We had therapy yesterday. Because of the weather, we opted to have our session by phone. I ended up downstairs while she was upstairs. I was doubtful as to how we could work effectively being in 3 different places. But, it seemed to work.
We always start with a grounding exercise and then an opportunity to say what we want to work on. I wanted to work on getting through the stuck places. My partner wanted to work on becoming closer.
We got to a stuck place pretty early in. I heard my partner filing her nails, which was really annoying in the middle of a therapy session we were paying for. The therapist suggested that I bless the defenses that she's built to keep herself safe. In a way, it made sense, because it was the defenses that kept her safe and brought her to me. But, those same defenses are used today to keep me out. I've shared before about how lonely it is to be the partner of someone who's busy building fortresses to keep me out. If I blessed her defenses, wasn't I saying that I wanted that behavior to continue? I wish I remembered the therapist's exact wording, but it was something about defenses won't relax until there's complete safety. So, we each did this ritual of blessing and thanking the defenses that kept her safe. It really was miraculous. She was able to open up and start letting me in in new ways.
It reminded me of something I hear from long-timers in 12 step programs. They suggest that to get rid of a resentment, you pray for the person you resent to get everything you want. I guess I have resented the part of her who keeps her from me. And blessing that part seemed to make a real difference, for both of us!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Banished from my own home
My partner is having a sponsorship family gathering at my house in early February. When she first told me about it, she said "we" were having a breakfast and that I was included. I have felt so isolated from her and she has so often opted out of any opportunity to socialize with me, so I was thrilled for an opportunity to be a part of- especially to be a part of her recovery family. Later, she realized that spouses were NOT included and told me that I would have to leave the house that morning.
As the time is nearing, I'm having trouble with this. For one thing, I guess I do have to acknowledge that I am having feelings about being included and then unincluded. I understand that this wasn't her doing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have feelings about it. It's also bringing up old stuff for me. When she first separated from her husband, she came to stay with me. Part of the separation agreement that THEY made was that I would leave my home for one weekend a month so that the girls could come to stay there with their mother. Now, at that point, it was not our home, it was MY home that she was staying in rent free. And they made this agreement in court that I was not a party to but had to comply with. It sucked in all kinds of ways. And yes, those feelings are getting triggered, so I get that my reaction is bigger than it would be because it's pushing old buttons.
But there's other stuff too. It's interesting, because she's been struggling with feeling like she's being controlled in the situation where our therapist told her she needed to go to 5 meetings a week if she wanted to continue to be in therapy with him. It's funny how she refused to hear the difference between setting a boundary and being controlling. In this situation, I get it. Setting a boundary is if you do or don't do this, I will or won't do this. Controlling is saying you have to or you can't. He set a boundary- if you don't go to meetings, I won't see you in therapy. She, on the other hand, was being controlling- you can't be in the house.
I tried talking to her about it. I asked if it would be ok if I stayed in the bedroom. Her first response was no, because I might hear something. I told her I could keep the door closed and the TV on. She went on and on about how uncomfortable it would be for me, because I'd be stuck in the bedroom for hours. I asked her what other spouses do, and she said they all vacate their houses. She finally acknowledged that that was my choice to make and said that she'd been caretaking by trying to decide what was best for me. I told her that I'd like a vote next time about whether the function is going to be in my home.
At one point, she got pissed and said that I'm a grownup, and I can do anything I want. I can even come sit in the middle of it if I want to. Then she barricaded herself in the bathroom. When she came out, I asked for an intentional dialogue, and she refused. But she wanted me to think about the fact that she didn't do this on purpose. I started to respond to that, and then said that if she wasn't ready to engage in an intentional dialogue, that's fine, but that I wasn't willing to listen to her when she was choosing NOT to listen to me. I said I'd be more than happy to listen to her IN an intentional dialogue. Her response: "Fine!" She told me she'd be ready in a couple hours, which was of course more than a couple of hours ago. I told her to let me know when she's ready.
