UNfired!

I got unfired today. Shew. I still have some choices to make, and whatever happens is going to involve some major changes, but my biggest crazy is behind me.

Crazy

I'm doing that thing where I don't post and there gets to be more and more to post so I get overwhelmed and post nothing.

Work is crazy. Home is crazy. (Yep, I'm home. I left her and she didn't notice.) Mostly, I'm CRAZY!!

God's apparently trying to teach me something, and I'm not learning the lesson yet.

could one pill do us in???

Since my partner's relapse, I've been in regular communication with my friends in recovery, my sponsor, and even her sponsor. Her sponsor has been awesome. She's providing validation and empathy for me, but maintaining boundaries between her relationship with me and her relationship with my partner.

Here's the first of her responses to me:

"I feel your pain and anger about your partner's relapse. I have been in your shoes many, many times with my first husband. Remember the relapse isn't about what you did or didn't do or where you were or were not. It was not a personal afront to you, it was about the disease of addicton. It's about your dumb ass partner not doing what she was told, disregarding the tools she has today and her disease of addiction. I too, tolerate only so many relapses before I let a sponsee go. At some point you need to decide for yourself when enough is enough and I mentioned to your partner that you may ask her to leave the house as a result of her actions. Just know that on my end we had a very straightforward conversation and will be having another soon.

I just wanted to clarify this statement:

She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it.


I suggested that she keep her own meds in her own lock box separate from yours and the left overs from other people who have been in your house. Not that you lock away her meds from her. You're right. You are not powerful enough to prevent a relapse. But I also feel, as a newcomer, she doesn't need to have her nose in other peoples stuff. She needs to have meds for her own mental health otherwise I'd tell her to flush everything.



Another option is to tell her she has to go through a treatment program in order to stay in the house. I don't know you're history of this or if she's ever been but ____ had some good outpatient programs and ____ hospital also has a detox wing. Again, I don't know the history here but it's an option. She may have already burned her bridges with you and so be it.



Wherever you are I'm glad are not alone and that YOU have the tools of recovery and use them!! :) Please know I am here for you as a friend and supporter. My relationship with your partner is a different entity and I'm old enough to know the difference."

After a few more emails back and forth between me and my sponsor and between me and hers, I sent this to my partner AND her sponsor.

"A, I tried calling a couple of times today, but you didn't pick up. I would love it if you would make some kind of attempt to initiate contact with me. I'm working through my feelings with other people, but I'd really like to try to work through them with YOU!! Meanwhile, here's part of my conversation with my sponsor today.

Here's what she asked/ said:

"What about this whole scenario bothers you the most? What is it about her actions that make you feel as though it's being done TO you? THe conversation with her sponsor which involves a change in behavior on your part? If that's it, you don't have to accept. We have choices!!

Be kind to yourself and take your time getting home. Hang in there!"

And my response:

"There was alot that bothered me. The whole convolutedness of the conversation. She started by telling me that she didn't go to a neighborhood social event as planned because she had a migraine. Then, later, she added in that she went to a meeting instead because her sponsor said she had to. Then, there was the relapse stuff about looking for, finding, and taking a "loose pill" because her hip hurt. Then, the stuff about her sponsor's conversation about me locking up the meds that aren't hers. That made no sense until much later when it came out that what she took was a sleeping pill of mine. She kept talking about it being loose in the box and that she wouldn't have taken it if it were in the bottle. I guess that was a big part of what triggered me. I'm not buying that bullshit; it just pissed me off. It bothers me that there's yet another boogeyman to be concerned about now that my sleep meds are fodder for her addiction. Oh, then there was the part where she asked her sponsor if she "had to" tell me. Oh, and we had another segment of the continuing saga of the missed work. She took yet another day off this week. When I asked her what she planned to do about the missing day, she said that she had another paid day. This keeps happening. She says she has no more paid time off, but then magically finds more and more days when she takes more and more time off. I've told her that I'm no longer willing to pay for days off. So her solution appears to be that she keeps finding more and more days. Feels like addict math to me!!!! And yeah, there was also the part where I'm supposed to lock up something else that I didn't know was a problem after the fact. So, which part bothered me the most? I don't know. I'll have to think on that one."

