I was talking to a friend who's struggling this week with her husband and the addict that shares body space with him. I described it as being in a threesome. It's funny how easy it is for me to see in somebody else, and how hard it is when it's in my own relationship.
Last night, my partner confided in me that she's been in relapse mode for about a week now, and that she went through my purse to see if there were any leftover narcotics in there from my kidney stone. She said that her sponsor told her that she had to tell me. She said that she didn't agree, but her sponsor told her that she didn't have to agree, she just had to do it.
She really seems honestly confused about why it's a good thing to tell me these things. I told her that I'm really glad that she let me in, because right now, it feels like me and her against her addict where when she keeps things from me, it feels like her and her addict against me.
This morning, I had a new insight, though. It's only MY perception that when she keeps things from me it's her addict and her against me. And honestly, when we're in the midst of it, I don't see the addict, so I think that it's just her who's against me. When her addict is running the show, no matter how much I try to give her both hands, that is tell her the things I appreciate as much as the things that upset me, she can only hear the bad stuff. So, in her mind, it's me (and her addict) against her.
When we're not being intentional with each other, neither of us really see the addict as a player in our psychodrama. So we see each other as the enemy and we turn from or lash out at each other.
I want to try to hold on to the realization that I really am a part of a threesome. I wish I could just kick the addict out of our relationship, but since the addict is a parasite of the person I love, that's just not an option. But, maybe if I get clearer about who's who, it'll be easier for me to have compassion for my partner. I can really see her better. And maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see me with more clarity too.
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9 comments:
I like the insight, R. And threesome makes me giggle. :)
Clarity will also help you see yourself directly, not just refracted through your struggle with her addict.
I love this post. I've often thought of the substance as another person in relationship with the addict, and when addictive thinking is active, it seems like the substance (or behavior) is the addict's only ally. Your description deepens that understanding. Thank you for that - I only wish you hadn't had to experience it to explain it.
boy - you nailed it. It is a threesome. When I remain lucid about that it sure makes things better. However, when I "go back to sleep" it always bites me on the ass. Thanks for sharing this!
Donna
That is an excellent way to describe the sensation of facing a person's addict, R! It really is like being in a threesome, and not in the good way!
This is such a great insight, R. It's just been over the past few months that I've really been able to see how the addict and my husband are NOT the same person. It took his going completely off the deep end, though, for me to see that. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing this.
..that is a refreshing way to view this disease.
Happy V-Day to you and your partner.
I hope this year is filled with a lot of recovery.
I went to an OPEN AA for the first time last night.. and it was nice seeing Recovery in full gear... (it gives me hope for my daughter and others)
Yo, if you include the word "lesbian" in this post somewhere, I bet you'll get a thousand hits from folks looking for "lesbian threesome."
You just got search engine optimized. I'll send you a bill.
I think that's an appropriate sentiment with ANY type of issues we deal with to the extreme. I was thinking about my daughter during this post and her demons that she battles with, and therefore, that we battle with. Maybe if I could just think of it as the third party rather than her...but that can be so hard to do when you're in the middle of everything and the demon is trying to destroy all you hold dear.
What a great insight hon! It makes it easier to see your partner when you can give the addiction it's own persona. (Hugs)Indigo
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