I'm working step 2 online with my compulsive overeater group at TJWC. Here are a few of my realizations:
I'm realizing this time around how much I blame my partner for behaviors that I do as well. I get frustrated with her for not speaking her truth to me, but I realize that I'm doing the same thing. I am afraid, and I stuff my feelings rather than owning them and speaking them. I also blame her for the isolating we do as a couple. I want her to go to social things with me, in part because I'm fearful of going alone. I want her to change so that I can feel better, and I know that that's insane.
I'm also seeing more clearly today how I've really been clinging to my compulsive overeating. I've been working the steps, hard, when it comes to codependency. I'm a whole lot better in that area, though obviously not cured. (See above paragraph.) But, I continue to do the same things expecting different results when it comes to compulsive overeating, and that IS insane.
It's interesting how as I work the steps again and again I find different stumbling blocks. Before, I've really struggled with the God steps, because I didn't really believe in a God who would have a personal relationship with me. Today, I have an ever deepening relationship with my higher power and I KNOW that he can and does restore me to sanity when I let him.
But I've been actively keeping my higher power out of this area of my life, because I haven't been ready to let go of MY WILL. I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "La La La" rather than being WILLing to look at God's WILL for my life and asking for the POWER to carry that out. All of a sudden, I'm looking at those critical words from step 11- WILL and POWER. My willpower certainly doesn't work in the area of food. But, if I ask for God's WILL for me and the POWER to carry that out, I know that it will work for me. Today, I feel like I'm moving more towards being ready.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Threesome
I was talking to a friend who's struggling this week with her husband and the addict that shares body space with him. I described it as being in a threesome. It's funny how easy it is for me to see in somebody else, and how hard it is when it's in my own relationship.
Last night, my partner confided in me that she's been in relapse mode for about a week now, and that she went through my purse to see if there were any leftover narcotics in there from my kidney stone. She said that her sponsor told her that she had to tell me. She said that she didn't agree, but her sponsor told her that she didn't have to agree, she just had to do it.
She really seems honestly confused about why it's a good thing to tell me these things. I told her that I'm really glad that she let me in, because right now, it feels like me and her against her addict where when she keeps things from me, it feels like her and her addict against me.
This morning, I had a new insight, though. It's only MY perception that when she keeps things from me it's her addict and her against me. And honestly, when we're in the midst of it, I don't see the addict, so I think that it's just her who's against me. When her addict is running the show, no matter how much I try to give her both hands, that is tell her the things I appreciate as much as the things that upset me, she can only hear the bad stuff. So, in her mind, it's me (and her addict) against her.
When we're not being intentional with each other, neither of us really see the addict as a player in our psychodrama. So we see each other as the enemy and we turn from or lash out at each other.
I want to try to hold on to the realization that I really am a part of a threesome. I wish I could just kick the addict out of our relationship, but since the addict is a parasite of the person I love, that's just not an option. But, maybe if I get clearer about who's who, it'll be easier for me to have compassion for my partner. I can really see her better. And maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see me with more clarity too.
Last night, my partner confided in me that she's been in relapse mode for about a week now, and that she went through my purse to see if there were any leftover narcotics in there from my kidney stone. She said that her sponsor told her that she had to tell me. She said that she didn't agree, but her sponsor told her that she didn't have to agree, she just had to do it.
She really seems honestly confused about why it's a good thing to tell me these things. I told her that I'm really glad that she let me in, because right now, it feels like me and her against her addict where when she keeps things from me, it feels like her and her addict against me.
This morning, I had a new insight, though. It's only MY perception that when she keeps things from me it's her addict and her against me. And honestly, when we're in the midst of it, I don't see the addict, so I think that it's just her who's against me. When her addict is running the show, no matter how much I try to give her both hands, that is tell her the things I appreciate as much as the things that upset me, she can only hear the bad stuff. So, in her mind, it's me (and her addict) against her.
When we're not being intentional with each other, neither of us really see the addict as a player in our psychodrama. So we see each other as the enemy and we turn from or lash out at each other.
