Abandonment AFGO

I'm apparently supposed to be looking at my abandonment issues today.

My partner went away on a planned recovery retreat for the weekend. Then, Thursday, we found out that we'd be facing another major loss today. The other loss was not unexpected, but it doesn't make it any less hard. And because of her retreat, I'm having to face the work of it and the feelings of it alone. Rah.

Her leaving was unpleasant. I know she was excited, but she was also incredibly self-absorbed. I was trying to deal with my feelings surrounding her short leave and then today's permanent one. I was trying not to be clingy. She made it easier and easier not to be clingy with her obnoxiousness towards me and everyone else in the house. Before she left, I'd finally had enough, and told her so. I told her to have a nice trip, and went back into the house. As she left, she apologized for being bitchy.

Now I'm caught in that damned trap between detachment and accepting unacceptable behavior. I want her to know exactly how she added to my pain this weekend instead of sharing it. I want to spell it out for her, give her a laundry list of her transgressions.

I'm also realizing that I'm wanting to use my hurt and anger about her behavior yesterday to distract me from my feelings of today.

I'll survive this loss. I always do. And I've chosen this life situation which involves attaching and then losing people in my life. What makes me so good at what I do is the very thing that makes it so hard when it's over. This time, I knew going in that it was particularly short-term. The first time I went through this, I thought I was gonna die. But I didn't. And I didn't REALLY lose the person. He's just in my life in a very different way today. Today's loss makes number 8 and 9. I'll survive it, like I have every other one. And I'll willingly sign on for more.

I've made some tentative plans to take care of me this weekend. I'll get through it. I wish we were getting through it together, but that's just not in the cards today. God apparently REALLY wants me to work on this abandonment stuff today.