My partner and I were conditionally fired from couples therapy last night. Well, actually, SHE was conditionally fired, but since it's pretty difficult to do couple's therapy alone, the effect is the same.
I know she's confused. She has been stepping up lately. She took care of me when I was sick, and she got her step 1 homework completed.
But, she was agonizingly passive aggressive in therapy yesterday throughout the entire session, and the therapist had had enough. He asked how many meetings she's been going to. She had committed to her sponsor to go to 5 a week after the last time she picked up a white chip in the beginning of November. I don't think she has yet to honor that commitment, and she hasn't told her sponsor that she's not doing it. The therapist told her AGAIN that she does her best work in therapy when she's taking good care of herself by going to lots of meetings. He said that he felt like he was in a session with a 6 year old, and he just can't do couples therapy that way. He said that he sees me getting healthier and healthier, and if she doesn't make some changes, he thinks I'll leave her. He said that he won't continue with us unless she goes to 5 meetings a week. She said she'd discuss it with her sponsor. It was hard hearing her not be willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship. It's interesting timing, because she's also been conditionally fired by her individual therapist for a couple of weeks now, because she's been choosing not to submit insurance papers for YEARS!!! She agreed during our 3 hour session with HER therapist not to go back until she'd submitted the paperwork. That was the beginning of December, and she just hasn't gone back.
I'm trying to stay in the moment and take care of me. Last night, our meeting topic was Live and Let Live. After the meeting, I went out with my sponsor and sponsee. I can't make my partner's choices for her. I can only make my OWN choices. Just for today, I'm going to work really hard on keeping the focus on ME!!!
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5 comments:
It's difficult to watch people make choices we don't understand. I'm glad you're staying in your moment, and taking care of yourself.
Love to you, R.
This must be a little frightening as well as difficult and sad. However, I want you to know that I'm in your corner and know that in there is some validation for the hard work that you have been doing. Keep you chin up, keep moving forward and let me know if you need anything!
Hard as her stuff is, I'm glad to hear the shrinks are seeing the growth in you. In the end, no matter what her choices are, you will be ok because you are doing the work you need to do for you...and that's awesome.
R, it reminds me so much of what's going on with many of our kids...leaving them to make their own choices even when their choices may break our hearts...and also making choices regarding our relationship with them that are the best for us. Really, what else can we do? If our desire or behavior or wishes had the power to change our loved ones, it would already be done. All we can do is work on our own selves and take care of our part of the relationship. The more I have been able to do that, the happier I have become.
Love,
Lisa
I had to break up with my boyfriend. He just turned 55, I'll be 48... I met him when I was new in my recovery in Al-Anon and after a year I grew and he did NOT.
In fact he was trying to sabotage my progress of Recovery. (long story).
He did try to give me an engagement ring (well more like a pre-engagement ring since no wedding day). I decline and moving on.
He needs Al-Anon instead of hurting me with his words; fears; and so Passive=Aggressive........ (what a shame. I really Love him.. but he hurt me because I allowed it.. my own fault).
I'm moving forward.......it seems everyone I dated or married was either workaholic; alcoholics; or passive-aggressive from having grown up in Alcoholic Homes and not seeking recovery (I was like that too and I'm happy I'm recovery more and more each day).
At my age I just want Serenity and not be in any Drama.......or have others lean on me in areas that they should be MORE WHOLE.
I hope things work out with you and your partner.. It is a shame when one person grows and the other won't.. even if they really on some level want to do so..
Betty Ann
P.S....I found your link through another blogger............Your really caught my eye.. since you are using the same color scheme..of browns/peaches colors..as my own Blog.
Best to you in 2009..
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