I posted last night about my frustration re: boundary crossing and lying. On another site, I got this legitimate question.
"hmmm, well I'm funny that way. My man and I have always had all our passwords etc. open to one another. I'm an 'I don't have anything to hide' kinda gal and he knows I'm such a codie who has had such horrible fucking cheating, lying shit go on in my life that he's just happy to show me he's trustworthy. so...lest I offend, why the boundaries?"
It really is a good question, and I really want to think about it and process through it. Here's what it's not. It's not about having something to hide. One of the characteristics of codependents that is very much a part of me is that "we are extremely loyal, staying in situations that may be harmful to us for too long." That's quoted from Codependents Anonymous, where I was a member for 9 years pre-partner. The only thing she WOULD find if she explored my email or my internet account would be ventings here and the comments of responders. Chances are good that she'd be hurt, but only because the things she would read would be too hard to handle as I process through feelings here.
So, if it's not about having something to hide, what is it about? Well, first of all, boundaries and lying are two things I am constantly struggling with with my partner. My need for boundaries is constantly bumping up against her need to test them.
If I dig deeper than that, I have to look at my relationship with my mom. My mom really is a lovely lady who would die for me, but she "knows" what's best for me and if my answers don't match hers, then I'm still being a petulant teenager. I've found that I have to build a fortress of huge protective walls to keep myself safe from my mother. She knows nothing about the addiction in our lives or really much of anything beyond a superficial level.
Mom and I, while perfectly pleasant with each other, don't have much of a real relationship. I don't want that with my partner. I don't want to have to build a fortress. I DO want to set reasonable boundaries and to have them respected. But one thing I'm learning in naranon is that I have absolutely NO control in another person's behavior. I can ask that my boundaries be respected. But I can't MAKE her respect them. So, I see my options as continuing to deal with crossed boundaries or to build up my fortress. I'm not liking either option.
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4 comments:
I am thinking we should consider creating some obvious rewards for respecting boundaries. I know that I respond to rewards in a positive way and will suffer punishment just to prove I can. It's a great idea that only needs some planning and implementation. Unfortunately I was absent the day planning and implementation skills were being passed out.
If the truth be known, I am a either fortress or an open book and nothing in between.
Nice topic you got going in my head here.
I have not really been to your site before, at least not for any length of time, but I like your topics. This is a very good one. I know exactly what you mean by what you say. The boundaries and the respect...so many issues.And about your mom, I know what you mean.
I wish you could make someone respect you. But you can't. And it sucks.
Thanks for stopping by, Married. Did ya see my "It Seems" post? I cited ya!
Now I have a post forming in my head about my relationship with my own parents -- how they see everything in black and white and always know what's right. As a consequence, I'm constantly acting like a teenager with them, either testing by purposely flaunting the way I do the "wrong" thing in order to aggravate them or hiding when I do the "wrong" thing in order to avoid conflict. Thanks for the thoughts.
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