Today, I did some step 1 work. I did what I committed to myself and the internet that I was gonna do, and addressed my compulsive overeating while working the step. Afterwards, I decided to make some program calls to members of OA. That's getting out of my comfort zone. I'm finally to the point where I'm totally comfortable picking up the phone and calling my naranon friends.
But today, I reached out in particular to someone that I really don't know, but who seems to have what I want. I asked her about her experience working the steps in OA. She told me about her experiences. She pointed me to a 4th step tool that's specific to OA. She told me about a 12 step guide that she used, and agreed to email me with information about the guide. She talked to me about some of her successes and some of her struggles. She talked about getting ahead of herself when on step 4 by thinking about the upcoming work she would have in making amends. She mentioned that she's in more than one recovery program (just like me) and that she wanted to do one inventory, but that that didn't work for her. She found that she needed to address her separate issues separately. She talked to me about things that were getting in the way of her 9th step work, and how she's handling them. I'm so glad I made this call. I hung up feeling very uplifted.
I guess when I think about it, I also did some 12 step work today- carrying the message to those who still suffer. I helped a friend who's got a whole lot of recovery behind her but is very new to step work. And I reached out to somebody online who's where I've been, and shared my experience, strength and hope.
And guess what? It's the weekend. My addict is piddling around the house, mostly NOT engaging with me. She's also being very loud about her back hurting. I'm not sitting around the house waiting for her to spend time with me. I'm not obsessing about whether she's going to decide to self-medicate and relapse. I'm busy with my own life and my own program. For today, I'm working it, and it's working!!!
Showing posts with label detachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label detachment. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
OK
My partner has been having a hard time lately, and I've been having a hard time detaching with love from her hard time.
Last night, she told me that she thought she'd take the day off today. "Ok," I said. "OK? I didn't expect that!!"
Do I feel ok? NO!! I need to acknowledge that, but not necessarily to her. It scares me because as of a week ago, she told me she only had one day off. She took a day off last week, and then missed more than 1/2 a day later in the week to go to the doctor. Math may not be my strong suit, but it "seems" that she doesn't have this day to take. It's also scary b/c frequent absences in the past have been a precurser to even more difficult times in the past. She's in a bad place. That's scary for me.
And the selfish part of me is just hurt that she chose to take 2 1/2 days just before my week's vacation. I told her last week when she was getting ready to use the one day she really did have that needed to be used before the new year that I wished she'd wait and spend the day with me over the holiday. I have to remind myself that this is not about me. She's hurting; she's not rejecting me. Note to self: make plans for ME to spend time with people I care about next week when I'm on vacation alone. Oh well, off to work. Sigh.
Last night, she told me that she thought she'd take the day off today. "Ok," I said. "OK? I didn't expect that!!"
Do I feel ok? NO!! I need to acknowledge that, but not necessarily to her. It scares me because as of a week ago, she told me she only had one day off. She took a day off last week, and then missed more than 1/2 a day later in the week to go to the doctor. Math may not be my strong suit, but it "seems" that she doesn't have this day to take. It's also scary b/c frequent absences in the past have been a precurser to even more difficult times in the past. She's in a bad place. That's scary for me.
And the selfish part of me is just hurt that she chose to take 2 1/2 days just before my week's vacation. I told her last week when she was getting ready to use the one day she really did have that needed to be used before the new year that I wished she'd wait and spend the day with me over the holiday. I have to remind myself that this is not about me. She's hurting; she's not rejecting me. Note to self: make plans for ME to spend time with people I care about next week when I'm on vacation alone. Oh well, off to work. Sigh.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
It Seems
Well,
After a tumultuous couple of days, we've processed through this last incident as much as we're going to. It seems that she wasn't lying, or at least not consciously, and like all of you addicts and codies have been telling me, it wasn't about me.
She slept through all of the time that we were home together on Friday. Of course, my addict-addicted brain said that she was avoiding me, or we're going into another deeper crisis, or all kinds of other crazy shit. She woke up at 7:30pm and told me that she'd be home late that night. So of course, I'm spinning, spinning, spinning even more.