I want to try to hold on to the realization that I really am a part of a threesome. I wish I could just kick the addict out of our relationship, but since the addict is a parasite of the person I love, that's just not an option. But, maybe if I get clearer about who's who, it'll be easier for me to have compassion for my partner. I can really see her better. And maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to see me with more clarity too.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Asking for what I want
I have therapy homework. I'm supposed to write about what I want to ask for in my relationship. It came from a daily meditation that I brought to therapy last week (January 27) from The Language of Letting Go on Needing People. I realized that not only am I the person who has unmet dependency needs and drives people away by needing too much, but I've also become the opposite end of the spectrum- someone who's become used to someone not being there for me, so I push her away, and don't allow myself to need.
So, what do I want to ask for?
I'd love to have some kind of routine with intimacy. It doesn't have to be sex, but physical intimacy. Routines seem to work for my partner. She's gotten herself back into a routine for attending meetings, and it's got her in a good place again. She has some routines for expressing her love by taking care of me. She lays my clothes out every night. I wake up in the mornings and feel loved. I'd love to have some kind of routine where we are physically intimate. It'd be fun to make up a ritual together. If we made it into a routine, I'd know when to expect it, and it would make me feel safe.
I'd love for her to figure out a system to help her remember her committments that are not routines. She's supposed to be asking for an intentional dialogue a week. She forgot again. My guess is that she forgot to do her homework this week. I understand that she has a hard time with memory, but when she forgets things regarding our relationship on a regular basis, I end up feeling unimportant. So, I'd love her to develop a system- a calendar, a place to keep reminders, a string around her finger, sticky notes on her forehead. I don't care WHAT the system is, but I'd love her to make that kind of a committment to us.
I'd love it if when she commits to do something "someday," she could give me a timeline. Months ago, she said she'd attend an OA meeting with me. She's forever complaining about her weight and her compulsive eating. But, we got this dynamic going where every week I'd ask her and every week she'd say no. It's part of what prompted me to bring the writing which promted this homework. So, I would love it if she'd say that she'd come by a specific date, and then use whatever system she creates to do what she says she's gonna do.
I'd love more time devoted to recovery TOGETHER. It could be OA. There's a couples recovery group that Margaux told me about that meets not too far away from here. It meets on her homegroup night, so I doubt we could go all the time, but maybe that could be something we check out together. We started a tradition study a long time ago, and then did tradition 1 again a couple weeks ago. We could get ourselves back into a routine with that. I don't really care WHAT form of recovery we do together, but I'd love to do some kind of recovery together, and again, have it be something I can count on.
I guess, bottom line is I want there to be more of an US, and I want to be able to count on her.
Homework done.
So, what do I want to ask for?
I'd love to have some kind of routine with intimacy. It doesn't have to be sex, but physical intimacy. Routines seem to work for my partner. She's gotten herself back into a routine for attending meetings, and it's got her in a good place again. She has some routines for expressing her love by taking care of me. She lays my clothes out every night. I wake up in the mornings and feel loved. I'd love to have some kind of routine where we are physically intimate. It'd be fun to make up a ritual together. If we made it into a routine, I'd know when to expect it, and it would make me feel safe.
I'd love for her to figure out a system to help her remember her committments that are not routines. She's supposed to be asking for an intentional dialogue a week. She forgot again. My guess is that she forgot to do her homework this week. I understand that she has a hard time with memory, but when she forgets things regarding our relationship on a regular basis, I end up feeling unimportant. So, I'd love her to develop a system- a calendar, a place to keep reminders, a string around her finger, sticky notes on her forehead. I don't care WHAT the system is, but I'd love her to make that kind of a committment to us.
I'd love it if when she commits to do something "someday," she could give me a timeline. Months ago, she said she'd attend an OA meeting with me. She's forever complaining about her weight and her compulsive eating. But, we got this dynamic going where every week I'd ask her and every week she'd say no. It's part of what prompted me to bring the writing which promted this homework. So, I would love it if she'd say that she'd come by a specific date, and then use whatever system she creates to do what she says she's gonna do.
I'd love more time devoted to recovery TOGETHER. It could be OA. There's a couples recovery group that Margaux told me about that meets not too far away from here. It meets on her homegroup night, so I doubt we could go all the time, but maybe that could be something we check out together. We started a tradition study a long time ago, and then did tradition 1 again a couple weeks ago. We could get ourselves back into a routine with that. I don't really care WHAT form of recovery we do together, but I'd love to do some kind of recovery together, and again, have it be something I can count on.
I guess, bottom line is I want there to be more of an US, and I want to be able to count on her.
Homework done.
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