Threesome

I was talking to a friend who's struggling this week with her husband and the addict that shares body space with him. I described it as being in a threesome. It's funny how easy it is for me to see in somebody else, and how hard it is when it's in my own relationship.

Last night, my partner confided in me that she's been in relapse mode for about a week now, and that she went through my purse to see if there were any leftover narcotics in there from my kidney stone. She said that her sponsor told her that she had to tell me. She said that she didn't agree, but her sponsor told her that she didn't have to agree, she just had to do it.

She really seems honestly confused about why it's a good thing to tell me these things. I told her that I'm really glad that she let me in, because right now, it feels like me and her against her addict where when she keeps things from me, it feels like her and her addict against me.

This morning, I had a new insight, though. It's only MY perception that when she keeps things from me it's her addict and her against me. And honestly, when we're in the midst of it, I don't see the addict, so I think that it's just her who's against me. When her addict is running the show, no matter how much I try to give her both hands, that is tell her the things I appreciate as much as the things that upset me, she can only hear the bad stuff. So, in her mind, it's me (and her addict) against her.

When we're not being intentional with each other, neither of us really see the addict as a player in our psychodrama. So we see each other as the enemy and we turn from or lash out at each other.

I want to try to hold on to the realization that I really am a part of a threesome. I wish I could just kick the addict out of our relationship, but since the addict is a parasite of the person I love, that's just not an option. But, maybe if I get clearer about who's who, it'll be easier for me to have compassion for my partner. I can really see her better. And maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see me with more clarity too.

Codies AND Addicts: our meeting of 2

We've been travelling together. Night before last we tried to find meetings and got lost. So, like we did once before, we decided to have our own meeting, this time on the beach. It was really an awesome experience. Somehow, the formality of doing readings, choosing a topic, and not cross talking is really magical for us. Since it's been on my mind a lot lately, I chose the topic of what codies and addicts have in common. I started out sharing some of the stuff I talked about here, but as we went back and forth taking turns, we came up with a lot more. She shared that she thinks that both often come from backgrounds where we didn't get our needs met, though it may be less obvious in a codie's background. We talked about the vulnerability we both share. We talked about the fact that we both have to work the same steps and work through our own character defects. We talked about how for both, it's easier to look at the other person's character defects than to focus on our own. We talked about why the cycle seems to start out for each of us chasing and getting a high from our own behavior but why it ends up going south. She shared that the addict pulls in more and more as he or she is chasing that high, and that the codie chases the addict (our drug of choice). It makes sense to me. It used to work that I'd get all my needs of feeling important and belonging by taking care of her and her wanting to be taken care of. Then, as she isolated more and more with her drugs, I kept trying to pursue to get those good feeling while she was busy trying to withdraw. I wish I hadn't waited two days to post this, b/c there was a lot more that I'm not remembering now. But it was a GREAT meeting! And I'm really grateful.

Codies vs. Addicts

I've joined a new community, The Junky's Wives Club. There seems to be a thread within a thread in "How do you get better" that I'm really drawn to. I'm obsessing (of course) about the label b/c it looks like an antagonistic us vs. them when I mean it in the compare/contrast kind of way. I mentioned in the other thread that I see my primary addiction as to my addict. And that just like my addict does, I start out engaging in the behavior of my drug of choice (being enmeshed) because it makes me feel good. But then, it takes more and more to give me the high until I no longer get the high, I just have to engage in the behavior.

For me, the flip side is way more complicated. I've been noticing over the last week that the addicts in my community tend to open and close with the "we version" of the serenity prayer- God grant US the serenity... In our naranon circle, we use what the addicts refer to as the "me" version. I do think that both versions are appropriate for the groups that are using them. I think that part of getting healthy for me is learning to focus more on me, figuring out who I am and what I want. I use my addictive behavior to avoid me. My partner tends to isolate in her disease. When she's in her disease, she'd much rather be alone with her pill bottle than interacting with anyone, including me. She gets extremely self absorbed and she can't even see me.

On the surface, it seems that she get's self absorbed in her disease and I get selfless. I've often said that we got waaaay out of balance, and for us to get better, I need to focus more on me and SHE needs to focus more on me. But here's where it gets complicated. My selfless behavior really is SELF LESS. It's not generous and loving. It's disappearing. The more I think about it, our behavior here isn't that different at all. Both of us lose ourselves in our drugs of choice. And as we get healthier, both of us become more available, both to ourselves and each other.