The problem is getting bigger and bigger. I started out struggling with her trying to control me. Then, it got crazy making when she was doing her mind bending reality altering shit by saying that what she was doing was trying to take care of me because I might be uncomfortable staying cooped up in the room, when her argument started with "no, you might hear something." Then, when she walked out in the middle of the conversation it pushed my abandonment buttons. Next, when she refused to dialogue with me but wanted ME to think about whatever the hell she wanted me to think about, it pissed me off. Now, I'm struggling with her not doing what she said she was going to do, which was to come to me in a couple of hours when she was ready for a dialogue.
My new step group is working on Step 1, and here I am faced with yet another situation over which I'm powerless. I can't make her work through an issue with me start to finish. I can't MAKE her agree to an intentional dialogue and give me the validation and empathy I need. I can't make her honor her commitments and come to me in a couple of hours. What I CAN do is take care of me. So, I've processed with my sponsor, with a friend and my sister in recovery. I went out with one of my recovery friends and ate interesting things. Now, I think I'll call another friend and invite her to a meeting.
As the time is nearing, I'm having trouble with this. For one thing, I guess I do have to acknowledge that I am having feelings about being included and then unincluded. I understand that this wasn't her doing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have feelings about it. It's also bringing up old stuff for me. When she first separated from her husband, she came to stay with me. Part of the separation agreement that THEY made was that I would leave my home for one weekend a month so that the girls could come to stay there with their mother. Now, at that point, it was not our home, it was MY home that she was staying in rent free. And they made this agreement in court that I was not a party to but had to comply with. It sucked in all kinds of ways. And yes, those feelings are getting triggered, so I get that my reaction is bigger than it would be because it's pushing old buttons.
But there's other stuff too. It's interesting, because she's been struggling with feeling like she's being controlled in the situation where our therapist told her she needed to go to 5 meetings a week if she wanted to continue to be in therapy with him. It's funny how she refused to hear the difference between setting a boundary and being controlling. In this situation, I get it. Setting a boundary is if you do or don't do this, I will or won't do this. Controlling is saying you have to or you can't. He set a boundary- if you don't go to meetings, I won't see you in therapy. She, on the other hand, was being controlling- you can't be in the house.
I tried talking to her about it. I asked if it would be ok if I stayed in the bedroom. Her first response was no, because I might hear something. I told her I could keep the door closed and the TV on. She went on and on about how uncomfortable it would be for me, because I'd be stuck in the bedroom for hours. I asked her what other spouses do, and she said they all vacate their houses. She finally acknowledged that that was my choice to make and said that she'd been caretaking by trying to decide what was best for me. I told her that I'd like a vote next time about whether the function is going to be in my home.
At one point, she got pissed and said that I'm a grownup, and I can do anything I want. I can even come sit in the middle of it if I want to. Then she barricaded herself in the bathroom. When she came out, I asked for an intentional dialogue, and she refused. But she wanted me to think about the fact that she didn't do this on purpose. I started to respond to that, and then said that if she wasn't ready to engage in an intentional dialogue, that's fine, but that I wasn't willing to listen to her when she was choosing NOT to listen to me. I said I'd be more than happy to listen to her IN an intentional dialogue. Her response: "Fine!" She told me she'd be ready in a couple hours, which was of course more than a couple of hours ago. I told her to let me know when she's ready.
The problem is getting bigger and bigger. I started out struggling with her trying to control me. Then, it got crazy making when she was doing her mind bending reality altering shit by saying that what she was doing was trying to take care of me because I might be uncomfortable staying cooped up in the room, when her argument started with "no, you might hear something." Then, when she walked out in the middle of the conversation it pushed my abandonment buttons. Next, when she refused to dialogue with me but wanted ME to think about whatever the hell she wanted me to think about, it pissed me off. Now, I'm struggling with her not doing what she said she was going to do, which was to come to me in a couple of hours when she was ready for a dialogue.