Again, I'm copying this to both you AND your sponsor so that you both know where I'm coming from. I've told your sponsor and I'll tell you that my intention for including your sponsor in these particular emails is that it's sometimes hard for you to hear me when we're in a hard place. If it gets too complicated for your sponsor, I've told her that you have dibs on her. I love you. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And I still love you. I really hope you choose to initiate some kind of contact. I'm done reaching out for now until I hear from you."

I've yet to hear ANYTHING from my partner. Guess I've got some praying to do about what comes next.

travel=relapse

In my naranon circles, people often share that when they travel, their addicts typically relapse. Apparently, I'm not immune to this trend.

I talked to my partner last night, who shared, among other things, that she got into our medicine lockbox and found a loose pill and took it. She said that she told her sponsor right away and picked up a white chip. I started out with the politically correct feelings of gratitude that she caught it early and that she's doing the things she needs to do to take care of herself. But later in the conversation, which got more and more convoluted, she shared that what she'd taken was something that was prescribed for me for sleep. She said that her sponsor thinks that I should keep all of the medicine that's not hers in a separate lockbox. We've had many experiences of this game, and it just doesn't work in our house. I hide shit or lock it up at her request. She finds it or breaks into it. I feel not good enough. I just don't have it in me to play one more round of that particular game today.

Meanwhile, I'm having all kinds of complicated feelings about her taking this particular pill. I know that she wasn't purposely doing this TO me, but I find myself feeling ambushed. It's yet another area of my life where it didn't occur to me not to feel safe. One of my dearest friends in naranon uses the analogy of "please don't shit in the sink." Somehow, I'm supposed to know every condition under which my addict might use and set boundaries (oh yeah, and play the invade the boundary game) around it.

I'm also playing the "it's not bad enough for me to be having these feelings" game. It WAS one pill. She DID tell her sponsor immediately. The other people in my naranon circle deal with much bigger relapses. But my truth is, it's big for ME. She took what was mine, and gave me one more trigger to have to work through. I'm GodDamned tired of working through triggers where her actions, whether intentionally or not, HURT ME!! And I just don't have the energy to invest in this bullshit right now. I've got bigger things on my plate.

Which brings me to the "I don't want to go home" game. My original plan was to leave this morning, but I just didn't want to. I guess the good news is that I have a bit of time. I can take the weekend, talk to my sponsor, figure out a plan that works for me. Hell, I can even hit a few naranon meetings in this town I find myself in today. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I DO go home, that promise will be true for me- We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. Please, God!

More God Grad School

I really thought that I was in a field that was somewhat protected from the financial madness of the times. Surprise! I got the word today that my job is terminated, effective in June. I have the opportunity to reaapply for one of an undisclosed but significantly reduced number of positions. I can also apply for one of a number of new positions for substantially reduced pay. Many of us in this same boat get the added bonus of being expected to go back to school (on our own dimes) to get additional training for this position on our newly cut salaries. Luckily or unluckily, as the case might be, I already meet the requirements for both my current position and the lesser paid one. It's a lot to absorb.

Meanwhile, I've got some ethical challenges in the weeks ahead. I've been put in a positon of having more to do than is feasible in the time I have left, and that was before the added stress of job seeking. I've been hanging on, by a thread, as more and more has been added to my plate. I've been being quiet, because we've been clearly told that job performance, as rated by our supervisors, will be the main factor looked at as cuts are made. This week, I was given one more task, one that I believe to be unethical. The person that I would typically turn to for direction was given even worse news than mine this week.

I think I'll try my favorite 12 step exercize.

Step 1. I am powerless over the financial state of this country and the effect it is having on me. I am powerless over direct supervisors and their direct orders. I am powerless over the number of hours in a day and the number of days left of employment. The first situation shows financial unmanageability. I am the primary breadwinner of our family. And, as a gay person, I can't even get health insurance once Cobra runs out. I've been trying to set boundaries in the second situation, but they've been continually trounced. My life is becoming more and more unmanageable as the clock ticks. I was given a direct order to do something that I believe to be wrong, which feels unmanageable.

