The first time I worked the steps, I believed in the power of the 12 step program and in the power of my group. That was enough for me to continue working the steps despite my status as an Agnostic Jew.
Then, the most recent time I worked the steps, I embraced the idea that I really didn't have to understand, and started praying to the God of my Lack of Understanding.
Now, here I am on Step 2 again, and I'm noticing that I'm much more comfortable with and in tune with a growing understanding of God.
This weekend, my Jewish community had a weekend study. We looked a lot at our undertanding of God. Our visiting student Rabbi talked about being made in God's image not being a physical thing, but rather that when we are doing right in the world, we bring a piece of God to the world. That works for me. She also shared some liturgy describing the relationship between God and people in many different ways and described it as many different entry points into a relationship with God.
I still don't buy the Disney Dad God or the Wrathful God. I don't know that there's someone up there watching every move I make and making decisions based on my behavior. I also don't buy God, the puppeteer, who's got me on a string and I only think I'm making my own decisions.
But God as the still small voice inside me that helps me choose the next right thing, that works for me. God as the message that really speaks to me from a reading or from a friend also works for me.
And regardless of my complete lack of understanding or my growing understanding, the program, and my understanding, works when I work it.
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2 comments:
This really resonates with the way I feel about God also. I like how you describe your understanding of God, it makes a lot of sense to me.
I dance with this all the time. I grew up with no formal religion, and the biggest impression I had of religion was when my peace-sign flashing, flower-child uncle ran off with a cult and became reborn and got all full of righteous hatred. So trusting a higher power is not natural to me.
But I've started to think that higher power is in my life partly by what's placed in front of me. That's higher power speaking to me. Saying, "Here, you are ready for this. Here is your chance to grow." For me, higher power seems to manifest in my life in many different ways, like different colored threads weaving through a tapestry. It doesn't always look the same, but I know it when I feel it.
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