One thing I'm struggling with is what I'm learning in Naranon and how it differs with what I'm being told by our therapist. Naranon is really big on detachment, staying on your own side of the street, or not taking someone else's inventory. A few times in the last few months, my partner has invited me into her business. Not too long ago, she was working on Step 2, and couldn't think of an example in her life for one of the questions, so she asked me. I gave her an example from my own life instead. Last week, she was struggling with the effects of her avoidance behavior on a relationship that is important to her. She asked me for input. Meanwhile, I was having all kinds of feelings of my own, because her avoidance has bled into my relationship with the same individual. I was also afraid to tell my partner what I really thought, because she was feeling all injured and seemed to be looking to me for reassurance. I told her that I loved her and trusted her to work through it. I reminded her of support people who could help her- her sponsor, her own therapist, and our therapist. All my codie stuff was triggered, and I wanted to fix it, for her and for me. But I was proud of myself for using the tools I'd learned in naranon.
Then, a few days later, the issue came up in couples therapy. The therapist told my partner that she needed to clean up her mess by making an amends. He said that I SHOULD give my partner honest feedback, especially when she asks for it directly. He said that I have a sacred trust with her, and that I know her best and should be giving her feedback, gently, with love, and only when she's willing to receive it. We talked about the abandonment stuff that gets triggered in me. My partner said that she wants to hear the truth from me. She said that she wants me to be honest with her, just like I've asked her to be honest with me. She said she's not going anywhere.
I still don't know what to do with this stuff. I want the kind of openness in our relationship that the therapist (and my partner) talk about. But the therapist talks about my relationship with my partner being separate from relationships I'm learning about in naranon, when my partner is the addict that brought me to naranon to find relief.
It's just all a confusing mess.
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2 comments:
I have actually been having a similar problem myself -- but it's too long for a comment. As soon as I get a kid and husband and mother free moment to write about it, I will...
My husband also had this same issue earlier in recovery. His therapist is skeptical of 12 step programs. He felt there was a disconnect between what she wanted him to do (admit that he had choices and had power over those choices) and what 12 step wanted him to do (admit powerlessness over his addiction). Eventually he was able to reconcile that for himself, but it took time.
I think with both 12 step and therapy you have to take what you can use and leave the rest.
MPJ is right, of course, take what works and leave the rest. But I've thought a lot about feedback in relationships, and what I've found is that I can give feedback about my experience, and only my experience. So when my husband asks me about stuff that's going on with his work, or his family, I say "this is what I hear you saying, and this is what I see you doing" but I can't say "your sister thinks..." or "your colleague wants..." because I don't know. And sometimes it's too much for me if the issue that comes up with him is too close, and I want to say "this is too hard".
I'm rambling and I don't know if I'm speaking to the same issue you were, but I was touched by the dilemma you wrote about.
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