I talked to my sponsor, who was surprised that I was so upset about an addict lying. She told me that if I choose to be upset every time my addict lies, then I'm choosing to be upset a lot!! She said that I can't expect my addict to be trustworthy until she's had at least a year of clean time. She told me to stop beating a dead horse, and to read about acceptance. She reminded me that acceptance does not mean that I approve, but that I acknowledge the way things are.
When my partner got home at about 11, she told me that she'd been to two meetings, and that she only has one more to catch up in order to make her 90 in 90. She told me that she imagined that I thought she'd gone out after her meeting instead of coming home. She said that she knows that she could/ should have told me what her plans were, instead of just saying that she'd be home late, but that she's not in the habit of giving complete information. She said that she knows that her not giving complete information makes things harder for me, and she's willing to work on it.
She then talked more about opening the lockbox. She acknowledged that she didn't give me complete information, but said that it wasn't deliberate. She said that she did turn the dial until it opened, but that she really did see the numbers she told me when the combination opened. She acknowledged that maybe those were the numbers her brain wanted her to see. She said that she wished she had been lying, because the alternative is that she's crazy, and she'd prefer lying to crazy. She also told me that taking the prescription has awakened her tiger, and that she's really struggling now to stay clean.
In the words of Married to an Addict, it SEEMS that she was telling the truth, her truth,abeit not the whole truth, all along. I guess I'll never really know whether all of these convolutions (is that a word??) are her way of dealing with MY obsession with truth and trust, or if it's just the way her brain is working right now. And I guess it doesn't really matter.
"Seems" is my new detachment tool. I don't have to know. And I don't have to invest quite so much into whether things really are the way they "seem."
After a tumultuous couple of days, we've processed through this last incident as much as we're going to. It seems that she wasn't lying, or at least not consciously, and like all of you addicts and codies have been telling me, it wasn't about me.
She slept through all of the time that we were home together on Friday. Of course, my addict-addicted brain said that she was avoiding me, or we're going into another deeper crisis, or all kinds of other crazy shit. She woke up at 7:30pm and told me that she'd be home late that night. So of course, I'm spinning, spinning, spinning even more.
I talked to my sponsor, who was surprised that I was so upset about an addict lying. She told me that if I choose to be upset every time my addict lies, then I'm choosing to be upset a lot!! She said that I can't expect my addict to be trustworthy until she's had at least a year of clean time. She told me to stop beating a dead horse, and to read about acceptance. She reminded me that acceptance does not mean that I approve, but that I acknowledge the way things are.
When my partner got home at about 11, she told me that she'd been to two meetings, and that she only has one more to catch up in order to make her 90 in 90. She told me that she imagined that I thought she'd gone out after her meeting instead of coming home. She said that she knows that she could/ should have told me what her plans were, instead of just saying that she'd be home late, but that she's not in the habit of giving complete information. She said that she knows that her not giving complete information makes things harder for me, and she's willing to work on it.
She then talked more about opening the lockbox. She acknowledged that she didn't give me complete information, but said that it wasn't deliberate. She said that she did turn the dial until it opened, but that she really did see the numbers she told me when the combination opened. She acknowledged that maybe those were the numbers her brain wanted her to see. She said that she wished she had been lying, because the alternative is that she's crazy, and she'd prefer lying to crazy. She also told me that taking the prescription has awakened her tiger, and that she's really struggling now to stay clean.
In the words of Married to an Addict, it SEEMS that she was telling the truth, her truth,abeit not the whole truth, all along. I guess I'll never really know whether all of these convolutions (is that a word??) are her way of dealing with MY obsession with truth and trust, or if it's just the way her brain is working right now. And I guess it doesn't really matter.
"Seems" is my new detachment tool. I don't have to know. And I don't have to invest quite so much into whether things really are the way they "seem."
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