I woke up this morning at the unGodly hour of 7:30 am to the phone ringing. I let it go to voicemail. It was my oral surgeon's nurse, with a question. She said that my pharmacy had just called in a refill and she had a question about it. SHIT!!!!!!! My mind went immediately reeling. I had been so happy about how we'd worked through having a narcotics prescription for me. But now, I start thinking about the fact that my partner had chosen to have the narcotics filled at a pharmacy that we don't use regularly. At the time, I thought she was just doing it for convenience b/c it was on the way home. (Well, really I wasn't thinking ANYTHING at the time. I was in an IV induced haze.) But now I'm thinking she was planning this all along. Our pharmacist knew how she abused narcotics and that she'd been on suboxone for 6 months. I guess she had just been lulling me into a false sense of security. And since I don't use that pharmacy, I'd never have known if the nurse hadn't called to confirm. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
So I immediately call the nurse back and thank her for informing me. I tell her that it was NOT me who requested a refill. What she said back to me took a minute to sink in. My regular pharmacy had called in a refill of Amoxicillin, which had been prescribed as a premedication since I have a heart murmur. The nurse wanted to know if I thought I had an infection. Hooray! That was a true mistake. And I had been at my pharmacist yesterday refilling other prescriptions.
So, now, I cycle quickly through relief, then beating myself up for my own relapse, but where I'm ending up is sadness. If the same mistake had been made by the pharmacy that filled my narcotic prescription, I would have confronted my partner, and I wouldn't have believed her when she told the truth. I'd have had good reason not to believe her, but it still would have been the truth. It would have damaged both of us. I don't know how to get past that. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
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8 comments:
It must have been relapse morning! My husband was on the phone at around 8:00 when I woke up...I became convinced that he was talking with someone to plan a way to steal my new computer and sell it for drug money. (Of course, you'll hear all about this later with clarifying details).
I hate that my mind goes to that place, first...it goes there for good reason, like you said, but I don't know how to make it stop happening.
I also have realized, though, that I go to the scary, relapse-y, fearful place most quickly in the early mornings or late at night. If I wake up and G is doing anything unusual at all, I become certain that he is plotting to destroy my spirit. When I'm wide awake and have all my resources clear to me, I can process these things much more quickly.
And I also think that the only other thing is TIME...it's just going to take a lot of time. I just hope that he can have the patience with me that I've had with him.
GOD this shit is so HARD. Every day.
Time -- yes. We are huge liars and plotters and planners and thiefs. What a natural place for your mind to go. Mine would, too.
Time -- for a long time my gf kind of kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Well, she describes it more as a "wondering" not a "waiting." It's only been time and my behavior matching my words that has helped her stop that part.
Trust is a tough, tricky thing. Give yourself a break, woman. You didn't actually do any of what you said you could have done.
Be patient with your SELF.
I don't mean to sound like I am minimizing your feelings, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. Believe me, I have seen how tough it is from the other side of my addiction. I have the utmost respect for what you are doing and for your process.
Peace,
Scout
I hope I didn't say or email something that freaked you out or pissed you off.
I haven't heard from you now.
Yes, I AM paranoid.
Peace,
Scout
Ah, Scout.
You're as paranoid as me, huh? No, you didn't freak me out or piss me off. Sorry, I saved the last email to respond to later.
Just super busy, with a lovely dinner with JW in between crises and such.
Yep, you're not only RD, but I can say "I had dinner with RD" WITHOUT including what I feared might be an anxiety-inducing link, and folks still know who you are! It's like J-Lo or K-Fed or Brangelina or Madonna...
I don't think that you should feel bad for your thoughts going where they did.
If trust hadn't been lost by the drug addiction and all the horrible behaviors that go along with that in the first place you wouldn't be suspicious like you are.
Trust is earned and until that point...it's ok to be suspicious.
Can't beat yourself up for having your mind go there (well, ok, you can and you did) -- but still... The further I get in recovery, the less it matters what the truth of the details are -- all that matters is the overall trajectory toward healthiness.
I had a few experiences like this, though they turned out to be for real. I am happy that yours was a mistake. My C loved Vicodin so I know how that goes. It isn't wrong for your mind to go there. Like Discovering Alcoholic put once, paraphrased (but maybe not exact) If recovery isn't priority number one, what is? Well if addicts have to keep it number one then what do we have to keep number one? Us. And our recovery. And forgiving but not forgetting is one of those things I think.
Married to My Ex
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