OK, God.

OK, God,

Apparently you really want me to speak at a 12 step recovery program. The last time I was asked, my character defects got in the way. I said that I had already committed to another recovery program. What I didn't say was that I hadn't committed to actually do any service at that program, just to attend.

So, I got asked again. I'm supposed to speak about the principles behind the first three steps: honesty, hope, and faith.

Well, to be honest, God, my character defects of low self esteem and perfectionism almost got in the way again. But this time, I had hope that I could actually do this. And as I'm continuing on my 12 step journey, that hope has blossomed into faith. Today, I have faith that if I follow your will and do this thing rather than my will and avoid it, you'll help me choose my words so that I might be an instrument of attraction.

So, Help me, God. Remind me that it's ok to do this thing perfectly imperfectly. Help me to turn fear to faith. Help the words that we choose together to reach somebody who hasn't yet found the courage to start on this journey to start taking that first step. Help me to share at least some of the wonderful gifts that you've given me as I've journeyed through these steps again and again and again.

Thanks, God!

Will- Power

I'm working step 2 online with my compulsive overeater group at TJWC. Here are a few of my realizations:

I'm realizing this time around how much I blame my partner for behaviors that I do as well. I get frustrated with her for not speaking her truth to me, but I realize that I'm doing the same thing. I am afraid, and I stuff my feelings rather than owning them and speaking them. I also blame her for the isolating we do as a couple. I want her to go to social things with me, in part because I'm fearful of going alone. I want her to change so that I can feel better, and I know that that's insane.

I'm also seeing more clearly today how I've really been clinging to my compulsive overeating. I've been working the steps, hard, when it comes to codependency. I'm a whole lot better in that area, though obviously not cured. (See above paragraph.) But, I continue to do the same things expecting different results when it comes to compulsive overeating, and that IS insane.

It's interesting how as I work the steps again and again I find different stumbling blocks. Before, I've really struggled with the God steps, because I didn't really believe in a God who would have a personal relationship with me. Today, I have an ever deepening relationship with my higher power and I KNOW that he can and does restore me to sanity when I let him.

But I've been actively keeping my higher power out of this area of my life, because I haven't been ready to let go of MY WILL. I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "La La La" rather than being WILLing to look at God's WILL for my life and asking for the POWER to carry that out. All of a sudden, I'm looking at those critical words from step 11- WILL and POWER. My willpower certainly doesn't work in the area of food. But, if I ask for God's WILL for me and the POWER to carry that out, I know that it will work for me. Today, I feel like I'm moving more towards being ready.

Step 2- OA Edition

We just finished step 2 in my online writing workshop. Yesterday, we read step 2 in the OA 12 and 12 in my OA meeting. The beginning of the reading focused on the insanity of the disease of compulsive overeating. There was so much that fit me. Eating way past being full to the point of being uncomfortable over and over again is the one that resonated the most. It really is compulsive behavior.

You know, one of the first things someone told me when I was trying to understand abstinence in OA was to choose one trigger food and abstain from that. For me, it was car candy. If I have candy in the car, I over-eat it. Last week, for the first time in a while, I bought a bag of candy corn and put it in my car. I decided a few days ago to limit myself to 5 pieces in every car trip. That worked for a few days. I thought to myself that maybe I'd figured out a plan of eating car candy. But then yesterday, ON MY WAY TO MY OA MEETING, I finished off the bag. Ok, God, I guess I really AM an addict, and I can't have car candy and eat just a little.

Later in the step 2 OA reading, they talked about the destructive cycle we go through. It talked about how we turn to food for comfort, but we need more and more. It said that we keep seeking that comfort that comes from food, even when it stops working. You could have inserted crack or opiods for food in that passage, and it would have been the same. I really DO have an addiction and I really am powerless over it. There really is insanity in my relationship with food. And I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. It works for my disease of codependency. It can work for my disease of compulsive overeating as well.

God of my Growing Understanding

The first time I worked the steps, I believed in the power of the 12 step program and in the power of my group. That was enough for me to continue working the steps despite my status as an Agnostic Jew.

Then, the most recent time I worked the steps, I embraced the idea that I really didn't have to understand, and started praying to the God of my Lack of Understanding.

Now, here I am on Step 2 again, and I'm noticing that I'm much more comfortable with and in tune with a growing understanding of God.

This weekend, my Jewish community had a weekend study. We looked a lot at our undertanding of God. Our visiting student Rabbi talked about being made in God's image not being a physical thing, but rather that when we are doing right in the world, we bring a piece of God to the world. That works for me. She also shared some liturgy describing the relationship between God and people in many different ways and described it as many different entry points into a relationship with God.

I still don't buy the Disney Dad God or the Wrathful God. I don't know that there's someone up there watching every move I make and making decisions based on my behavior. I also don't buy God, the puppeteer, who's got me on a string and I only think I'm making my own decisions.

But God as the still small voice inside me that helps me choose the next right thing, that works for me. God as the message that really speaks to me from a reading or from a friend also works for me.

And regardless of my complete lack of understanding or my growing understanding, the program, and my understanding, works when I work it.