My new step group is working on Step 1, and here I am faced with yet another situation over which I'm powerless. I can't make her work through an issue with me start to finish. I can't MAKE her agree to an intentional dialogue and give me the validation and empathy I need. I can't make her honor her commitments and come to me in a couple of hours. What I CAN do is take care of me. So, I've processed with my sponsor, with a friend and my sister in recovery. I went out with one of my recovery friends and ate interesting things. Now, I think I'll call another friend and invite her to a meeting.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
My Word- 2009 Edition
It was interesting looking back to see my word of 2008. I didn't do such a great job of keeping it in my head as a focus, but I think I did do a good job of practicing self-care anyway. This was the year I bought myself my own fucking Hallmark Card. I got much better at using the phone tool. I participated in an Artist's Way book study, which included dating myself through Artist Dates, Morning Pages, and even a Reading Diet. I got better at using affirmations. I got a really cool self-nurturing tool in therapy last week that I haven't posted about yet, but it's turned into a cool way to end one year and start the next.
It's interesting to look back sometimes and see patterns AND growth. When I went back to see my word for 08, I got to look again at how it started for me. My partner and I went through a dance last night around new years that, in looking back, was very similar to last years. She wanted to isolate. I didn't. She was sick. But, instead of pouting, I chose to practice self-care. I went to figure out what I could do with my own self for new years. I decided that I'd take myself to see fireworks. My partner didn't like the idea of me spending the new year without her. The new behavior we both practiced was working through it together and coming up with something we could both live with. We decided to go to our local NA holiday meeting marathon together. Starting the new year with recovery felt like a good thing.
Hmmm. Recovery, maybe that can be my word. It kind of encompasses everything I've thought about and everything that's important to me today. God's already taken. I thought about gratitude, because I find that my life works better when I focus on the stuff I have to be grateful about. When I started this post, my word was gonna be Steps. I just finished step 12 with one online writing workshop this week. We finished with the 12 step exercise, which is always so powerful for me when I remember to use it.
I'm starting a new online Step Study focusing on my compulsive overeating. We're gonna do one step a month, so I'm excited that this one will take me right through this year.
So, I think I will choose Recovery as my word this year. That encompasses God, the Steps, and Gratitude. Happy New Year!
It's interesting to look back sometimes and see patterns AND growth. When I went back to see my word for 08, I got to look again at how it started for me. My partner and I went through a dance last night around new years that, in looking back, was very similar to last years. She wanted to isolate. I didn't. She was sick. But, instead of pouting, I chose to practice self-care. I went to figure out what I could do with my own self for new years. I decided that I'd take myself to see fireworks. My partner didn't like the idea of me spending the new year without her. The new behavior we both practiced was working through it together and coming up with something we could both live with. We decided to go to our local NA holiday meeting marathon together. Starting the new year with recovery felt like a good thing.
Hmmm. Recovery, maybe that can be my word. It kind of encompasses everything I've thought about and everything that's important to me today. God's already taken. I thought about gratitude, because I find that my life works better when I focus on the stuff I have to be grateful about. When I started this post, my word was gonna be Steps. I just finished step 12 with one online writing workshop this week. We finished with the 12 step exercise, which is always so powerful for me when I remember to use it.
I'm starting a new online Step Study focusing on my compulsive overeating. We're gonna do one step a month, so I'm excited that this one will take me right through this year.
So, I think I will choose Recovery as my word this year. That encompasses God, the Steps, and Gratitude. Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
One step forward and...... FIRED!
My partner and I were conditionally fired from couples therapy last night. Well, actually, SHE was conditionally fired, but since it's pretty difficult to do couple's therapy alone, the effect is the same.
I know she's confused. She has been stepping up lately. She took care of me when I was sick, and she got her step 1 homework completed.
