagram in my head, with most of the space intersected, but with each of us having a small piece that was our own. My partner told me that I was taking too much room and to move my rope. I picked it up and waited for her. She laid hers out. I asked permission to overlap and tried to tell her what my vision was- mostly shared space with a little separate. I was really hesitant about asking for shared space, having been told that I had taken too much already. She agreed. We made our venn diagram, and she immediately stepped into my space. The therapist told me to pick up my rope and make my own space. We were supposed to be getting a sense of our individual space. I wasn't liking it at all. I really wanted some shared space. Then he went on to having us practice saying "stop" when he moved towards our space. He had me go first, since I supposedly have so much of an easier time with boundaries. I was supposedly demonstrating for her, since saying "no," especially to men, is so hard for her. So the meat of the exercize focused on her owning her power and enforcing her boundaries. She did some good work, and that's a good thing.

At the end, the therapist asked me about my experience watching her do her work. I admitted that I had multiple things going on. While I was appreciating the work she did setting boundaries with him, I was also struggling with the feelings the beginning of the exercize brought up for me. It was amazing how much this stupid little exercize brought up for each of us. I talked about how I was the one who supposedly had an easier time with boundaries, but that I had let her take the rope out of my hands originally, had picked up and moved my boundary when she didn't like where I put it first, and hadn't enforced my boundary when she deliberately stepped into my space. I confronted what she said about it. It was said in a joking way, but it's really been true in our relationship. She had said to me, "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine."

The therapist helped me identify a big issue and to ask, "is there room for me?" I asked my partner why she stepped over my boundary, and she said that she wanted me to challenge her. I was able to identify that as I'm getting healthier and less enmeshed, I do want at least a little space that's just mine. I told her that I understand her need to test boundaries, but it conflicts with my need to have my boundaries respected. A hell of a lot of work was done with a silly piece of rope. We talked about the fact that I know her internet password, but she doesn't know mine. That was done at her insistence years ago, because she said that if she knew my password, she'd be tempted to read my email without my permission. We agreed to talk about finding a space in our home for each of us that is ours alone.

Meanwhile, as I've entered the world of blogging, I hadn't told her that I'm sharing here. I've hated having a secret, but I also knew that just like she stepped across my boundary as soon as I laid it, that it was quite likely that she'd search for and read my stuff if I told her it existed, and I worried that it would hurt both of us. But, after our session this week, I told her that I had created a space that's mine, here online, and that I wanted her to respect my boundary and not read it unless she's invited. She agreed. I shared the post I wrote on The Write Thought about being in-between. She liked my writing. I am liking not having a big secret. It's scary, though. The trust stakes are high as I'm learning to set, and hopefully she's learning to respect, boundaries.

Fear and Growth, my latest AFGO

So, I just finished posting about gratitude and being loved. And I AM. Both grateful, and loved. But I finished posting, and all of a sudden I realize that I've been feeling anxious this evening. You know, I'm really retarded when it comes to identifying, let alone labelling my own feelings. Which is really ironic considering the field that I'm in. But then not so ironic considering that a major reason I'm in this helping field is that it's a socially acceptable way of being codependent.

Anyway, the feeling is fear. And it has to do with change. I'm changing job positions, and not by choice. But then, when I think about it, this will be my 9th work location since moving to this town, and only 2 of those moves have been my choice. The last time I actually chose to move was about two decades ago. Literally! So, back to my good old 4th step. Why do I have this fear? It's a lack of trust. But I went to my new place today, and saw two people that I know and like from a previous place. And I'm reminded that change equals growth for me. And growth is a good thing for me.

My very favorite acronym I learned in a 12 step room is AFGO. That's Another F*&%ing Growth Opportunity. Isn't that a great expression? My choice would be to never move out of my comfort zone, which would mean never to grow. I guess this HP of mine is doing for me what I won't do for myself. And I'll survive this AFGO. I may even thrive!!

Thanks for letting me share.

I got a lovenote today!

A platonic lovenote, but a lovenote nonetheless. It was an email from a dear friend from college. I'm not going to say how long ago college was, but suffice it to say that there have been more years since we became friends than there are years before we became friends. I can't say how long it's been since the last time we've talked, but we're the kind of friends where literally years can go by and we can pick up and be right there for/ with each other agan at any time. So, the top of this moment's gratitude list is a surprise lovenote from a dear, dear friend.

Here's my lovenote:

Quote:

I thought of you today and smiled. (Of course, I think of you often; even if I don’t reach out to touch you, you are in my mind all the time.)



Anyway, I got a pedicure over the weekend and picked a fun, bright, summery color that somehow called to me. This morning I was looking at my glimmering toes and suddenly made the connection: the last time I had this color nail polish, we were getting ready for C’s wedding and found a color that exactly matched her bridesmaid dresses! Remember that bright, sparkling magenta we wore? That’s the exact color on my toes this week. J OPI calls it “Ladies and Magenta-men.” (I get a kick out of the names…)



I remember sitting with you and C by the side of a swimming pool (at the hotel?) and doing all our nails. It was hot and we were with friends. It’s such a strong snapshot of a memory, even after all these years. The image hit me like a bus this morning and I’ve been carrying it with me all day.



I just had to share the smile and let you know you are always, always in my thoughts. You and I have so much common history and understanding, from such a formative time in our lives. And that persists, even across gaps in our contact.



I wanted to tell you how much I love you.

J

Endquote


Lucky, lucky, lucky loved me!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Would somebody please tell me the right way to quote in a blog. I keep getting error messages when I try. Or is my HP trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to be putting words in here that are not mine. I'm so confused. OY!