I spent the last 3 days tantrumming. Tuesday, I had a great big hit-and-kick-the-wall tantrum. I've never done that before. It's not fair. I want more. I've been so frustrated that I'm expected to suck it up for her family but she won't show up at all for mine. What it comes down to is that I just don't feel important to her when what's important to me isn't important to her. She's been really good about containing me, which I guess is a good thing. But I end up feeling managed and dismissed. I feel like she can't hear me, so I yell louder and cry more. Yeah, that'll make her hear me. Sigh.
Hell, I even tantrummed over at Two Women Blogging b/c MPJ posted hand pics there and did't include the one of the two of us. Kinda ironic when she just gave me a "nice" award. I'm not feeling nice. I'm also, and at the same time, feeling punished for being nice. Like being nice makes it easier for my needs to be ignored. Maybe I need a good dose of "not nice."
I know, the party line is that I can only change me. But I'm not liking my options. I want balance. I don't wanna be not nice. But I can't make my partner be nice. I guess what I'm really feeling is insignificant. Damn it!!!
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Oh, R! I need to e-mail you. I posted the hand picture on my blog. (I'm going to tantrum now because you didn't notice.) I cropped out our ring fingers for anonymity, but I have been meaning to send you a copy of the full photo.
I hear you on the place you're in -- not nice and too nice all at the same time, which amounts to unheard and unimportant and unloved. :( I need to hop on a plane so that I can fix you with more calzones and soda.
You sound just like my gf when I was in early recovery.
We got through it. So will you. I trust that as much as I trust the process.
Peace and Love, friend,
Scout
Look at you over here SOUNDING as crazy-eyed as you LOOKED last week! I love you, crazy.
I am all for a little break from nice every now and then. Claim your inner bitch even if just for a day.
Here's me, weeks late... I'm a bad CF
I so need to read your blog every day. And I really need to figure out who in my life is the addict because all this codie stuff is me. I get so damn sick of having to be NICE all the time, of having to be the one with no needs at all while everyone else (my mother, my brother, my colleagues at work, my patients, my husband) get to have needs ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Fuck that.
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