Well, Damn, more and more has been revealed

I really was proud of both of us, for the way I thought we'd gotten through this weekend. Then, Tuesday night, she says she has something to tell me. She said that she knows the combination to the lockbox where I've been keeping her meds. She's known it since Saturday. She says she saw the lock while it was open. She told me she opened the box Tuesday, just to see if she could.

I thanked her for telling me the truth. I told her I have feelings about it, that I feel set up. She asked me to do this for her, and then she went around me.... again!! I told her that I can't be responsible for her meds any more, b/c it triggers "not good enough" shit for me. I was really trying to be careful to keep the combination from her. I'm really mad at me for letting her see it. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Then, last night, when I tell her about my frustration about my false sense of security and how she knew the combination the whole time, she says that she didn't really know she knew it. She said that she put it out of her head, until Tuesday. Then she tried it, but it didn't work. She said she kept turning the numbers and she thought how stupid that was, and then it worked. I asked her what the combination that she knew was, and she told me THE WRONG combination!! I asked her to explain it to me again, and the process she explained was picking the lock, not "knowing" the numbers.

I told her how upset I was that on top of everything else, she lied. And that I'd been beating myself up all day for not being good enough, since I thought I was being so careful to protect both of us at her request. She insisted that she didn't lie. I told her that she told me two completely different stories, and that they couldn't both be true. She said that she understood that I was mad, and she'd be mad too if she thought I'd lied, but she didn't lie. Then, she shut down.

Today, she was asleep when I got home, and stayed in bed for 3 hours, then got up and went to a meeting. I know she's struggling and hurting. But dammit, I am struggling and hurting too, and I didn't do anything but try to do exactly what she asked me to do.

There is nothing that means more to me than trust. I've really tried to wrap my head around MPJ's concept of "a new kind of trust." And meanwhile, she's often evaded stuff over the years of our relationship, way before the drugs. But she's always told me that she won't directly lie to me. It's pissed me off that if I don't ask the right questions, she just doesn't share, and somehow that feels different to her than lying. I've learned to live with that.... hate it, but live with it. But this was out-and-out lying to my face. I don't want to live with that. I don't want to live without her. Here I am again. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!