But, she was agonizingly passive aggressive in therapy yesterday throughout the entire session, and the therapist had had enough. He asked how many meetings she's been going to. She had committed to her sponsor to go to 5 a week after the last time she picked up a white chip in the beginning of November. I don't think she has yet to honor that commitment, and she hasn't told her sponsor that she's not doing it. The therapist told her AGAIN that she does her best work in therapy when she's taking good care of herself by going to lots of meetings. He said that he felt like he was in a session with a 6 year old, and he just can't do couples therapy that way. He said that he sees me getting healthier and healthier, and if she doesn't make some changes, he thinks I'll leave her. He said that he won't continue with us unless she goes to 5 meetings a week. She said she'd discuss it with her sponsor. It was hard hearing her not be willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship. It's interesting timing, because she's also been conditionally fired by her individual therapist for a couple of weeks now, because she's been choosing not to submit insurance papers for YEARS!!! She agreed during our 3 hour session with HER therapist not to go back until she'd submitted the paperwork. That was the beginning of December, and she just hasn't gone back.
I'm trying to stay in the moment and take care of me. Last night, our meeting topic was Live and Let Live. After the meeting, I went out with my sponsor and sponsee. I can't make my partner's choices for her. I can only make my OWN choices. Just for today, I'm going to work really hard on keeping the focus on ME!!!
I know she's confused. She has been stepping up lately. She took care of me when I was sick, and she got her step 1 homework completed.
But, she was agonizingly passive aggressive in therapy yesterday throughout the entire session, and the therapist had had enough. He asked how many meetings she's been going to. She had committed to her sponsor to go to 5 a week after the last time she picked up a white chip in the beginning of November. I don't think she has yet to honor that commitment, and she hasn't told her sponsor that she's not doing it. The therapist told her AGAIN that she does her best work in therapy when she's taking good care of herself by going to lots of meetings. He said that he felt like he was in a session with a 6 year old, and he just can't do couples therapy that way. He said that he sees me getting healthier and healthier, and if she doesn't make some changes, he thinks I'll leave her. He said that he won't continue with us unless she goes to 5 meetings a week. She said she'd discuss it with her sponsor. It was hard hearing her not be willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship. It's interesting timing, because she's also been conditionally fired by her individual therapist for a couple of weeks now, because she's been choosing not to submit insurance papers for YEARS!!! She agreed during our 3 hour session with HER therapist not to go back until she'd submitted the paperwork. That was the beginning of December, and she just hasn't gone back.
I'm trying to stay in the moment and take care of me. Last night, our meeting topic was Live and Let Live. After the meeting, I went out with my sponsor and sponsee. I can't make my partner's choices for her. I can only make my OWN choices. Just for today, I'm going to work really hard on keeping the focus on ME!!!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Partner Stepping Up
My partner seems to be starting her step-work in earnest today. She got herself a new sponsor a few months ago, and then at our therapist's urging, she asked for a deadline. A couple of days ago, she started making comments, INDEPENDENTLY, that she needed to get started, because her deadline was coming up. Today, she pulled out her book, and disappeared.
As most of my experiences in recovery, this is not on my timeline. I, like many of us, used to fantasize about my partner reaching step 9 and making amends to me. I felt I was owed amends. I know today that that expectation meant I wasn't ready.
She'll get there or she won't. She's not doing it in my time or in my way, and today I get that she's not supposed to. I have hope today, because I see her stepping up in new ways,both in recovery and in our relationship. She's doing it on her own and not as a reaction to me. I see how transformative the steps are in the lives of all of the people I see working them, and I want that for her. Ok, I admit, I want it for ME, too. I hope that the changes in her life will transform not only her, but our relationship as well. But today, it's a hope rather than a demand or an expectation. I'm ok with where we are today. I have tools and choices that I can use and make, when I'm not ok with where we are. I think it's not such a coincidence that I'm getting ready to start step 12, and that I really have had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. I wish the same spiritual awakening for her. And, if you're reading and recovery is something you want in your life, I wish the same for you. Peace!
