I have therapy homework. I'm supposed to write about what I want to ask for in my relationship. It came from a daily meditation that I brought to therapy last week (January 27) from The Language of Letting Go on Needing People. I realized that not only am I the person who has unmet dependency needs and drives people away by needing too much, but I've also become the opposite end of the spectrum- someone who's become used to someone not being there for me, so I push her away, and don't allow myself to need.
So, what do I want to ask for?
I'd love to have some kind of routine with intimacy. It doesn't have to be sex, but physical intimacy. Routines seem to work for my partner. She's gotten herself back into a routine for attending meetings, and it's got her in a good place again. She has some routines for expressing her love by taking care of me. She lays my clothes out every night. I wake up in the mornings and feel loved. I'd love to have some kind of routine where we are physically intimate. It'd be fun to make up a ritual together. If we made it into a routine, I'd know when to expect it, and it would make me feel safe.
I'd love for her to figure out a system to help her remember her committments that are not routines. She's supposed to be asking for an intentional dialogue a week. She forgot again. My guess is that she forgot to do her homework this week. I understand that she has a hard time with memory, but when she forgets things regarding our relationship on a regular basis, I end up feeling unimportant. So, I'd love her to develop a system- a calendar, a place to keep reminders, a string around her finger, sticky notes on her forehead. I don't care WHAT the system is, but I'd love her to make that kind of a committment to us.
I'd love it if when she commits to do something "someday," she could give me a timeline. Months ago, she said she'd attend an OA meeting with me. She's forever complaining about her weight and her compulsive eating. But, we got this dynamic going where every week I'd ask her and every week she'd say no. It's part of what prompted me to bring the writing which promted this homework. So, I would love it if she'd say that she'd come by a specific date, and then use whatever system she creates to do what she says she's gonna do.
I'd love more time devoted to recovery TOGETHER. It could be OA. There's a couples recovery group that Margaux told me about that meets not too far away from here. It meets on her homegroup night, so I doubt we could go all the time, but maybe that could be something we check out together. We started a tradition study a long time ago, and then did tradition 1 again a couple weeks ago. We could get ourselves back into a routine with that. I don't really care WHAT form of recovery we do together, but I'd love to do some kind of recovery together, and again, have it be something I can count on.
I guess, bottom line is I want there to be more of an US, and I want to be able to count on her.
Homework done.
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3 comments:
I think what your asking for is perfectly reasonable dear one. I hope she finds comfort in the knowledge your asking for a stronger commitment to one another. (Hugs)Indigo
I also struggle with not asking for things because I expect the need not to be met. The memory thing is something my husband struggles with as well. He's actually looking into ADD and seeing if some of the techniques and treatments there would help.
It is great that you both agreed to go to therapy. (so many couple wind up not doing it and drifting away).
I like the homework assignment.
I wish you the very best. I'm always reading Recovery Blogs.. since my father was an alcoholic and my soon to be 23 year old daughter.
And I'm in recovery from being a CODIE (co-dependent). I'm learning to say NO in relationship; state my needs and wants...etc.
It is two steps forward and 1 back... but I'm recovering.
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