Step 2. My higher power can help me sort out what I can and cannot change and take the steps I need to take while letting go of what I can't change.

Step 3. God, I give you my anxiety over the job situation. Help me to know the right things to do and help me to let go of the rest.

Step 4. Character defects that have surfaced include fear of economic insecurity, unwillingness up until now to ask for help because of fear

Step 5. God, me, and the internet, my fears have been getting in the way of my making good decisions.

Step 6. I am willing for God to remove my fears.

Step 7. God, please help me to let go of my fear and trust that I can do what I need to do and that I will be ok.

Step 8. Up till now, I've harmed me. If I do what I've been told to do, I will harm a child.

Step 9. I will amend my behavior by letting go of my fears, by asking for help, by doing what I can do, and by letting go of the rest.

Step 10. I don't think I've left anything out.

Step 11. I think that God wants me to go to the person, who like me, still has a job today, rather than making a choice that I believe to be unethical. I think that God wants me to take care of myself by confiding in this person what my current work situation is. Depending on the outcome of that discussion, I'll need to check in with God again for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. As for the future job situation, I think God wants me to do what footwork I can and trust the process.

Step 12. I do feel a spiritual awakening. I'm much calmer than when I started this exercize, and clearer about what I can do. Hopefully, I can get some sleep now.

Rickety Bridge

Yesterday, my partner and I were having a conversation about a difficulty subject for both of us. She was talking about why she often pushes me away when I pursue intimacy. She said that because of her early experiences, it's like there's a rickety bridge that she has to cross over to get to her adult self. If she can make it over the bridge, then it's a wonderful experience. But, the bridge is really shaky, and often, she falls off. Meanwhile, I have my own rickety bridge that tells me that I'm not good enough and not desirable when she pushes me away. Sometimes, I can use the tools of the program and remember that it really isn't about me. But sometimes, I fall off. It makes sense that we activate each other. But the good news is that each of us is working on our own stuff and hopefully we're each fortifying our own bridges. And that today, we can talk about it.

5 words

I asked Jay for 5 words to describe me.

The deal is she gives me five words that she associates with me, I write about each one and offer to provide five words for any readers who would like to do their own. If you're interested, let me know in comments.

Jay's words for me were attachment, commitment, clarity, healing, contemplation. I just wrote about clarity. Here's the rest of my homework.

Attachment:
I don't really blog about this because I have to be careful about confidentiality even with the anonymity I've tried to maintain here, but I'm a foster parent. A few of the kids I've fostered over the years have been diagnosed with or show characteristics of Reactive Attachment Disorder, which develops when a child doesn't form a healthy attachment with a primary caregiver. I talked a bit about RAD when I discovered my own spiritual fanny pack. It's interesting that these particular kids keep finding their way into my life as I'm slowly learning to develop more healthy attachments of my own. So much of my learning has come from the kids themselves, as well as an amazing group of RAD moms. I connected with this group of women online almost 15 years ago and I'll be flying across the country in a couple of weeks to visit them.

Commitment- One of the characteristics of codependency is a tendency to be too loyal, remaining in situations that are harmful. For me, this characteristic can be one of my biggest character defects or my biggest assets. I can make a difference by committing to a child who has never experienced that before. I've worked through the rough patches in my relationship by my strong commitment. But, sometimes, I've hurt myself when the commitment I make is not necessarily reciprocated. I'm learning today that I need to commit to myself as deeply as I commit to others. And sometimes, when the person I commit to is unwilling or unable to make the same commitment to me, the best thing I can do is to detach with love and take care of me.

Healing: I'm finding healing through my journey through the 12 steps. I'm developing a newfound relationship with a power greater than myself and even a newfound relationship with me. I'm learning better ways of relating to my partner that have turned out to be healthier for both of us. I'm learning to change my focus and change my life.

Contemplation: One of the greatest gifts for me of recovery has been blogging. When it's just me and the page (or more likely the screen,) I can engage in whatever circular thinking I need to use to get where I'm meant to go. I can let myself be so easily distracted by other people's thoughts and feelings. But, left to my own devices, I've really surprised myself along the way with my own insights.

So that's it. Another homework assignment out of the way. Comment here if you want your own set of 5 words.