Sunday, September 9, 2007

It Seems


After a tumultuous couple of days, we've processed through this last incident as much as we're going to. It seems that she wasn't lying, or at least not consciously, and like all of you addicts and codies have been telling me, it wasn't about me.

She slept through all of the time that we were home together on Friday. Of course, my addict-addicted brain said that she was avoiding me, or we're going into another deeper crisis, or all kinds of other crazy shit. She woke up at 7:30pm and told me that she'd be home late that night. So of course, I'm spinning, spinning, spinning even more.

I talked to my sponsor, who was surprised that I was so upset about an addict lying. She told me that if I choose to be upset every time my addict lies, then I'm choosing to be upset a lot!! She said that I can't expect my addict to be trustworthy until she's had at least a year of clean time. She told me to stop beating a dead horse, and to read about acceptance. She reminded me that acceptance does not mean that I approve, but that I acknowledge the way things are.

When my partner got home at about 11, she told me that she'd been to two meetings, and that she only has one more to catch up in order to make her 90 in 90. She told me that she imagined that I thought she'd gone out after her meeting instead of coming home. She said that she knows that she could/ should have told me what her plans were, instead of just saying that she'd be home late, but that she's not in the habit of giving complete information. She said that she knows that her not giving complete information makes things harder for me, and she's willing to work on it.

She then talked more about opening the lockbox. She acknowledged that she didn't give me complete information, but said that it wasn't deliberate. She said that she did turn the dial until it opened, but that she really did see the numbers she told me when the combination opened. She acknowledged that maybe those were the numbers her brain wanted her to see. She said that she wished she had been lying, because the alternative is that she's crazy, and she'd prefer lying to crazy. She also told me that taking the prescription has awakened her tiger, and that she's really struggling now to stay clean.

In the words of Married to an Addict, it SEEMS that she was telling the truth, her truth,abeit not the whole truth, all along. I guess I'll never really know whether all of these convolutions (is that a word??) are her way of dealing with MY obsession with truth and trust, or if it's just the way her brain is working right now. And I guess it doesn't really matter.

"Seems" is my new detachment tool. I don't have to know. And I don't have to invest quite so much into whether things really are the way they "seem."


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Seems is a good word. I like it.

Anonymous said...

I use "appears" or "on some level" in the manner you have found "seems" to be useful. Handy little words, aren't they?
This post was extremely painful for me to read, R. It's such a reminder of all the mental gymnastics I put my partner through when I was using or lying about using or lying about wanting to use. Fuck -- I wish I could take it all back! ALL OF IT!
Yes, she is where she is and it's all she's got for the moment. It sucks sometimes, this process, but she (and you)will see so much growth if she (and you) hang in there for the long haul.

thejunkyswife said...

It does hurt to read, but I also read it and see a lot of growth...growth for both of you. You're handling it better, and she's talking to you.

What is up with that half-truth business? We are always running into trouble with it. He does THE SAME THING...and I think it comes from lifelong habits of lying, manipulating. He doesn't have anything to hide anymore, but still, I never know exactly what is going on. It's infuriating...

Chloe said...

This should cheer up your Jewish Lesbian butt :) Or maybe i'm a immature twit!

I hope the link comes through.

Chloe said...

Crap..that didn't work..try this one..