Please see me, revisited

Here I go again with that feeling like I'm screaming out exactly what I need and I'm not being heard.

After calling the doc in hysterics this morning saying that I can't take another week of this pain, they agreed to fit me in today. I told them what meds I'd taken, and they said that it was ok, but that I'd have to stop taking the motrin immediately.

Today was a miseable day. The meds I'm on make me dehydrated, and I wasn't allowed to eat or drink all day.

At one point, I called my partner and begged her to bring me to the ER for the day until I could be seen. But the docs told me not to go, b/c they'd give me meds that would prevent me from having the procedure. So I stuck it out at home.

When I'm sick, what I need more than anything is petting. When I'm emotionally needy, my partner withdraws from me. Fun times. I felt like I was being really clear in telling her what I needed, but I just wasn't getting it. She needed her hand to smoke a cigarette while she was driving, so she couldn't touch me. I sat there trying to pet myself. It just doesn't have the same effect.

Once I'd gone through all my preop procedures including an IV and sedation meds, I was ON THE TABLE when they asked (for the third time today) when was the last time I'd taken a motrin. I answered the same thing I'd been saying, yesterday. They told me they couldn't do the procedure. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

We got home, and my partner went downstairs. She went and did a few errands, coming back into the house 3 different times, but not coming upstairs to check on me. I know she's overwhelmed, but I really needed her. I thought about ways I could get my petting and food needs met without my partner. I called a friend who's a great nurturer for me, only to find that she's in the hospital too. And my wonderful recovery friend offered to drive across town to bring me some broth.

I guess my secret message was in humility. I had to really humble myself to my partner and lay out what I needed from her. I told her I need lots of extra petting right now and I need her to check on me more often. I think I got through. I hate that it's such an effort.