Boundaries

In couple therapy this week, we worked on boundaries. Our therapist got a rope, gave it to us, got out of the way, and had us set boundaries in the room. We started each holding a piece of rope. My partner took both ends and folded the rope so it was even. The therapist offered to cut it so we could each have our own. I laid mine out first. I had a picture of a Venn Diagram in my head, with most of the space intersected, but with each of us having a small piece that was our own. My partner told me that I was taking too much room and to move my rope. I picked it up and waited for her. She laid hers out. I asked permission to overlap and tried to tell her what my vision was- mostly shared space with a little separate. I was really hesitant about asking for shared space, having been told that I had taken too much already. She agreed. We made our venn diagram, and she immediately stepped into my space. The therapist told me to pick up my rope and make my own space. We were supposed to be getting a sense of our individual space. I wasn't liking it at all. I really wanted some shared space. Then he went on to having us practice saying "stop" when he moved towards our space. He had me go first, since I supposedly have so much of an easier time with boundaries. I was supposedly demonstrating for her, since saying "no," especially to men, is so hard for her. So the meat of the exercize focused on her owning her power and enforcing her boundaries. She did some good work, and that's a good thing.

At the end, the therapist asked me about my experience watching her do her work. I admitted that I had multiple things going on. While I was appreciating the work she did setting boundaries with him, I was also struggling with the feelings the beginning of the exercize brought up for me. It was amazing how much this stupid little exercize brought up for each of us. I talked about how I was the one who supposedly had an easier time with boundaries, but that I had let her take the rope out of my hands originally, had picked up and moved my boundary when she didn't like where I put it first, and hadn't enforced my boundary when she deliberately stepped into my space. I confronted what she said about it. It was said in a joking way, but it's really been true in our relationship. She had said to me, "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine."

The therapist helped me identify a big issue and to ask, "is there room for me?" I asked my partner why she stepped over my boundary, and she said that she wanted me to challenge her. I was able to identify that as I'm getting healthier and less enmeshed, I do want at least a little space that's just mine. I told her that I understand her need to test boundaries, but it conflicts with my need to have my boundaries respected. A hell of a lot of work was done with a silly piece of rope. We talked about the fact that I know her internet password, but she doesn't know mine. That was done at her insistence years ago, because she said that if she knew my password, she'd be tempted to read my email without my permission. We agreed to talk about finding a space in our home for each of us that is ours alone.

Meanwhile, as I've entered the world of blogging, I hadn't told her that I'm sharing here. I've hated having a secret, but I also knew that just like she stepped across my boundary as soon as I laid it, that it was quite likely that she'd search for and read my stuff if I told her it existed, and I worried that it would hurt both of us. But, after our session this week, I told her that I had created a space that's mine, here online, and that I wanted her to respect my boundary and not read it unless she's invited. She agreed. I shared the post I wrote on The Write Thought about being in-between. She liked my writing. I am liking not having a big secret. It's scary, though. The trust stakes are high as I'm learning to set, and hopefully she's learning to respect, boundaries.