Here we go again

My partner brought up the idea again of going back to our former doctor last night. She's actually being very reasonable and accomodating about it and I'm being certifiably crazy. She said that she's ultimately responsible for her medical decisions and that it's her responsiblity to check out what's being prescribed to make sure it's safe for her. She said that she'd like to go together to see the former doc, and that she'd sign a new release allowing me total access to the doctor. IF I didn't trust her, she said I'd have full permission to check things out with him directly. She said that we'd make an agreement up front that she is not to be prescribed narcotics unless it's a last resort. She said that what happened was her fault, since she lied to the doctor and that we didn't give him a fair chance. She said that she really trusts him and that he's a much better doctor than the one we've been going to lately.

Almost all of what she's saying makes sense logically, but I just get completely crazy over the idea of either of us going back to this man. I feel sooooo betrayed by him. Just the idea of him is traumatizing to me at this point. I don't really get why my feelings are sooooooo big around this, but they clearly are.

Yet again, I'm having this huge war within myself. On the one hand,I feel really hurt that she keeps bringing this option up. Every time I get completely triggered and end up a total mess and she tells me she gets it and promises not to go back to him and not to bring it up again, but then she brings it up again and I completely lose it again. At this point, it feels like she keeps retraumatizing me. But then again, I don't want her to keep what she's thinking and feeling from me.

I don't know. It's late. I'm a mess.

triggered, and growth

So I was sharing with my partner this morning about some of my most recent insecurities and confusions in this virtual world and she got triggered. We were snuggling, talking, and she got quiet and then bolted out of bed. The topic was just too much for her. My head knew it wasn't about me, but my feelings got hurt anyway. Both of us are making progress though. I was able to ask for reassurance. She was able to tell me that it's not about me. (Yeah, I know this, but I still need to hear it.) I was able to tell her that it would really help me if/when she can share with me in an intentional dialogue, but if she can't, I'll understand. GROWTH.