struggle for balance

Last night, I tried to give my partner a "restitution gift." It's a tool our therapist taught us to clear up messes. The concept is that when someone in the relationship does something that hurts the other one, we can offer a restitution gift. It has to be something that the giver would LOVE to give and the receiver would LOVE to get.

Here's the background. It's complicated. Stay with me. (Or don't. I'm really just trying to sort it out for myself.) I had shared that I was really hurt by my partner saying "fuck you" to me during an intentional dialogue. He suggested that we talk about it, and that she offer me a restitution gift. She got upset and said that I owed her one. She said she didn't remember why but that she's sure I didn't give her one a couple of months ago. Actually, from my memory, even that incident was about me trying to own my part of a problem without her being willing to own hers. I had owned my piece of an issue and offered a restitution gift. She refused the gift, didn't own her piece, and left mad. Then about a week later, she comes back and says she's changed her mind and wants a restitution gift. I don't remember whether I gave it to her or not. It was a long time ago. But I agreed to give her one this week. And she agreed to process with me about my feelings about her saying "fuck you" to me during an intentional dialogue. (If you're trying to keep up, that's what brought up the restitution gift in the first place.)

So, last night I tried to give my restitution gift, a body massage. First, she told me that I wasn't really massaging, I was just touching. Then, she told me I was rubbing too hard. I told her I needed to stop. I was trying to give her a gift, and all I kept hearing was that I wasn't doing it right. One of my biggest triggers is that I'm not good enough, and it was getting majorly activated. Then, she got triggered by my being triggered. I'm not going to go into her stuff, but I acknowledged her feelings, and held her and she went to sleep.

OK, here's some of what's bothering me. I tried to take care of her by giving her the restitution gift. She has yet to bring up the dialogue about the "fuck you." Maybe she will before Wednesday, but I doubt it. Ok, I know, that's having an expectation, which is a premeditated resentment.

But things feel way out of balance for me. It feels like I take care of her, and she takes care of her. Last night, what went better for me was that I took care of me too by stopping when I needed to and by sharing my feelings. She took care of her by sharing her feelings. I took care of her by acknowledging, reflecting, and then holding her. So what went better is that I took care of me and I took care of her and she took care of her. At least I was in the equation, since I tried taking car of me. But something's still missing here.