As most of my experiences in recovery, this is not on my timeline. I, like many of us, used to fantasize about my partner reaching step 9 and making amends to me. I felt I was owed amends. I know today that that expectation meant I wasn't ready.
She'll get there or she won't. She's not doing it in my time or in my way, and today I get that she's not supposed to. I have hope today, because I see her stepping up in new ways,both in recovery and in our relationship. She's doing it on her own and not as a reaction to me. I see how transformative the steps are in the lives of all of the people I see working them, and I want that for her. Ok, I admit, I want it for ME, too. I hope that the changes in her life will transform not only her, but our relationship as well. But today, it's a hope rather than a demand or an expectation. I'm ok with where we are today. I have tools and choices that I can use and make, when I'm not ok with where we are. I think it's not such a coincidence that I'm getting ready to start step 12, and that I really have had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. I wish the same spiritual awakening for her. And, if you're reading and recovery is something you want in your life, I wish the same for you. Peace!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Conversations with God- Kidney Stone Edition
My stone was blasted to bits on Monday. I'm still peeing the bits out through a strainer. Fun times. I was doctor ordered to bedrest for 24 hours and then work as pain permits till December 31.
So, God and I had a conversation on Tuesday night. I asked for God's will for me and asked for a clear message, because I often get confused. God answered with throbbing pain at 4:30am requiring narcotics. That meant I couldn't drive myself to work on Wednesday. After I took the pill, it throbbed just a bit harder for a bit so God could let me know that I got the message right. Thanks, God!
So, last night, I told God that I'm listening now. You can be a bit more subtle if you want to, and I'll try to pay attention. Last night, no pain, and I've had no narcotics since yesterday afternoon. This morning, I got ready for work, listening to my body and to God. No pain. Off I went. I realized when I got out of the neighborhood that I'd left my nausia meds at home. As I pulled into work, I was nauseous and sweaty. So, I started talking to God. Ok, God, I'm listening. Can I just go in and get a few things done first, though? Hmmm, is this my will or yours. Oh yeah, the power to carry that out. God, will you give me the power to carry out your will please? After about an hour, I went home.
Hmm. Wonder how our conversation will go tonight and tomorrow.
So, God and I had a conversation on Tuesday night. I asked for God's will for me and asked for a clear message, because I often get confused. God answered with throbbing pain at 4:30am requiring narcotics. That meant I couldn't drive myself to work on Wednesday. After I took the pill, it throbbed just a bit harder for a bit so God could let me know that I got the message right. Thanks, God!
So, last night, I told God that I'm listening now. You can be a bit more subtle if you want to, and I'll try to pay attention. Last night, no pain, and I've had no narcotics since yesterday afternoon. This morning, I got ready for work, listening to my body and to God. No pain. Off I went. I realized when I got out of the neighborhood that I'd left my nausia meds at home. As I pulled into work, I was nauseous and sweaty. So, I started talking to God. Ok, God, I'm listening. Can I just go in and get a few things done first, though? Hmmm, is this my will or yours. Oh yeah, the power to carry that out. God, will you give me the power to carry out your will please? After about an hour, I went home.
Hmm. Wonder how our conversation will go tonight and tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Knowledge of God's Will for me and the Power to Carry it Out
Our step group is on Step 11. Meanwhile, there's a situation brewing that's not about me but surely is affecting me. I have done absolutely everything I can do to help a kid in my life. But, she doesn't appear to be ready for help. The situation is aligning itself so that it's out of my hands. Usually, I'd be warring, warring, warring. I would KNOW what's best for this kid. The truth is I think I DO know what's best. But I can't make her choices for her. And if she continues on the path she's on, it will be out of my hands, and she'll be out of my life. Today, I'm more at peace with that possibility than I ever thought possible. I know today that I'll be ok no matter what. And when she's ready, the kid will be ok too. I may not be her particular instrument of change. But she's got a Higher Power too. And I can trust that she'll get what she needs, regardless of whether it's what she, or I, want.
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